Festering

He probably has no idea how his actions have trickled down into every facet of my life. 

I curse him daily for leaving me with the mess that he did.  I curse him daily for running off with her and leaving me standing there alone, in our beautiful home, with our beautiful daughters while he set out to embark on some new journey in his life.  Then, as if it was something that had been going on for years, he finds it okay to subject our kids to the life he has left me for.  I don't understand it. 

His absence is felt a million times over.  And, I don't want him back.  But, I never wanted him to leave.  The small things that are occurring right now seem insurmountable.  The three screen panes that have torn and blown off in the midst of the series of storms we have had in the last few weeks create such anxiety for me.  The idea of trying to repair the screens myself is paralyzing.  I stood outside by the smallest screen to repair, the screen to the lanai door, and I cried.  It's not my "job" to fix it.  It was his job.  I feel my heart racing when I have to make decisions without him. 

People tell me it's going to get better.  God! I am so sick of hearing that.  People tell me that I need to smile.  Smile at what?  The court papers I just got saying my wages are going to be garnished because there was an outstanding debt him and I never paid.  People say I need to be happy that my Marble's are healthy and I have supportive friends.  Yeah, I am thankful for that but that doesn't mean that it's going to make all these other stresses go away.

How do you go from knowing what a person is doing 24/7 to having them not giving a fuck about whether you're safe or happy or just alright?  How can someone who told you they loved you for over a decade just not give a fuck about you anymore?  I don't get it.  I constantly wonder what I did to deserve this because I had to have done something.  No good person would be forced to live through the grief that I have been living through if I had not done something awful to deserve it.

I'm a different person now.  I don't look forward to tomorrow.  I don't look forward to coming home.  I do what I have to do to get me through right now and hope that I can sleep away the rest of the day because there is nothing special about anything I have going on.  When there is no one to hug you when you leave for work and no one to tell you to have a nice day, then what's the point of being eager to stay or go?  When there is no one to come home to and no one to sit with you at night and recap your day, what's the point of even staying awake?  I do what I have to do.  I say what I have to say and every once in a while I crack and a little bit of the depression seeps out and whoever is there at the time gets a glimpse of it.  Sometimes, I will reach out to someone but most of the time I just let it fester. 

I have been following the author of the blog Suburban Bliss and she had a rough year with her divorce.  She has found her way and I hope one day I will find my way back to being the person that I was before all this started.