I started down the path of doing things for myself which included seeking help with this depression thingie I have going on. I felt like I was standing in the woods and all I could see before me were trees. There was no clear, defined way out. After going to the psychiatrist and counselor, I have been able to vaguely see a path off in the distance which I think is the one I am supposed to take to get me out of this mess of emotions I have been dealing with.
The psychiatrist said I have "situational depression", anxiety and OCD. I really didn't need to go to her to be given that diagnosis. I already knew these things and I think every one around me was well aware of these three things that trigger the tears that seem to fall from my eyes on a daily basis. My therapist wants me to go have "fun". I am not even sure I know what that is. I know it's fun to hang out with my friends. I know it's fun to travel. I know it's fun to play games with the Marble's, but am I really having fun while I am doing it?
This past week I found myself in situations where I was on the verge of tears. I have gotten pretty good at my eyes filling up with tears and somehow being able to not let them fall from my eyes when I am in social situations. However, in doing that my face gets red, my lips start to quiver and I take a defensive sitting position in which my arms are folded across my chest and my legs are crossed tightly one over the other. I took this position the other night at the Blue's house when they had a small gathering of friends over. The men started talking about the child support that they **had** to pay and I could feel myself not only getting angry but I was on the verge of a huge cry. I grabbed my things, said bye to everyone and asked my friend Blue to drive me home. As soon as we got in the car he asked me if I was ok. Before he would even get the "ok" out he said, "Nevermind I know you're not." And, the crying began. Those big, fat tears that don't roll down my cheeks but instead fall from my eyes gushed out of me. There are certain people I feel safe crying around. The Blue's are two of them. I cry nonstop and I cry nonstop around them. I can't imagine why they continue to stick around and still come by and still invite me to do things when I am such a crazy mess.
I was explaining this particular crying spell to my therapist and she told me I am giving Him power. Why did he do this to me? How could he do this to our family? Why doesn't he love me anymore? Why he did have the affair? I am allowing myself to be a victim. In being the victim, I am giving him the power to have me feel this way. I do feel like I am a victim in this but I have never been the type of person to play the victim card or sit back and allow someone to make me feel as horrible as he makes me feel. I have to take that power away from him. I am not sure how to do it but I am going to try.
In the meantime, I am going to continue to cling to the Blue's and to my friends and family up north for support. I swear if I didn't hear the voices of my mom and A on a daily basis I would probably have collapsed into a puddle of goo by now. My therapist also said I need to allow time to work itself out. I don't like hearing that but deep down I know it's true. Right now Time can kiss my ass because it's working way too slow. I want to fast forward and not have to work through this uncomfortableness. I want to not have to put so much effort into pretending to be strong when I know that I am not strong right now.
I'm am taking baby steps toward that clearing in the woods; toward that path that will lead me out of this mess. I just hope it doesn't take too much longer to reach the end.
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