My Marathon

These last few weeks have felt like the end of a marathon.  TGIM and I have communicated effectively on so many levels that it amazes me that we weren't able to do this years ago.  The dynamic that we shared as a married couple to get things done re-emerged with the negotiations of the settlement agreement and it was almost like old times yet we were on opposite teams this time.

It's lonely standing on the sidelines without your Head Coach.  It's hard staring across the field and seeing him standing on the other side with his own game plan and not having a clue what his strategy is but knowing you have to be one step ahead and two steps faster to beat him at the game.  Unfortunately, that is what the end of this divorce turned into was a game of who could out negotiate the other.  If you know me and you know my debating skills, you can bet I won.

However, as He and I went back and forth with four revisions of the Marital Settlement and close to fifteen revisions to the Parenting Plan, I have to admit that neither one of us yelled, cursed, talked over, put down, degraded, argued loudly or fought about what the other wanted.  It was as if we both decided to just lay down our swords.  Me more so than him.

So, when it was all said and done, I finally signed the last of my divorce papers on Friday.  It was the final chapter in this long drawn out process.  The secretary at my lawyers office asked me how I felt about it and I told her I was glad it's over.  I guess I don't really have any more feeling toward it because TGIM and I have been living apart for two years now and it feels like we have been unmarried for that long anyway.  It was just a piece of paper that was legally keeping us married and several financial decisions that needed to be decided.  I guess it was just the decision making process of being on separate teams that struck me as being sad.  But, frankly, the fact that my marriage is over and in just a couple weeks when the judge signs the final judgement and I will no longer be married to him has no positive or negative feelings on me. 

Up until about a week ago I felt that I needed to say a lot of things to both TGIM and C to clean the slate and bring closure to the part of my life where I maybe didn't handle relationships all that well.  I have spent a lot of time over the last several months determining what it is that makes me happy and how I need to apply those things to my life.  I laid the groundwork for how I need to treat myself, my children and other people so I can be a happy, productive person.  I need to show up in my life every day and participate in it in a positive way.  That is something I am fully aware that for many years I never did.  I don't think if I said that I was sorry to TGIM and that I was completely absent for several years of our marriage it would matter because what is done is done. I can't go back and change the past and as much as I would like to know then what I know now, I only can learn from those past experiences and choose not to do them again with anyone else.  Unfortunately, when I met C that realization had not come yet and he didn't quite stand a chance with me.  With him, I wasn't ready to move on in a relationship and I have a lot to say to him about that.  He has let me know that he has no interest in hearing any of what I have to say, and that's fine.  I have made peace with the fact that I was a different person who had some unresolved issues and misdirected anger. I have dealt with those things and will not let them define me anymore.  I don't have to apologize or explain myself anymore to two people whom I loved to complete this process in my life.

I am closing this book.  I putting it on the shelf.  I am never going to read it again.
I am different now.  I am neither defined my by marriage nor my break-ups.  I am stronger because of what I have gone through.  I am divorced.