Fooseball

Online dating continues and since the last Meet-up there has been several months before I had another Meet-up.  I received a lot of messages.  I signed up for eHarmony hoping to maybe meet someone of a different caliber since the POF men seemed to either have issues or just were douche bags.

eHarmony was a waste of my money.  Nothing came of it and I resorted back to POF to find true love.  (That was sarcasm).  I eventually received a message from a dark haired, attractive man who sent me a funny message.  I like funny.  Gut instinct said to write him back.  We exchanged several messages and talked on the phone for a few weeks before we had time in both our schedules for a meet-up.  Our meet-up was kind of a last minute, "Hey I 'm going to be at this bar you should come up!"  I had nothing else to do.  I gotta get out there and meet people, right Friends?  So off I went to meet another stranger at a bar.

Because this meet-up was impromptu, I didn't get dolled up.  He's lucky I even popped a piece of gum in my mouth as I was walking into the bar.  He told me he was in the back playing Fooseball.  Um ok?  As I made my way to the back of the bar, I see the guy I'm meeting and I see a 7 year old little boy.  HE DID NOT BRING HIS FUCKING KID TO THIS MEET-UP??  Oh yes he certainly did.  Who does that????  He does.

Well, I was stuck.  He saw me.  Flagged me over and now I was officially meeting the family.  How many more kids did he bring with him, I thought.  Thankfully, just one.  I got the low down on why the boy was there which was because he pretty much takes his kid everywhere.  That would have been great to know like two weeks ago when we first started messaging and spoke about kids.  It's impossible to find out parenting arrangements on linkedIN or Spokeo so I learned from this dude that I needed to ask beforehand so I'm not thrown a curve ball or in this case a Fooseball when I go for the initial meet-up.

The guy looked like his pictures.  Slightly hairier than I would have liked and I was certain he didn't manscape, so my imagination went all sorts of places with that.  He was drinking a beer.  I was using the excuse that I had to go into work that night so I couldn't drink and would have to cut the meet-up short because I was "on call".

The meet-up consisted of a very competitive game of Foosball between a 7 year old and me.  Frankly, I had more fun on this meet-up hanging with the kid than I did talking to his dad.  At least playing Foosball diverted attention from the fact that I wasn't interested in his dad but I knew I was obligated to at least an hour with this guy.  The meet-up felt more like I was watching this kid so his dad could watch the basketball game than it did trying to establish a romantic connection.  But, I was fine with that.  Gut instinct told me this one was a no go anyway.

After an hour of playing Foosball and getting my ass kicked by a 7 year old.  My imaginary work duties called and I had to head out.  The boy gave me the biggest hug and asked if I would play Foosball again with him.  I didn't have the heart to tell him he would never see me again, so I promised him another round of games.  His Dad got a hand shake and I departed just as fast as I could.

The guy text me and messaged me a few times after the meet-up.  I guess he didn't get the hint I wasn't interested.  I finally had to be blatant and tell him.  He still tried to contact me again until I blocked him.

NEXT........

The Client

After many messages and weeding out the douchebags of POF, I received a message from a 35 year old man who had the friendliest smile I could imagine.  All his pictures screamed "I'm a nice guy."  We messaged back and forth and realized we had more in common than we didn't.  I was excited to meet this person in hopes that, if nothing else, I could make a new friend.

I made sure everything he said checked out online.  I told my Mom and my friend Mandy where I was going and off I went to meet "The Client".  He was already seated at the table when I arrived.  For first time daters, let the guy show up first.  You can always come up with some excuse why you're going to be a few minutes later:  you got pulled over, you had to stop for gas, you needed to run to the ATM, you got a work email that needed to be answered,  your kids needed something dropped off a their Dad's (yes, I have a million excuses).

When I walked in I was greeted with the same smile I saw in the pictures.  He was exactly how he described himself.  The conversation started with small talk and then we got into the history of our divorces.  It was January when this meeting took place.  He had gotten divorced in October.  Three months out of the relationship is a little too new for me, but I listened to his story.  He referred to his ex as "his wife".  Red flag #1.  He got emotional talking about the divorced and the circumstances leading up to his divorce. Red flag #2.  He still had attachments to her that he couldn't let go.  Red Flag #3.  So, then I became the therapist.  I explained to him how I coped with my ex husband leaving and after three hours of me playing Dr. Online Dating, I had to leave.

The last thing you want to do is be fresh out of a marriage and meeting someone at Stevie Tomato's and essentially have a break down about what happened that caused you to be sitting in front of me.

This online dating wasn't going well.... NEXT!

Hemmed Jeans

 My very first Meet-up occurred about five months ago just a few weeks after C and I broke up.  Everyone had been telling me I needed to get out there and meet people but I knew I was still in love with C and going and having a drink with some stranger was going to make things complex.  But, I met up with "Hemmed Jeans" and tried to make the best of this first encounter.

Hemmed Jeans and I had talked a few times online and exchanged phone numbers after I did my research on him.  I found out that he had been divorced and had two children.  He worked in the medical field and knew some folks that I worked with so I was confident that what I found online on him and what he was telling me was the truth.  I wasn't going to be Catfished on this one.  His stat's were that he was 5'10, nice smile, blue eyes and sense of humor.  Boom!  Check. Check. Check.  He fit the criteria.  In his pictures, he was handsome.  Not gorgeous by any means, but then again I was meeting a 42 year old single dad.  I'm realistic.

On my way to the Meet-up, I was talking to my Mom and giving her the information of where I would be and who I would be with.  I am anal when it comes to this online dating thing and I make sure that I have the persons first and last name and that they check out for who they say they are.  I either use the public records search online, Spokeo, google, linkedIN or any other various websites that let you view people and their information.  As I pulled into the parking lot of the restuarant I was still talking to my Mom when I saw the car door open on the vehicle he described as his.  But I didn't see anyone.  Was he opening the door but still sitting in the car?  I cut the conversation short with my Mom and proceeded to the vehicle.  Still no sign of anyone but an open door and no one in the drivers seat.  What the hell?  Is this fucker a ghost?  Well then the car door closed and there he was in all his 5'5 in glory.  Split second thoughts raced through my head as to how I could get out of this.  I was taller than him in my heels and he wasn't tall enough to see over the door of his SUV.  This is disaster waiting to happen.

I shook his hand but wanted to rush back to my car and take off.  I was praying for my Marble's to call me with some kind of nonemergency so I could make it an emergency and bust out.  But, I was stuck.  After all the dude took time out of his night to meet me.  My mentor at work always says that everyone deserves the same respect no matter who they are, so I proceeded into the establishment with this guy.

Being the jeans snob that I am, I couldn't help but take note of his jeans.  They were a nice dark wash, maybe from Kohls' or JCPenney.  No crazy rhinestones on the pockets but when I got to the bottom, they were hemmed like the way your mom would hem your pants when you were in grade school.  That fold under, use hem tape and iron.  There was no seam or threading around the bottom.  I'm a bitch for noticing, but he's a bitch for being so fucking short.

I couldn't get seated at a table fast enough.  I didn't want to be seen with this guy.  I wanted to leave.  The "spark" wasn't there.  I ordered an Angry Orchard.  He ordered an appetizer and a beer and now I had to talk to this guy while we waited for food.  Thankfully, I am social.  I can talk to people.  For an hour and a half I made small talk with this guy until my usual way to excuse myself flowed from my mouth, "My kids are blowing up my phone.  I have to leave."

There was a quick hug good-bye.  We exchanged "nice to meet you"'s and off I went.  No second date.  No second text.   

NEXT........

You've Got Mail....Fuck. He's Ugly.

This blog has taken many forms over the course of the last few years.  What once started as a blog about my goal to run a half marathon turned into a blog about my divorce and how I went from a devastated blindsided wife to a strong, resilient single mom.  And now there is a new phase in my life I have entered into and that is Dating.

I never really "dated" when I was younger.  I didn't go on dates.  It just so happened that the boyfriends I had were people that I knew and we just started going out and becoming an item.  When I met TGIM (The Guy I Married) we didn't necessarily date.  We just kinda went places together and it was just implied we were boyfriend and girlfriend.

Well, now I'm dating.

My friends convinced me to go on dating websites in hopes of "getting out there" and meeting someone.  After much research I settled on two sites: Plenty of Fish and eHarmony.  POF was free and eHarmony you have to pay for them to match you to the what they say is the right person based off some long questionaire. 
I decided not to use my real picture of POF because any time I did a search men would come up that I worked with and I was less than excited about anyone knowing my business in the dating world.  No, I wasn't Catfishing anyone.  I found a picture of a girl that could be me who was wearing sunglasses and her face was kind of obscured.  My profile on POF was snarky and littered with sarcasm.  I wasn't going to take this online dating seriously, but men messaged me and so began the adventure into "Meet-ups".

I call them Meet-ups because they're not dates.  I am putting on my cute jeans, cute shoes, my signature cami and black blazer, expensive lip gloss and meeting at stranger somewhere.  Half the time I didn't bother even shaving my legs or armpits because I knew none of these Meet-ups would pan out.  Why?  Gut instinct.  I have some of the best gut instinct in the gut instinct business. 

Just like when I was buying my house I could tell from the pictures and little blurb about it whether I would like it or not, I am the same with the men on these sites.  You don't have to give me much for me to know whether I am going to like you or not.  It's mostly NOT.

So, in these next several posts get ready to meet the men of the online dating world.

Epilogue

After two years of arguing, mounds of papers, hiring and firing of lawyers, hours of mediation and thousands of dollars in attorney's fees it was a phone call on a Monday morning from the secretary at my attorney's office to announce that I was officially divorced that ended this saga.  I thanked her for the information.  She told me to go celebrate.  I assured her I would and as I hung up the phone I realized I had no feelings of happiness or remorse about the news I was just given. 

You see, I was "divorced" back in November of 2011 when He sat across from me on the lanai and told me he didn't want to be married any more.  That's when my marriage was over.  It was that night that I found Her picture on his phone and it was then my marriage was irretrievably broken.  It was all those nights that I would call from work and he would be on the phone with her but lie and say he was talking to someone else at eleven o'clock at night.  It was the phone calls to her and me screaming to leave my family alone but she never hearing a word of what I said.  My marriage was over when He stood in the garage of our home and told me he was in love with Her and all the other things he said to me that repeatedly tore my heart into shreds.  I didn't need a judge or a lawyer or two years and a Final Judgement to tell me my marriage was broken.

The day I signed my Special Interrogatories, I had to answer if my marriage was irretrievably broken and then give a brief explanation as to why.  Did it matter at that point?  I had gotten all the way to the final settlement, did it really matter why I was there? Regardless of what I put in that explanation box would it have made a difference in the judge's decision on the Final Settlement?  My lawyer filled in in for me:  "Alienation of Affection".  Essentially, he had an affair.

With it all said and done now, I am moving on with my life.  I am going to date and see how that goes.  The next part of this blog just might be some pretty funny stories about these first dates that I go on.  Stay tuned!

Maybe I'm Too Headstrong

"Madness" by Muse

I have probably listened to the song "Madness" by Muse over 500 hundred times in the last three months. 

Arriving at Change

Everything changes.  Every second, every minute something is changing whether it is for the better or for the worst and it's my job to know how to adapt to it.  Change is something that doesn't come easy for me.  Changes in my life are things I fight and I resist them constantly. What I have today may become what I had tomorrow.  Things change, often spontaneously.  People and circumstances come and go.  My life didn't stop when I slipped into depression after He left and everything in my life changed.  It moved rapidly and rushed from calm to chaos in a matter of seconds.

Sometimes the shortest split second in time changes the direction of our lives. He might have thought his seemingly innocuous event didn't rattle my whole world. But it took my entire life and swiveled it and flipped it upside down on the strength of that unpredictable event.  What was mine?  The day he uttered the words, "I'm in love with her."

However bad that situation was then and how I felt about it, it changed.   I have come to realize that every ending is the beginning of something else.  Every exit is an entry somewhere else.  Sometimes life closes doors because it’s time to move forward.  And that’s a good thing because I probably wouldn't move unless circumstances forced me to.  My best lessons were learned at the worst times and from the worst points in my life.  From that, though, I have learned so much about myself and about how much I have changed as a person from two years ago when I found out about the affair and filed for divorce to the months after and the angry person I was as I dealt with the new life I was living.  Then the year and a half I spent completely removed from myself as I fought tooth and nail to get my marital settlement.  And, now in the last four months I have changed again.

I'm not the same person I was four months ago, last month, or even a week ago.  In order to change and maintain peace and serenity in my life, I had to find the strength to laugh every day.  I had to find it in myself to make others smile too.  I had to stop stressing over things I couldn't change.  I had to  live simply, love generously, speak truthfully, work diligently.  And even if I fall short, I keep going because every moment gives me a new beginning and a new ending.  I get a second chance, every second.  I just have to take it and make the best of it.  I wasn't making the best of my second chances.  I was taking them for granted.  I often felt like quitting, but I had to remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right.  I had to live through my very worst, to arrive at my very best.

Kicked Myself in the Ass

I knew it was time for me to do something because I couldn't linger in my sadness anymore.  I couldn't stand myself and I knew other people couldn't stand me either.  So, along with my list of things that I needed to actively do to get myself going again like settle my divorce, go back to school and exercise there were also many, many mental things that coincided with that list.

I took my usual seat on my lanai one night after the girls had gone to bed in late January and compiled another list:

 things I needed to give up in order to be happy

1.  Excuses - I had an excuse for everything. And, I refused to let go of anything.  I had a reason for hanging on and digging my nails in.  I had an excuse and I was ready to pounce and fight and argue if someone was to challenge me on it.

2.  Doing Nothing - I was basically like a hamster running around in its wheel.  It might have looked like I was doing something but I really was just going around in circles.  It was exhausting.  I had to decide to change my perspective.  Change my mind from negative to positive thinking.  I had to stop being filled with insecurity and doubt.  I had to realize that I needed to take an active part in my life.

3.  Over thinking and Worrying about EVERYTHING - I was good at this.  In fact, I was the best.  My fears had me looking too deep into things, it created problems, it didn't fix them.  I would think and think and think, and thought myself right out of happiness a thousand times over, and never once into it.  Worrying didn't take away tomorrow’s troubles, it took away today’s peace and potential for me.

4. Not Giving the People Around me a Chance - I regret this every day.  I still regret it even after I have had months to learn from all the things I should have been paying attention to months and months ago.  But, when you know better you do better.  I know better now.  I will do better and I have opened my ears and everything that was said was right.

5.  My Pride - “A proud person is always looking down on things and other people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something beautiful that is above you.” CS Lewis.  Or maybe instead of "pride" I could just say "being an absolute bitch".  Either way, I knew I needed to give up my pride.  I wasn't going to be able to stay in my home.  I wasn't going to be able to keep my car.  I wasn't going to be able to maintain the lifestyle I had and oh well. My happiness and The Marbles happiness was more important.  Once I came to that conclusion, I felt lighter and I seemed nicer.

So, I noticed that when I stopped doing all the wrong things I gave the right things a chance to start.  It hasn't been easy and it's something that I have had to be conscious of every day.  But, I also have little reminders here and there that I am doing good.  I take the time to tell myself that I am proud of the accomplishments that I have made.  They might not be big ones, but to me they're huge.

My Marathon

These last few weeks have felt like the end of a marathon.  TGIM and I have communicated effectively on so many levels that it amazes me that we weren't able to do this years ago.  The dynamic that we shared as a married couple to get things done re-emerged with the negotiations of the settlement agreement and it was almost like old times yet we were on opposite teams this time.

It's lonely standing on the sidelines without your Head Coach.  It's hard staring across the field and seeing him standing on the other side with his own game plan and not having a clue what his strategy is but knowing you have to be one step ahead and two steps faster to beat him at the game.  Unfortunately, that is what the end of this divorce turned into was a game of who could out negotiate the other.  If you know me and you know my debating skills, you can bet I won.

However, as He and I went back and forth with four revisions of the Marital Settlement and close to fifteen revisions to the Parenting Plan, I have to admit that neither one of us yelled, cursed, talked over, put down, degraded, argued loudly or fought about what the other wanted.  It was as if we both decided to just lay down our swords.  Me more so than him.

So, when it was all said and done, I finally signed the last of my divorce papers on Friday.  It was the final chapter in this long drawn out process.  The secretary at my lawyers office asked me how I felt about it and I told her I was glad it's over.  I guess I don't really have any more feeling toward it because TGIM and I have been living apart for two years now and it feels like we have been unmarried for that long anyway.  It was just a piece of paper that was legally keeping us married and several financial decisions that needed to be decided.  I guess it was just the decision making process of being on separate teams that struck me as being sad.  But, frankly, the fact that my marriage is over and in just a couple weeks when the judge signs the final judgement and I will no longer be married to him has no positive or negative feelings on me. 

Up until about a week ago I felt that I needed to say a lot of things to both TGIM and C to clean the slate and bring closure to the part of my life where I maybe didn't handle relationships all that well.  I have spent a lot of time over the last several months determining what it is that makes me happy and how I need to apply those things to my life.  I laid the groundwork for how I need to treat myself, my children and other people so I can be a happy, productive person.  I need to show up in my life every day and participate in it in a positive way.  That is something I am fully aware that for many years I never did.  I don't think if I said that I was sorry to TGIM and that I was completely absent for several years of our marriage it would matter because what is done is done. I can't go back and change the past and as much as I would like to know then what I know now, I only can learn from those past experiences and choose not to do them again with anyone else.  Unfortunately, when I met C that realization had not come yet and he didn't quite stand a chance with me.  With him, I wasn't ready to move on in a relationship and I have a lot to say to him about that.  He has let me know that he has no interest in hearing any of what I have to say, and that's fine.  I have made peace with the fact that I was a different person who had some unresolved issues and misdirected anger. I have dealt with those things and will not let them define me anymore.  I don't have to apologize or explain myself anymore to two people whom I loved to complete this process in my life.

I am closing this book.  I putting it on the shelf.  I am never going to read it again.
I am different now.  I am neither defined my by marriage nor my break-ups.  I am stronger because of what I have gone through.  I am divorced.  

The Clearing.....

I was told that I have been carrying a sack of rocks uphill for months now and that I will continue to carry that sack for another six to nine months.  That was a good analogy because the weight of the stress I have been carrying does feel that heavy.  I was also told that there is a light ahead and that I should be able to see it.  And, I can.  It's there.  I'm optimistic I will reach the clearing in fewer than six months and drop the sack of rocks and be free from the burdens that have weighed me down for the past few years.

About two years ago, I wrote here about the five stages of grief.  Divorce takes you through those stages in almost textbook fashion. I came out of the grief a different person.  I was so angry.  I was mean.  I was hostile.  I was ready to fight at the drop of a hat.  I didn't take anyone's feelings into consideration.  I completely blocked off my heart from letting any ounce of compassion out or in.  While doing that I lost the person that I was.  I allowed myself to get involved in situations that weren't beneficial to me.  I was irresponsible at times financially.  I got caught up in relationships that were unproductive and hurtful.  I lost sight of my purpose and my place on this planet.

Then one night about a month ago I was sitting out on my lanai where I do all my thinking and I had this huge realization.  I was sitting on the same spot on the couch that I had sat two years prior staring down the street after He left me hoping His red truck would turn down the road to come home, but it never did.  I was sitting on the same couch where I had cried to my Mom, my sister, Autumn, myself because my life had fallen apart and all I wanted to do was magically put it back together.  And, in that moment I realized that being angry and bitter and sad and upset these last two years has taken me to the same place - that couch.  I was right where I was two years ago.  Only nothing better had happened to me, in fact things had only gotten worse.  My house was now in foreclosure, I had not one failed relationship but two because the person I had started dating didn't work out with either, my divorce was ugly and expensive and deadlocked, my children were living in flux, I was broke, I had no other skills to better my life past the skills I had that day.  So, I just decided I was done.  That was it. 

I wrote down a list of the things that I needed to change.  There were many choices I needed to make, however the one choice that was going to dictate how the rest of that list played out was my choice to be happy.  All along I thought that a house is what made me happy, or money, or a nice car, or a solid marriage, or a boyfriend that took me places.  Then I realized I had lost all of that and I had three girls relying on me to toughen up and figure shit out. 

The next morning I drafted a settlement offer to Him that was fair and that I knew would quickly resolve this divorce.  He and I talked on the phone, minus lawyers, like we had always been able to do and negotiated between each other until we were able to reach a deal that we felt we could bring to the table and discuss with our lawyers and agree to.  Neither one of us came out winning, but in the end I got what I wanted.  I pleaded my case with Him on why I felt I was entitled to the things I was asking for.  I think he finally realized what I was saying and over the many, many years that Him and I were together the one thing we were always able to do was talk and figure shit out.  I wish we could have done that years ago.

Once the settlement was done and getting fine tuned, I contacted Florida Gulf Coast University because it was time for me to go back to college.  It's been time for a while, but I needed to do this.  FGCU gave me some good pointers about their admission process and because I haven't been in school for a long time, they advised me to start at Edison State College and finish up my prereq's before starting back into a degree program.  I am all registered at Edison and I am just waiting on my residency to be approved and my financial aid.  I will go meet with an adviser and next thing you know, I will be a college student!  Exciting!

Also on my list was to make sure I didn't spend another minute moping around in front of my Marble's and what a difference that made.  My demeanor changed a million percent and then their demeanor changed.  The laughter in my house is awesome.  I love being with my girls.  Now, I look forward to being home with them when before, I didn't have the energy to do anything with them.

And finally, I am doing stuff for me.  I have to.  I have neglected myself for far too long.  My hope is that I am going to see someone a year from now and they are going to look at me and remember the sad, miserable, uptight, wrapped around the axle Bridget they once knew and be happy for me that I chose to finally get off the porch and start living again.

Sifting Through the Rubble

Some days I can see the big picture and I know that at some point my life will pan out and things will be ok.  But most days I live in the narrow scope of what my reality is:  financial stress, heart ache from divorce, turmoil of relationships, guilt of motherhood and wondering when busting my ass at work will bring me any sort of success.  I live every day wondering how the fuck I'm going to do this?  How am I going to pay for that?  What are my Marbles or me going to go without this week so I can pay whatever was past due last week?  I realize that this is going to be my life for the long term.  I don't see it getting better any time soon.  In fact, I see it being just this stagnant for quite some time. 

With two years creeping up since I filed for divorce there is so much that needs to be heard before a judge it's hard to even keep straight.  The most important thing to me is that when I look back at the settlement years from now, I don't regret that I didn't do something.  I want to make sure that I have dotted every "i" and crossed every "t", but there always seems to be more shit that gets added to his already Mt. Rushmore size heaping pile of divorce shit that sifting through it makes me cringe all too often.

The latest saga in the never-ending divorce battle is my decision to stop paying the mortgage that He never brought current per the court order and now him deciding to no longer pay child support and alimony to me.  This makes my blood boil.  I don't understand why He thinks he makes the rules and calls the shots?  Maybe it's because he hasn't been held accountable for anything therefore since he hasn't been forced by the court to do anything, then why should he *have* to do anything.

I feel like I am still stuck in neutral because nothing with this divorce is going anywhere.  I am still living in flux.  How does one move on or start fresh or get off the porch when they're being weighed on by the reality of what their life is today?  Where am I supposed to muster the strength to throw a thumbs up, slap on a smile and press on when I'm wiping the tears from my eyes as I'm pulling into the parking lot of work on a Monday morning? 

I bet employers don't even realize that their very own employees call out sick not because they're ill but because they can't afford the gas to drive in to work.  I bet employers don't know that their very own people that they hand a gun and a badge to and say, "Go protect our County" go home at night and eat a can of green beans because that's all they have in the house to eat and payday isn't for another two days.  No one realized the other day when I had to pay the last of the money I had for my water pump that I didn't eat dinner the next day because I had no money for food.  I lied to the Marble's and told them I had a big lunch when in fact, I had not eaten lunch either.  I fear my life will be like this for longer than I can handle it and I wonder if throwing in the towel will seem like the best option and I will just let Him have the win.

Two Zero One Three

Another year has gone by and the divorce has continued to move through 2013 and will enter into 2014 just as unresolved as it was when He sat on the lanai in November of 2011 and told me he was leaving.  There is no resolution to the assets, no resolution to the debts, only an oral agreement with the "Shared Parenting Responsibility" and I feel like everything in my life has been thrown up in the air and is still just hanging there above my head in limbo.

My friends and family tell me that I don't know how strong I am and they're right I don't because I don't feel strong.  I feel like I just go through the motions of doing what I have to do to manage what I have to manage at the time it needs to be managed.  It's not strength.  It's muddling through the mucky waters because that's the path I'm on and what other choice do I have but just keep wading through it?

This past year was less about the shock of HIM leaving and more about the process to figure out how I was going to move on instead of hold on.  I had to let go. 

I had to let go of the anger that was eating away at me.

    The anger was a security blanket for me.  I felt I was entitled to the anger because look what He did to me.  Look what He did to us.  I had a right to be angry.  I let it consume me to the point where being angry trickled into my work, my attitude, my body language, my driving, the way I handled my Marble's.  I was mean to everyone.  I directed my anger at people and things that I had no business directing anger at.  Once, I was able to just let it go and choose not be so mad, living my daily life got a tad bit easier.  Don't get me wrong, the anger still lingers around, but it's not at the forefront of every emotion.  When Pink Marble asks to babysit Her kids my first reaction isn't to say no just because I hate the bitch for meddling in my marriage.  I realized that was my anger thinking for me and instead I understand that Pink Marble just wants to babysit and in the end it's not a big deal and I let it happen.  It wasn't worth it anymore.

 I had to let go of the insurmountable sadness that kept me in bed for days at a time unable to see past the next minute of my life.

   Oh the sadness.  The crying so hard I couldn't even breathe sometimes.  I'd sit on the tile floor in my bathroom and hold a towel to my face so my sobs would be muffled and the Mable's wouldn't hear me.  Those days I thought for sure I would never have a day that I didn't cry.  Today, I don't cry as much about what took Him away.   I cry about the life we should have had and that the one that I truly miss living.  I'm sad now for my Marble's because they're the ones who have suffered the biggest loss. The tears now are from my mistakes and how I should have been able to recognize them and make changes.  Those realizations still bring about sadness.

And with those realizations, I had to let go of the blame and take responsibility for my part in how I ended up at this point in my life. 

   This part wasn't easy.  In fact, it was one of those things were you end up taking a hard look at who you really are and conclude that there are some things about yourself that you need to change because they're just not working out they way you're doing them.  It took me meeting someone over the summer and having some pretty in-your-face discussions for me to reflect back on myself and be able to take ownership for my part in the marriage.  I spent a lot of time the last half of this year talking about who I am: my flaws, my weaknesses, my inability to "do".  What I took away from these conversations gave me some insight into how I handled things, not only in my marriage but also in my other relationship with people in my life. And how, moving forward, I will handle things differently when presented with circumstances which would have provoked me to use other behaviors. 
  
I think maybe I needed this year to have experiences I did so I could take what I learned and apply them to what I will encounter in 2014. 

Speak My Language

I'm really good at blaming myself for everything.  And, it doesn't help that I've had some pretty awesome men in my life that take to pointing the finger at me and strip me of my self esteem to where I feel like I haven't much mastered the art of knowing who I am much less how to love myself or anyone else for that matter.

 I am not a touchy-feely person.  For months leading up to Him leaving, I'd tell my girl friends, "I just don't want to be touched."  The thought of someone putting their arms around me made my skin feel like I was being poked with needles.  The Marbles would want to cuddle with me and for a few seconds I would be a big pile of goo holding them in my arms, then that moment would fade and all I could think was when they would be ready to get off me.  So, as you can imagine the not wanting to be touched trickled down to other intimate parts of my life and BAM....He found himself someone who did want to be touched and now here I am.  I have my Yellow Marble next to be in bed snoring and I'm alone.  But, I asked for this right?  I didn't want to be touched.  Therefore, no one is touching me.

I am still not one that feels comfortable being affectionate and I have realized perhaps it's just part of my personality.  While in a therapy session with the Marble's the therapist was talking about our different Love Languages.  There are five Love Languages:  Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch.  I knew immediately what Love Language I didn't speak-Physical Touch.  I also knew immediately which one I screamed from the rooftops of every house I lived in - "AHHHHH ACCCTTTS of SSSSERRRRRVVVICCEEEE".  Please let me show you how much I love you by doing your laundry, washing your floors, painting your house, cleaning your kitchen, vacuuming your floors, running your errands, driving you to the airport even if it's in the complete opposite direction I am going, writing your college essays for you, paying the bills on time, grocery shopping, making the bed and arranging all the decorative pillows so they look like it's out of a magazine.  You get the idea?  It's no wonder I speak this Love Language because it would explain my personality type and why I feel like I can't ever relax because I feel so much love for those around me that I always have to be doing stuff for them.  See, it all makes sense.  It's just He never realized it.  He never saw that when he came home and he had clean underwear and freshly washed sheets to sleep on and a clean floor to walk on and a shiny table to eat off of that it was oozing love.  That was my gigantic hug to him. 

I Think I Swallowed a Boulder

There has been this heaviness in my gut for more than a year.  Some days I feel like maybe I have been able to briefly shake it, but eventually it creeps up again and there it looms.  It's a heaviness that keeps me from ever feeling like I can just relax.  And, I'm ready for that feeling to go away.

I spent about a year and a half alone without someone to fill the emptiness of my time once He left.  Then, out of nowhere, I met someone who made that heaviness in my gut subside and the smile on my face reappear.  But, there was work to do.  I had realized during the year and half that I was alone why He had left and what part I played in his departure and I accepted responsibility for that.  Something else I realized was I'm a difficult person to love and it's just who I am.

Who am I?

I am hard working and I like for things to be organized.  When things are not organized, I am the person to get them organized.

I have a hard time relaxing and I constantly have to be doing something because I always have something to do.

I am good at taking care of the day-to-day practical necessities.

I can be very funny, straight forward and honest.

I am a problem solver.  My mentality is, "Let's fix it."

I am fast-paced.  I walk fast, drive fast, eat fast, talk fast, work fast. 

I don't like to be alone.  I need people I can depend on. 

I can be extremely judgmental.

I am often stubborn, inflexible, unreasonable, and overly rigid.

I can be materialistic.
   
I tend to believe I'm always right and have a hard time listening to other people's opinions.

I can be insensitive and inadvertently hurt others so I have become really good at saying, "I'm sorry."
   
I am very uncomfortable with change.

I take my commitments in relationships very seriously and I look for lifelong relationships.

I dislike repeated mistakes.

I go the extra mile and put a great deal of effort into everything I do.

I found that both in my marriage and in the new relationship both men found that a lot of these things about me were my downfalls. Some of these things about me for years I were told are my greatest enemies have actually been my loyal servants.  It is because of them that I am who I am.

Mind Games

You know how when you hear about someone who has dealt with a traumatic experience they have certain ways of coping with things that help them get through the experience?  Well, I think I am reaching for whatever type of means of coping I can grasp on to in order to get through this divorce.  I realize I am not the first person to get divorced.  I know there are a lot of people out there that are going through similar situations, but for me this is my life, my divorce and man, it fucking sucks.

My mind is my worst enemy most days.  It likes to tell stories.  It likes to embellish things that might or have happened to bring about my anxiety and then I can be found buffing the stainless steel refrigerator for an hour to make sure there are so streaks, hazy spots or smears.  My mind loves to fuck with me with "what if" sceneraio's or "if I just would have" thoughts that I find myself consumed with trying to think back at all the things I missed that caused me to end up in this position.  My mind speculates about what the future will hold for me and flips back to the past and makes me wish I was still living in that time.  It likes to distort reality and bring in all the great things about the past and weave it in with all the bad things about the present to create all kinds of uncertainty about the future.

I deal with things by being passive aggressive, sarcastic or sleeping.  I have been worried about the court date and the open house and meeting Her and how my Marble's will adjust to His house and home.  I have worried about what I am going to say when I see Her and all the things that I want to say to Him about how bad he's messed everything up for everyone. 

I think both Him and Her are selfish.  Possibly the most selfish people who are walking this planet at this moment right now.  I don't understand it and I know it's not for me to understand but perhaps someone can explain to me how two adults can think it's best for one adult to leave his family and another adult thinks it's right to move her children in with said guy and expect things to work out and be harmonious?  I think about how my Marble's are going to be ten years from now.  And, how her children are going to be ten years from now.  Because, really, these five kids are the ones who have undoubtedly suffered the most in this.  Neither Him nor Her had the children's best interests in mind.  They moved forward for their own selfish desires and left this mess in their wake.

August 20th will be my 13 year wedding anniversary.  On that day, I will still be married.  But, the marriage has been broken.  Thanks to them there are six people suffering from their choices.  My mind won't rest for a long time.  I'm stuck in this hell trying to cope with seeing her with my husband and my Marble's.  I have to take my Marble's to a therapist so they can articulate exactly how they feel about this situation.  It's sad.  I think my mind is fucked up, I can't imagine what runs through my Marble's minds in all this chaos. 

I have to be the strong, stable one.  I have to be positive and remain the mother that I know I can be.  I have to push these thoughts out of my head and regroup and move forward.  I can only be accountable for my actions and the way I handle the situations that come before me.  God, I wish I could convince myself of this for real and not just on this blog.

Acceptance

It has been a long road these last eight months.  There have been days when lying in my bed even took too much energy.  There have been days when I didn't think I could make it another second without collapsing into myself and never being able to come out as anything more than damaged goods.  The five stages of grief are pretty dead on.  I held on to the first four stages and dug my nails into them for longer than what I would have liked, but I find that I might be moving on to the last and final stage, Acceptance.

I genuinely feel I am good at split second decisions.  My job as taught me that not only do I have gut instinct but my intuition is dead on and if I follow my gut instinct it always ends up being right.  But, yesterday I found myself in a situation where my integrity, morals, character, gut instinct and overall motherly abilities where on the line and I was given about half of a half of a second to either do what I needed to do to prove to my Marble's that I am resilient or I could put on the boxing gloves and jump into the ring. 

Him and I had been fighting all morning about when I was supposed to come get my two Marble's from his house who had been with him since they had returned from Michigan.  He refused to give me the gate code to his uber-Pleasantville residential community and he was just being difficult about my time with the Marble's.  So, I told him I would be at this house at 10am to get the Marble's and after a heated exchange he hung up on me.

There were a few things I knew before going into this "pick-up" at his new house.

1.  I knew I didn't want to go by myself to his house.(But I did.)

2.  I knew She wasn't working and would be there and ultimately, I'd be meeting her. (Put on cute jeans, lip gloss and did my hair.)

3.  I knew what the Marble's had told me about their new rooms at His house and their new this and that He had gotten for them and all I could think about was what a shit place I must live in because I couldn't afford to get my Marble's anything new while they were away visiting in Michigan.

4.  I knew I had to get Blue Marble to at least go to His house with me.  If only for a second, so the transition could start for her.  (This took tons of coaxing and a little bribing.)

5. I knew my anxiety level was at its peak.  My heart was racing.  I was nervous.  I wish this wasn't happening.

When I arrived at his house, his truck was not there.  There was some confusion, yet relief because I wasn't going to have to deal with Him and Her at the same time.  My Yellow Marble threw open the door of his "new" house and wanted me to come in and see her "new" room.  I asked if her daddy was home and she told me no, so I asked if I could speak to Her to see if it was ok for me to come into their house to see Yellow Marble's room.  At that moment, she appeared at the door and invited me into the house that she moved from Michigan to live in with my husband.  I was staring her in the face.  I had played this moment over in my head a million times about what I would do or say when I first met her.  Was I going to just lay into her and let her know exactly how bad she fucked everything up?  Was I going to claw her face off and kick her in the gut and try to cause as much physical pain on her as she caused emotionally on me?  I had a hundred different one liners that I wanted to say; little jabs to make her aware of the havoc she has caused in my life and the lives of my Marble's.  But, there she was.  And there I was.  I looked at her in person I saw a homely, unkempt, slightly overweight woman with graying hair and zits on her chin and I almost busted out laughing at the weed he chose to leave me for on his greener grass over there on the other side.

This woman who had caused me such heart ache and such devastation stood before me and the only thing I could think to do was pity her for diving into the mess that she had gotten herself into with my family.  What a fucking fool you are, Lady!

Her two kids and my Yellow Marble were all very excited to have me in the house.  Her kids are six and two and a half and I am positive they had no clue who I was.  They were overly excited to show me their rooms and all their toys and everything "new" to them in their new environment.  My Pink and Yellow Marble were the same way.  "Mom, look at this.  Look at my new room.  Look at our new bathroom."  I smiled and acted like that I was seeing was the most amazing thing ever.  Her kids would show me their baby doll and I acted like it was the most incredible baby doll I had ever laid eyes on.  My Marble would point out something in the house and I acted like it was the most amazing object that ever graced a home in Southwest Florida.  The whole situation was surreal and utter chaos.

I'm not sure when it all came about because in all the craziness of five kids all wanting my undivided attention, two of which were my nemesis' little ones, it was mentioned that Her kids should see my Marble's rooms at my house.  The excitement built.  You would have thought Santa had walked into the room carrying puppies for everyone.  Kids were jumping on the beds cheering.  One of Her kids had already run to her room to pack a bag for a sleepover at my house.  I felt like I was cornered.  Everyone thought it was the best idea in the world to have Her kids come to MY house to see MY Marble's stuff and I was the only one looking like a deer in head lights thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" She made no attempts to quiet her kids about coming over.  In fact, She pretty much wanted to push her children into my arms and send all six of us out the door immediately.  I didn't know what to do or what to say in this situation. This was not the scene I play out in my head at all.  I was already overcome with every emotion imaginable.  I had just met the woman who fucked up my life.  I am standing the home that she has made now with my husband looking at the places where my Marble's are going to sleep when they are in that house.  Everyone was all excited except for me and I was forced to say something so......

I agreed.

Cheer erupted from all corners of the house.  My two Marble's were all excited that Her kids got to see my house.  Her kids were all excited to see my house.  She was all excited to get everyone out of her house and next thing I knew I had Her daughter in my car and She was following me to my house with my Pink Marble and her baby in the car behind me so everyone could have one big happy dysfunctional playdate.

When we arrived in my driveway I knew She was going to come in and get a tour from the Marble's and they did just that.  My house isn't just a house, it's a home.  I made sure of that when we bought our house that I made it into a place that showed it was us who lived there.  There are family pictures still on the walls.  There are pictures of Him and me still lingering on the walls, in the laundry room and hung up with magnets on the Marble's school lockers in the laundry room.  She went from room to room not nearly acting as excited about what she was seeing as I was acting when I was at Her house.  I wondered what was going through her mind.  Now, within minutes the tables were turned.  She was on my turf.  She was in the home that I shared with her new boyfriend.  What the fuck was going through her mind?

Her children stayed at my house for six hours.  I tended to them as if they were my own including making sure the little one went to the bathroom on the potty because She was potty training the baby.  I watched them like a hawk in the pool, made sure they had full bellies and played with them like I would anyone else's children.  I did this because I am a mother.  I define myself first as a mom.  A good mother.  And, it was absolutely necessary for my Marble's to see me and Her tolerate each others presence and be cordial so there was peace in that moment.  It was necessary for my Marble's to see their mother have respect for someone who disrespected me, be kind to someone who was not kind to me and be strong when I feel I am at the weakest point in my life.  I didn't want the Marble's to feel scared that I was going to do anything to Her nor did I want them to witness any kind of fighting.  There might have been another way YOU would have handled that situation, but as a mother of three Marble's who are going through a living hell right now taking Her children to my house for a play date was possibly what needed to happen at that moment.

When the day was over and I laid in bed last night thinking about the events of the day, I wasn't sure I did the right thing.  I talked to a lot of people yesterday, including my therapist, about the situation and I tried to pick their brains for what Her motivation might have been to so eagerly send her children with me to my house.  In the end, I figured out what it was.  In fact, She told me what it was.  She needed a break.  She had not had a break in six weeks and She needed a break.  Apparently, I was the one who was going to give it to her.  Somehow She felt that raging bitch who called her twice many months ago and screamed every derogatory word you could call a female was okay enough to hang out with her kids.  I don't get it.  I don't know if I will ever do it again.  But, it bridged a gap.  The meeting yesterday was nothing I expected it to be but made me accept the change that is happening in my life and for a brief moment I was okay with what I had seen at their house and what I had seen looking at her and I felt like I was going to pull through this.  

Which Way is Out

I started down the path of doing things for myself which included seeking help with this depression thingie I have going on.  I felt like I was standing in the woods and all I could see before me were trees.  There was no clear, defined way out.  After going to the psychiatrist and counselor, I have been able to vaguely see a path off in the distance which I think is the one I am supposed to take to get me out of this mess of emotions I have been dealing with.

The psychiatrist said I have "situational depression", anxiety and OCD.  I really didn't need to go to her to be given that diagnosis.  I already knew these things and I think every one around me was well aware of these three things that trigger the tears that seem to fall from my eyes on a daily basis.  My therapist wants me to go have "fun".  I am not even sure I know what that is.  I know it's fun to hang out with my friends. I know it's fun to travel.  I know it's fun to play games with the Marble's, but am I really having fun while I am doing it?

This past week I found myself in situations where I was on the verge of tears.  I have gotten pretty good at my eyes filling up with tears and somehow being able to not let them fall from my eyes when I am in social situations.  However, in doing that my face gets red, my lips start to quiver and I take a defensive sitting position in which my arms are folded across my chest and my legs are crossed tightly one over the other.  I took this position the other night at the Blue's house when they had a small gathering of friends over.  The men started talking about the child support that they **had** to pay and I could feel myself not only getting angry but I was on the verge of a huge cry.  I grabbed my things, said bye to everyone and asked my friend Blue to drive me home.  As soon as we got in the car he asked me if I was ok.  Before he would even get the "ok" out he said, "Nevermind I know you're not." And, the crying began.  Those big, fat tears that don't roll down my cheeks but instead fall from my eyes gushed out of me.  There are certain people I feel safe crying around.  The Blue's are two of them.  I cry nonstop and I cry nonstop around them.  I can't imagine why they continue to stick around and still come by and still invite me to do things when I am such a crazy mess.

I was explaining this particular crying spell to my therapist and she told me I am giving Him power.  Why did he do this to me?  How could he do this to our family?  Why doesn't he love me anymore?  Why he did have the affair?  I am allowing myself to be a victim.  In being the victim, I am giving him the power to have me feel this way.  I do feel like I am a victim in this but I have never been the type of person to play the victim card or sit back and allow someone to make me feel as horrible as he makes me feel.  I have to take that power away from him.  I am not sure how to do it but I am going to try.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to cling to the Blue's and to my friends and family up north for support.  I swear if I didn't hear the voices of my mom and A on a daily basis I would probably have collapsed into a puddle of goo by now.  My therapist also said I need to allow time to work itself out.  I don't like hearing that but deep down I know it's true.  Right now Time can kiss my ass because it's working way too slow.  I want to fast forward and not have to work through this uncomfortableness.  I want to not have to put so much effort into pretending to be strong when I know that I am not strong right now.

I'm am taking baby steps toward that clearing in the woods; toward that path that will lead me out of this mess.  I just hope it doesn't take too much longer to reach the end.

Reference

I'm at this very transitional place right now where I don't know what to refer to him as when I am talking about my divorce.  I could say "exhusband" but I feel like that implies that we are already divorced.  I could call him my "husband" but that would imply that we are still married.  Perhaps people might even assume, happily married?  I could refer to him as "the asshole", "dick", "cheater" but then those names have to be followed by an explanation as to why I am referring to him with such hostility. 

When I talk about him to someone and I have to make reference back to him I find myself stumbling over my words because I don't know what to say.  These are the little things that pop up every day that I find just keep being a constant reminder of my plight. 

What to Say?

Though I liken these feelings I have of this divorce to what it might feel like to experience the sudden death of someone I deeply love, I am thankful that it's only a divorce I am going through and I'm only going to court in a couple weeks and not a funeral.  The reason being is because no one knows what to say when you're sad.  I've been placed in a situation where I've had to say something to someone when they have experienced a tragedy and I've been that person that just says the cliche, "I'm so sorry."  "It will get better. "  "It takes time."  But what do these phrases really mean?  To me, they're just filler for people who don't know what else to say. 

I feel like I am coming off like the biggest bitch right now and I feel like it might convey that I don't appreciate the thoughtfulness of those around me and the pick-me-ups they try to say, because I do.  I'm just so far into this funk that now it all sounds redundant.  It's all stuff I have heard a gazillion times and, frankly, I am sick of hearing it.

It is mean of me to say these things because i know all the people I have talked to when things seem like shit are people I adore and trust.  But each day brings about a greater struggle to get myself up and moving and in the frame of mind to conquer the day.  Sleep is my salvation.  With depression sleep can go either way.  You either don't sleep at all or you sleep all the time.  I flip flop back and forth.  Right now all I want to do is sleep.  It's the only time I have peace.  It's the only time my brain gets quiet from the rumblings of everything I have going on and I can just disappear into my bed and not be bothered. 

Since the Marble's have been gone, I come home from work and go right to bed.  Sometimes I will eat.  But, most of the times I am not hungry.  I call it the Divorce Diet.  I'm not hungry much at all.  I hear my stomach saying "Feed me!" but I have no appetite.  I might turn on the TV or I might just lay in silence in my bed.  I have been able to go a few days without crying but today I cried most of the day. 

It seems like even the smallest issue that gets thrown my way becomes this huge hurdle to overcome.  Every day this week there has been something to fuck up my day.  And the things always happen right in the morning and then other little things continue through the day and eventually it all adds up to this steamy, smelly, heaping pile of shit that I carry around day in and day out. 

I want to feel better.  I took my friends advice and I am seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor to try to navigate my way through all these feelings.  This isn't fun.  This isn't a refreshing place to be in.  I am angry, sad, bitter, hurt, frustrated, scared, pathetic, ugly, fat, tired, depressed 35 year old woman.  What a shitty time to be me right now.

Festering

He probably has no idea how his actions have trickled down into every facet of my life. 

I curse him daily for leaving me with the mess that he did.  I curse him daily for running off with her and leaving me standing there alone, in our beautiful home, with our beautiful daughters while he set out to embark on some new journey in his life.  Then, as if it was something that had been going on for years, he finds it okay to subject our kids to the life he has left me for.  I don't understand it. 

His absence is felt a million times over.  And, I don't want him back.  But, I never wanted him to leave.  The small things that are occurring right now seem insurmountable.  The three screen panes that have torn and blown off in the midst of the series of storms we have had in the last few weeks create such anxiety for me.  The idea of trying to repair the screens myself is paralyzing.  I stood outside by the smallest screen to repair, the screen to the lanai door, and I cried.  It's not my "job" to fix it.  It was his job.  I feel my heart racing when I have to make decisions without him. 

People tell me it's going to get better.  God! I am so sick of hearing that.  People tell me that I need to smile.  Smile at what?  The court papers I just got saying my wages are going to be garnished because there was an outstanding debt him and I never paid.  People say I need to be happy that my Marble's are healthy and I have supportive friends.  Yeah, I am thankful for that but that doesn't mean that it's going to make all these other stresses go away.

How do you go from knowing what a person is doing 24/7 to having them not giving a fuck about whether you're safe or happy or just alright?  How can someone who told you they loved you for over a decade just not give a fuck about you anymore?  I don't get it.  I constantly wonder what I did to deserve this because I had to have done something.  No good person would be forced to live through the grief that I have been living through if I had not done something awful to deserve it.

I'm a different person now.  I don't look forward to tomorrow.  I don't look forward to coming home.  I do what I have to do to get me through right now and hope that I can sleep away the rest of the day because there is nothing special about anything I have going on.  When there is no one to hug you when you leave for work and no one to tell you to have a nice day, then what's the point of being eager to stay or go?  When there is no one to come home to and no one to sit with you at night and recap your day, what's the point of even staying awake?  I do what I have to do.  I say what I have to say and every once in a while I crack and a little bit of the depression seeps out and whoever is there at the time gets a glimpse of it.  Sometimes, I will reach out to someone but most of the time I just let it fester. 

I have been following the author of the blog Suburban Bliss and she had a rough year with her divorce.  She has found her way and I hope one day I will find my way back to being the person that I was before all this started.