Two Zero One Three

Another year has gone by and the divorce has continued to move through 2013 and will enter into 2014 just as unresolved as it was when He sat on the lanai in November of 2011 and told me he was leaving.  There is no resolution to the assets, no resolution to the debts, only an oral agreement with the "Shared Parenting Responsibility" and I feel like everything in my life has been thrown up in the air and is still just hanging there above my head in limbo.

My friends and family tell me that I don't know how strong I am and they're right I don't because I don't feel strong.  I feel like I just go through the motions of doing what I have to do to manage what I have to manage at the time it needs to be managed.  It's not strength.  It's muddling through the mucky waters because that's the path I'm on and what other choice do I have but just keep wading through it?

This past year was less about the shock of HIM leaving and more about the process to figure out how I was going to move on instead of hold on.  I had to let go. 

I had to let go of the anger that was eating away at me.

    The anger was a security blanket for me.  I felt I was entitled to the anger because look what He did to me.  Look what He did to us.  I had a right to be angry.  I let it consume me to the point where being angry trickled into my work, my attitude, my body language, my driving, the way I handled my Marble's.  I was mean to everyone.  I directed my anger at people and things that I had no business directing anger at.  Once, I was able to just let it go and choose not be so mad, living my daily life got a tad bit easier.  Don't get me wrong, the anger still lingers around, but it's not at the forefront of every emotion.  When Pink Marble asks to babysit Her kids my first reaction isn't to say no just because I hate the bitch for meddling in my marriage.  I realized that was my anger thinking for me and instead I understand that Pink Marble just wants to babysit and in the end it's not a big deal and I let it happen.  It wasn't worth it anymore.

 I had to let go of the insurmountable sadness that kept me in bed for days at a time unable to see past the next minute of my life.

   Oh the sadness.  The crying so hard I couldn't even breathe sometimes.  I'd sit on the tile floor in my bathroom and hold a towel to my face so my sobs would be muffled and the Mable's wouldn't hear me.  Those days I thought for sure I would never have a day that I didn't cry.  Today, I don't cry as much about what took Him away.   I cry about the life we should have had and that the one that I truly miss living.  I'm sad now for my Marble's because they're the ones who have suffered the biggest loss. The tears now are from my mistakes and how I should have been able to recognize them and make changes.  Those realizations still bring about sadness.

And with those realizations, I had to let go of the blame and take responsibility for my part in how I ended up at this point in my life. 

   This part wasn't easy.  In fact, it was one of those things were you end up taking a hard look at who you really are and conclude that there are some things about yourself that you need to change because they're just not working out they way you're doing them.  It took me meeting someone over the summer and having some pretty in-your-face discussions for me to reflect back on myself and be able to take ownership for my part in the marriage.  I spent a lot of time the last half of this year talking about who I am: my flaws, my weaknesses, my inability to "do".  What I took away from these conversations gave me some insight into how I handled things, not only in my marriage but also in my other relationship with people in my life. And how, moving forward, I will handle things differently when presented with circumstances which would have provoked me to use other behaviors. 
  
I think maybe I needed this year to have experiences I did so I could take what I learned and apply them to what I will encounter in 2014.