Sifting Through the Rubble

Some days I can see the big picture and I know that at some point my life will pan out and things will be ok.  But most days I live in the narrow scope of what my reality is:  financial stress, heart ache from divorce, turmoil of relationships, guilt of motherhood and wondering when busting my ass at work will bring me any sort of success.  I live every day wondering how the fuck I'm going to do this?  How am I going to pay for that?  What are my Marbles or me going to go without this week so I can pay whatever was past due last week?  I realize that this is going to be my life for the long term.  I don't see it getting better any time soon.  In fact, I see it being just this stagnant for quite some time. 

With two years creeping up since I filed for divorce there is so much that needs to be heard before a judge it's hard to even keep straight.  The most important thing to me is that when I look back at the settlement years from now, I don't regret that I didn't do something.  I want to make sure that I have dotted every "i" and crossed every "t", but there always seems to be more shit that gets added to his already Mt. Rushmore size heaping pile of divorce shit that sifting through it makes me cringe all too often.

The latest saga in the never-ending divorce battle is my decision to stop paying the mortgage that He never brought current per the court order and now him deciding to no longer pay child support and alimony to me.  This makes my blood boil.  I don't understand why He thinks he makes the rules and calls the shots?  Maybe it's because he hasn't been held accountable for anything therefore since he hasn't been forced by the court to do anything, then why should he *have* to do anything.

I feel like I am still stuck in neutral because nothing with this divorce is going anywhere.  I am still living in flux.  How does one move on or start fresh or get off the porch when they're being weighed on by the reality of what their life is today?  Where am I supposed to muster the strength to throw a thumbs up, slap on a smile and press on when I'm wiping the tears from my eyes as I'm pulling into the parking lot of work on a Monday morning? 

I bet employers don't even realize that their very own employees call out sick not because they're ill but because they can't afford the gas to drive in to work.  I bet employers don't know that their very own people that they hand a gun and a badge to and say, "Go protect our County" go home at night and eat a can of green beans because that's all they have in the house to eat and payday isn't for another two days.  No one realized the other day when I had to pay the last of the money I had for my water pump that I didn't eat dinner the next day because I had no money for food.  I lied to the Marble's and told them I had a big lunch when in fact, I had not eaten lunch either.  I fear my life will be like this for longer than I can handle it and I wonder if throwing in the towel will seem like the best option and I will just let Him have the win.