One of the requirements to get divorced in Florida is to take an online parenting class. Apparently, some big whig in some big office somewhere thinks divorcing couples will benefit from a "four hour", $40 class that you can basically skim through in about 45 minutes. What I didn't need to learn about how to co-parent the class made up for in talking about how adults handle the divorce.
What I found most fitting to my situation was the Five Stages of Grief. Much like how I had talked about the other day that this divorce feels like a death, people who are divorcing often grieve the same way someone would who has lost a loved one. I guess I am normal in the way I am dealing with this. I have gone through the first three stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining and I am stuck on the fourth: Depression and I haven't even gotten close to reaching the fifth: Acceptance.
The first stage is Denial. I was in denial for several months and sometimes I still feel like I am in denial. The course said that it is ok to be going through a couple of the grief stages at the same time so, again, I am normal. When I first found out that he wanted to get divorced and that he was "in love" with someone else I kept thinking that it wasn't true. I thought that he was just confused or upset with me and he needed to cool off and he'd come back. My friend kept telling me that I needed to realize that he wasn't coming back and I would say to her, "I just can't believe this is happening." She would tell me that I had to believe it. But I couldn't. None of it seemed real to me because I was so invested in my marriage that I never thought he would do anything remotely close to what he did. As I tried to sort out all these feeling I had I eventually found myself moving into the next phase of grief which is Anger.
Once the reality of him not coming back home settled in I got pissed. How could he do this to us? How could he just walk out on his family for someone else? How could he look into the face of his little girls and say that they aren't important enough to be with and just take off leaving us alone? I felt an enormous amount of guilt which triggered my anger even more. I'd scream at him so loud while standing in my garage that I was sure the neighbors were going to call the police on me. I was enraged at the sight of him because all I could think about was what he was doing with some other woman. He was sharing things with another person that he should be sharing with me. He couldn't resist the temptation and instead acted upon his weakness and in doing so destroyed a wonderful family. So, while I had all this anger I'd see him and stage three Bargaining would happen. Or what I like to call "Being Pathetic".
I think I have been pathetic more than any other thing during this whole process. If I wasn't bargaining with him, then I was bargaining with God, myself, deceased relatives, anyone that I could think of that could help me get through the most horrible time in my life. The "What if's" played out in my head constantly. I still think that what if I had been a better wife? What if I didn't work nights? What if I listened more or talked less? ...would he had stayed. Then there are the "If Only's". These ones fuck me up all the time when they start rummaging through my head. If Only I had given him more sex. If only I had lost more weight? If only I had seen the lapse in communication and tackled it instead of withdrawing into myself and succumbing to my own issues. There were days he'd come to the house and I'd beg him to come back. I'd cry so heavily that I'd feel like I was going to be physically ill. "I will do anything." I'd tell him. "Anything. Just please give me another chance. I promise I will make it better." Make what better I have no idea. But, whatever it was that took him away, I was willing to mend to bring him back. I would have done anything too. I would have bargained for whatever he wanted to have him back with me. It didn't work. I am still alone. He is there in his condo and I am here in our bed, alone.
So, now I've reached stage four Depression. I recognize that I am depressed. I look at myself in the mirror every day and I feel like I am a walking blob. Some days I feel like if someone would just give me a hug, I'd feel better. And, most days the Marble's are there to hug on me and it's comforting but a hug from your child and a hug from your spouse are two entirely different things and when one type of hug is missing you search it out in other people. I go into work and hope that someone will hug me there. I see my friends and hope that they will hug me. Then I wonder if I am holding onto that hug for longer than I should. Some days, i want to hug someone and never let go. I want them to just pick me up and move me like six months into the future so I don't have to go through this anymore. The depression is awful. It consumes every part of who I am and makes me completely miserable. I worry that because he left me that my friends will tire of me and leave me too. I worry that I am too much to handle right now and if the person who I thought would stand by me for better or worse would leave me then why wouldn't my friends just leave me too.
The depression is noticeable at work. People ask me why I am so quiet yet I still can't say it out loud without crying. I can't say that I'm getting divorced because i will break down. So I just say that I'm tired as I am fighting back tears. I was asked today what diet I am on because I look like I'm losing more weight. It's the Depression Diet. The diet that I hope no one ever has to go on. I am stuck in this stage and I can't move from it. It actually feels like this is my normal right now. Feeling like shit is the new normal for me. I can't see myself being happy if all these changes are going to happen. I see myself being stuck in this depression for quite some time so being able to move onto the fifth step is nearly impossible to even think about right now. That fifth step being Acceptance. I haven't even really accepted that I am getting divorced let alone accept anything else that comes along with it. At some point maybe I can write a blog post about Acceptance and how I finally reached that milestone. Until then, the weight on my chest remains. The tears in my eyes keep coming down and the ache in my heart is profound.
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