Acceptance

It has been a long road these last eight months.  There have been days when lying in my bed even took too much energy.  There have been days when I didn't think I could make it another second without collapsing into myself and never being able to come out as anything more than damaged goods.  The five stages of grief are pretty dead on.  I held on to the first four stages and dug my nails into them for longer than what I would have liked, but I find that I might be moving on to the last and final stage, Acceptance.

I genuinely feel I am good at split second decisions.  My job as taught me that not only do I have gut instinct but my intuition is dead on and if I follow my gut instinct it always ends up being right.  But, yesterday I found myself in a situation where my integrity, morals, character, gut instinct and overall motherly abilities where on the line and I was given about half of a half of a second to either do what I needed to do to prove to my Marble's that I am resilient or I could put on the boxing gloves and jump into the ring. 

Him and I had been fighting all morning about when I was supposed to come get my two Marble's from his house who had been with him since they had returned from Michigan.  He refused to give me the gate code to his uber-Pleasantville residential community and he was just being difficult about my time with the Marble's.  So, I told him I would be at this house at 10am to get the Marble's and after a heated exchange he hung up on me.

There were a few things I knew before going into this "pick-up" at his new house.

1.  I knew I didn't want to go by myself to his house.(But I did.)

2.  I knew She wasn't working and would be there and ultimately, I'd be meeting her. (Put on cute jeans, lip gloss and did my hair.)

3.  I knew what the Marble's had told me about their new rooms at His house and their new this and that He had gotten for them and all I could think about was what a shit place I must live in because I couldn't afford to get my Marble's anything new while they were away visiting in Michigan.

4.  I knew I had to get Blue Marble to at least go to His house with me.  If only for a second, so the transition could start for her.  (This took tons of coaxing and a little bribing.)

5. I knew my anxiety level was at its peak.  My heart was racing.  I was nervous.  I wish this wasn't happening.

When I arrived at his house, his truck was not there.  There was some confusion, yet relief because I wasn't going to have to deal with Him and Her at the same time.  My Yellow Marble threw open the door of his "new" house and wanted me to come in and see her "new" room.  I asked if her daddy was home and she told me no, so I asked if I could speak to Her to see if it was ok for me to come into their house to see Yellow Marble's room.  At that moment, she appeared at the door and invited me into the house that she moved from Michigan to live in with my husband.  I was staring her in the face.  I had played this moment over in my head a million times about what I would do or say when I first met her.  Was I going to just lay into her and let her know exactly how bad she fucked everything up?  Was I going to claw her face off and kick her in the gut and try to cause as much physical pain on her as she caused emotionally on me?  I had a hundred different one liners that I wanted to say; little jabs to make her aware of the havoc she has caused in my life and the lives of my Marble's.  But, there she was.  And there I was.  I looked at her in person I saw a homely, unkempt, slightly overweight woman with graying hair and zits on her chin and I almost busted out laughing at the weed he chose to leave me for on his greener grass over there on the other side.

This woman who had caused me such heart ache and such devastation stood before me and the only thing I could think to do was pity her for diving into the mess that she had gotten herself into with my family.  What a fucking fool you are, Lady!

Her two kids and my Yellow Marble were all very excited to have me in the house.  Her kids are six and two and a half and I am positive they had no clue who I was.  They were overly excited to show me their rooms and all their toys and everything "new" to them in their new environment.  My Pink and Yellow Marble were the same way.  "Mom, look at this.  Look at my new room.  Look at our new bathroom."  I smiled and acted like that I was seeing was the most amazing thing ever.  Her kids would show me their baby doll and I acted like it was the most incredible baby doll I had ever laid eyes on.  My Marble would point out something in the house and I acted like it was the most amazing object that ever graced a home in Southwest Florida.  The whole situation was surreal and utter chaos.

I'm not sure when it all came about because in all the craziness of five kids all wanting my undivided attention, two of which were my nemesis' little ones, it was mentioned that Her kids should see my Marble's rooms at my house.  The excitement built.  You would have thought Santa had walked into the room carrying puppies for everyone.  Kids were jumping on the beds cheering.  One of Her kids had already run to her room to pack a bag for a sleepover at my house.  I felt like I was cornered.  Everyone thought it was the best idea in the world to have Her kids come to MY house to see MY Marble's stuff and I was the only one looking like a deer in head lights thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" She made no attempts to quiet her kids about coming over.  In fact, She pretty much wanted to push her children into my arms and send all six of us out the door immediately.  I didn't know what to do or what to say in this situation. This was not the scene I play out in my head at all.  I was already overcome with every emotion imaginable.  I had just met the woman who fucked up my life.  I am standing the home that she has made now with my husband looking at the places where my Marble's are going to sleep when they are in that house.  Everyone was all excited except for me and I was forced to say something so......

I agreed.

Cheer erupted from all corners of the house.  My two Marble's were all excited that Her kids got to see my house.  Her kids were all excited to see my house.  She was all excited to get everyone out of her house and next thing I knew I had Her daughter in my car and She was following me to my house with my Pink Marble and her baby in the car behind me so everyone could have one big happy dysfunctional playdate.

When we arrived in my driveway I knew She was going to come in and get a tour from the Marble's and they did just that.  My house isn't just a house, it's a home.  I made sure of that when we bought our house that I made it into a place that showed it was us who lived there.  There are family pictures still on the walls.  There are pictures of Him and me still lingering on the walls, in the laundry room and hung up with magnets on the Marble's school lockers in the laundry room.  She went from room to room not nearly acting as excited about what she was seeing as I was acting when I was at Her house.  I wondered what was going through her mind.  Now, within minutes the tables were turned.  She was on my turf.  She was in the home that I shared with her new boyfriend.  What the fuck was going through her mind?

Her children stayed at my house for six hours.  I tended to them as if they were my own including making sure the little one went to the bathroom on the potty because She was potty training the baby.  I watched them like a hawk in the pool, made sure they had full bellies and played with them like I would anyone else's children.  I did this because I am a mother.  I define myself first as a mom.  A good mother.  And, it was absolutely necessary for my Marble's to see me and Her tolerate each others presence and be cordial so there was peace in that moment.  It was necessary for my Marble's to see their mother have respect for someone who disrespected me, be kind to someone who was not kind to me and be strong when I feel I am at the weakest point in my life.  I didn't want the Marble's to feel scared that I was going to do anything to Her nor did I want them to witness any kind of fighting.  There might have been another way YOU would have handled that situation, but as a mother of three Marble's who are going through a living hell right now taking Her children to my house for a play date was possibly what needed to happen at that moment.

When the day was over and I laid in bed last night thinking about the events of the day, I wasn't sure I did the right thing.  I talked to a lot of people yesterday, including my therapist, about the situation and I tried to pick their brains for what Her motivation might have been to so eagerly send her children with me to my house.  In the end, I figured out what it was.  In fact, She told me what it was.  She needed a break.  She had not had a break in six weeks and She needed a break.  Apparently, I was the one who was going to give it to her.  Somehow She felt that raging bitch who called her twice many months ago and screamed every derogatory word you could call a female was okay enough to hang out with her kids.  I don't get it.  I don't know if I will ever do it again.  But, it bridged a gap.  The meeting yesterday was nothing I expected it to be but made me accept the change that is happening in my life and for a brief moment I was okay with what I had seen at their house and what I had seen looking at her and I felt like I was going to pull through this.