Kicked Myself in the Ass

I knew it was time for me to do something because I couldn't linger in my sadness anymore.  I couldn't stand myself and I knew other people couldn't stand me either.  So, along with my list of things that I needed to actively do to get myself going again like settle my divorce, go back to school and exercise there were also many, many mental things that coincided with that list.

I took my usual seat on my lanai one night after the girls had gone to bed in late January and compiled another list:

 things I needed to give up in order to be happy

1.  Excuses - I had an excuse for everything. And, I refused to let go of anything.  I had a reason for hanging on and digging my nails in.  I had an excuse and I was ready to pounce and fight and argue if someone was to challenge me on it.

2.  Doing Nothing - I was basically like a hamster running around in its wheel.  It might have looked like I was doing something but I really was just going around in circles.  It was exhausting.  I had to decide to change my perspective.  Change my mind from negative to positive thinking.  I had to stop being filled with insecurity and doubt.  I had to realize that I needed to take an active part in my life.

3.  Over thinking and Worrying about EVERYTHING - I was good at this.  In fact, I was the best.  My fears had me looking too deep into things, it created problems, it didn't fix them.  I would think and think and think, and thought myself right out of happiness a thousand times over, and never once into it.  Worrying didn't take away tomorrow’s troubles, it took away today’s peace and potential for me.

4. Not Giving the People Around me a Chance - I regret this every day.  I still regret it even after I have had months to learn from all the things I should have been paying attention to months and months ago.  But, when you know better you do better.  I know better now.  I will do better and I have opened my ears and everything that was said was right.

5.  My Pride - “A proud person is always looking down on things and other people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something beautiful that is above you.” CS Lewis.  Or maybe instead of "pride" I could just say "being an absolute bitch".  Either way, I knew I needed to give up my pride.  I wasn't going to be able to stay in my home.  I wasn't going to be able to keep my car.  I wasn't going to be able to maintain the lifestyle I had and oh well. My happiness and The Marbles happiness was more important.  Once I came to that conclusion, I felt lighter and I seemed nicer.

So, I noticed that when I stopped doing all the wrong things I gave the right things a chance to start.  It hasn't been easy and it's something that I have had to be conscious of every day.  But, I also have little reminders here and there that I am doing good.  I take the time to tell myself that I am proud of the accomplishments that I have made.  They might not be big ones, but to me they're huge.