The Clearing.....

I was told that I have been carrying a sack of rocks uphill for months now and that I will continue to carry that sack for another six to nine months.  That was a good analogy because the weight of the stress I have been carrying does feel that heavy.  I was also told that there is a light ahead and that I should be able to see it.  And, I can.  It's there.  I'm optimistic I will reach the clearing in fewer than six months and drop the sack of rocks and be free from the burdens that have weighed me down for the past few years.

About two years ago, I wrote here about the five stages of grief.  Divorce takes you through those stages in almost textbook fashion. I came out of the grief a different person.  I was so angry.  I was mean.  I was hostile.  I was ready to fight at the drop of a hat.  I didn't take anyone's feelings into consideration.  I completely blocked off my heart from letting any ounce of compassion out or in.  While doing that I lost the person that I was.  I allowed myself to get involved in situations that weren't beneficial to me.  I was irresponsible at times financially.  I got caught up in relationships that were unproductive and hurtful.  I lost sight of my purpose and my place on this planet.

Then one night about a month ago I was sitting out on my lanai where I do all my thinking and I had this huge realization.  I was sitting on the same spot on the couch that I had sat two years prior staring down the street after He left me hoping His red truck would turn down the road to come home, but it never did.  I was sitting on the same couch where I had cried to my Mom, my sister, Autumn, myself because my life had fallen apart and all I wanted to do was magically put it back together.  And, in that moment I realized that being angry and bitter and sad and upset these last two years has taken me to the same place - that couch.  I was right where I was two years ago.  Only nothing better had happened to me, in fact things had only gotten worse.  My house was now in foreclosure, I had not one failed relationship but two because the person I had started dating didn't work out with either, my divorce was ugly and expensive and deadlocked, my children were living in flux, I was broke, I had no other skills to better my life past the skills I had that day.  So, I just decided I was done.  That was it. 

I wrote down a list of the things that I needed to change.  There were many choices I needed to make, however the one choice that was going to dictate how the rest of that list played out was my choice to be happy.  All along I thought that a house is what made me happy, or money, or a nice car, or a solid marriage, or a boyfriend that took me places.  Then I realized I had lost all of that and I had three girls relying on me to toughen up and figure shit out. 

The next morning I drafted a settlement offer to Him that was fair and that I knew would quickly resolve this divorce.  He and I talked on the phone, minus lawyers, like we had always been able to do and negotiated between each other until we were able to reach a deal that we felt we could bring to the table and discuss with our lawyers and agree to.  Neither one of us came out winning, but in the end I got what I wanted.  I pleaded my case with Him on why I felt I was entitled to the things I was asking for.  I think he finally realized what I was saying and over the many, many years that Him and I were together the one thing we were always able to do was talk and figure shit out.  I wish we could have done that years ago.

Once the settlement was done and getting fine tuned, I contacted Florida Gulf Coast University because it was time for me to go back to college.  It's been time for a while, but I needed to do this.  FGCU gave me some good pointers about their admission process and because I haven't been in school for a long time, they advised me to start at Edison State College and finish up my prereq's before starting back into a degree program.  I am all registered at Edison and I am just waiting on my residency to be approved and my financial aid.  I will go meet with an adviser and next thing you know, I will be a college student!  Exciting!

Also on my list was to make sure I didn't spend another minute moping around in front of my Marble's and what a difference that made.  My demeanor changed a million percent and then their demeanor changed.  The laughter in my house is awesome.  I love being with my girls.  Now, I look forward to being home with them when before, I didn't have the energy to do anything with them.

And finally, I am doing stuff for me.  I have to.  I have neglected myself for far too long.  My hope is that I am going to see someone a year from now and they are going to look at me and remember the sad, miserable, uptight, wrapped around the axle Bridget they once knew and be happy for me that I chose to finally get off the porch and start living again.