Though I liken these feelings I have of this divorce to what it might feel like to experience the sudden death of someone I deeply love, I am thankful that it's only a divorce I am going through and I'm only going to court in a couple weeks and not a funeral. The reason being is because no one knows what to say when you're sad. I've been placed in a situation where I've had to say something to someone when they have experienced a tragedy and I've been that person that just says the cliche, "I'm so sorry." "It will get better. " "It takes time." But what do these phrases really mean? To me, they're just filler for people who don't know what else to say.
I feel like I am coming off like the biggest bitch right now and I feel like it might convey that I don't appreciate the thoughtfulness of those around me and the pick-me-ups they try to say, because I do. I'm just so far into this funk that now it all sounds redundant. It's all stuff I have heard a gazillion times and, frankly, I am sick of hearing it.
It is mean of me to say these things because i know all the people I have talked to when things seem like shit are people I adore and trust. But each day brings about a greater struggle to get myself up and moving and in the frame of mind to conquer the day. Sleep is my salvation. With depression sleep can go either way. You either don't sleep at all or you sleep all the time. I flip flop back and forth. Right now all I want to do is sleep. It's the only time I have peace. It's the only time my brain gets quiet from the rumblings of everything I have going on and I can just disappear into my bed and not be bothered.
Since the Marble's have been gone, I come home from work and go right to bed. Sometimes I will eat. But, most of the times I am not hungry. I call it the Divorce Diet. I'm not hungry much at all. I hear my stomach saying "Feed me!" but I have no appetite. I might turn on the TV or I might just lay in silence in my bed. I have been able to go a few days without crying but today I cried most of the day.
It seems like even the smallest issue that gets thrown my way becomes this huge hurdle to overcome. Every day this week there has been something to fuck up my day. And the things always happen right in the morning and then other little things continue through the day and eventually it all adds up to this steamy, smelly, heaping pile of shit that I carry around day in and day out.
I want to feel better. I took my friends advice and I am seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor to try to navigate my way through all these feelings. This isn't fun. This isn't a refreshing place to be in. I am angry, sad, bitter, hurt, frustrated, scared, pathetic, ugly, fat, tired, depressed 35 year old woman. What a shitty time to be me right now.
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