Warrior Dash Recap

one of the Craziest Frickin' Days of My Life!!!

Saturday was Warrior Dash and TGIM and I killed it on the course. If you're not familiar with Warrior Dash it is a 5k with a series of obstacles along the route that include rope climbing, mud, water and all other kinds of craziness.

The run started with us being corralled at the starting line for our 9:00am heat. We all counted down and headed out for about a half mile run until we came to our first obstacle the "Rubber Ricochet". This was a bunch of tires hanging from ropes that you had to navigate through all while running through tires. It wasn't too hard except when you were swinging tires one way someone else was swing their tires your way so you could have potentially gotten your head knocked by a tire. I was savvy enough to avoid that.It was like this only with tires on the ground too!

The next obstacle was Road Rage. We had to run over cars and then run through tires. This too wasn't very difficult. You just had to make sure you didn't slip when you were on top of the cars. After making my way over two cars and a shit ton of tires, the course wound its way down a ravine and into a lake. TGIM was about six people ahead of me until we got into the water then I was right behind him. He turned around to warn me about a huge rock he had just tripped on and just then I tripped over the rock. Thinking that it was just a big rock, I went to go step over it but this wasn't just any rock. It was long, jagged and rectangular so every time I went to try to go over the rock I'd fall. At one point, I reached out while falling and grabbed the back of Brian's shorts and pulled them down. By this time I am chest deep in the water doggie paddling and the man next to me grabbed my arm and pulled me up to shore. Thank goodness for strong Warriors.

After about another quarter mile run we hit our next obstacle which was an A framed structure that you had to climb up one side and repel down the other side on a rope. I don't know how to repel so once I got up the one side and started to go down the rope, I just slid down the rope causing some terrible rope burns. These rope burns I sustained at the beginning of the course, caused me a lot of pain along the rest of the obstacles.

The next obstacle was the "Chaotic Crossover" which was a cargo net laid out vertically about four feet above the ground. It took some common sense to figure this one out which I noticed many of the Warriors that were dashing did not have. The best way to cross over this obstacle is on all fours crawling. But there were some people trying to scoot on their butt, walk up right or slither across like a snake. I used the support beam in the center as stabilization and crawled across on all fours. I was across Chaotic Crossover in no time.

At this point the obstacles were spaced out a little closer together so it made me think less about running and more about climbing. My hands were blistering from sliding down the ropes so climbing the next obstacle "Giant Cliffhanger" wasn't easy.

I think this was one of the harder ones for me because I had to use my upper body strength to pull myself up the angled wall which causes you to be in a really awkward position in which your butt is sticking out and you're kinda hunched over. But, I got up it relatively fast and I thought TGIM was still waiting to go up so once I got over it I looked back only to find him standing ahead of me waiting on me! He's such a gentle Warrior always waiting for me to make sure I made it over the obstacles safely!

By this time I was sweating, tired and thirsty. I walked to the next stop which was a series of chains we had to go through and then wade across a mucky river. Most of the times when we reached an obstacle we had to wait on other people to complete it before we had a chance to get our turn. It wasn't a long wait but everyone would rush to the next thing and then we'd have to stand there for a minute. It gave us time to catch our breath. Trudging through the mucky river wasn't bad. But some people were acting like they didn't want to get wet. It's Warrior Dash. Jump in! Get dirty! And Go!!!

After coming out of the second water/mud run my shoes were feeling heavy. My clothes were soaking wet and it made trying to get myself over the other obstacles kinda tricky. But, relief came when I reached a tube that was filled with mud that we had to slide through like an enclosed slide into a bunch of mud and netting that we then had to crawl past. This one wasn't hard so I was able to regain my composure and get my head back into the running game.

We ran down a paved trail which was nice because most of the time along the run it was gravel or grass and I had not been used to running on that surface. I eventually came to a rock climbing wall which is scurried up and over in no time and then came the hardest obstacle of the day for me.

It was another rope wall only the rope was hanging about six feet up from the ground. So, in order for me to grab onto the rope I had to jump up, grab the rope and then try to pull myself up the rope on the vertical wall. This wasn't easy. It's really hard to jump up, grab a rope, hold on and pull yourself up. It took me about two tries to jump up and reach the rope and be able to hold on long enough to pull myself up to the top platform. Once I got to the top the only way down was to slide down a pole. Easy enough, right? Well, I wrapped my legs around the pole and went to slide down but before I could even think I was hitting the ground with so much force TGIM was sure I had broken my tailbone. I guess I will never be a stripper!

Next was the cargo net that was easy to get up if you stay to the sides were the wooden beams were. I was up and over that in less than a minute and then it was time to jump over two large bonfires that the flames were about three feet off the ground. I think my inner thighs got singed. And now this is where the competition between TGIM and I gets tricky.

TGIM was ahead of me the whole race by maybe a car length. He'd reach and obstacle, conquer it and then wait for me to make sure I got over it before he continued on. He seemed to think that after he jumped over the fire the race was over even though the finish line was clearly indicated with a huge FINISH banner and a gigantic mud pit. TGIM says when he jumped over the fire he heard a beep which made him think time had stopped so he started to walk. I, on the other hand, knew I still needed to go through the mud pit so I started sprinting it leaving TGIM in the dust.

As I got to the mud pit there were chains and barbed wire hanging low to the ground so you had to squirm under the chains into the mud to get through it. I was excited about getting down and dirty even more so I dove right under the barbed wire and wriggled my way through the mud like I had been living in mud my whole life. Once I got out I ran as fast as I could to the finish line and completed my first Warrior Dash in 50 minutes and nine seconds. My goal was to complete it in an hour and it felt great attaining my goal!! TGIM followed up behind me with a time of 50 minutes and 28 seconds. We were both covered in mud and could hear the Marble's cheering us on as we came across the finish line. It was a really fun time and I strongly encourage everyone to find a Warrior Dash event in their area and sign up!!!

Turkey Trot Recap

Blue Marble and I set out yesterday for The 32nd Annual Turkey Trot in Cape Coral. The weather was a little cool so I suited up in my Under Armour compression shirt which said that it would keep my muscles warm during cooler temperatures. I also sported my under Armour spandex pants (I'm waiting for UA to sponsor me) and a couple tank tops (for the layering effect). And, my Brooks. Oh and The Ugly hat. Blue Marble wore her usual everyday uniform of black tshirt and basketball shorts.

Don't we look like real runners???

We arrived at the race about 45 minutes early and scoped out start line. Blue Marble wanted to be right in the front of the 3,000 people who were participating in the race. Now, this "race" isn't really a real race, it's the Turkey Trot. But apparently for some of the more accomplished runners which I won't name any names (Fort Myers Speedsters) they don't play games at the the Turkey Trot. While we were all huddled near the front line, one of the Speedsters was talking to another Speedster about how the little kids shouldn't be at the front line because they can't run a six minute mile. Then he turned to Blue Marble and asked her if she could run a six minute mile and I looked at the dude and said, "Sir, it's the Turkey Trot! Seriously?" And he proceeded to tell me that we should get to the back of the line. Ok first, I'm not walking a mile and a half back to the end of the hoards of people when I have to run 3 miles forward to get to the finish line. Second, aren't you supposed to be wearing a "Speedsters" tank top? Your chest hair is in my bubble and rubbing on the back of my arm. And, third, it's THE TURKEY TROT!! Not the Boston Marathon. Chill out!!

Once the Ready, Set, Go! was called we all took off and less than a quarter mile down the road Blue Marble ran out of steam. I gave her a pat on the back as she began walking and I jogged by her as practically all 3,000 people behind me passed me by.

I made it to mile one in 10:23 which was really good for me but I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I felt like I was running with the bulls. Between mile 2 and 3 I started to tucker out. My back was aching bad and my breathing in the cool air seemed to make my chest burn. I slowed to a walk and took a short breather at the Mile 2 water station. As, I approached Mile 3, I decided to try some Fartleks to at least get my time up because my goal was under 36 minutes. As I rounded the corner to the homestretch I slowed to a walk again at which point someone on a bike told me, "Come on you can do it, only 800 meters." 800 METERS!!!!! Ok, I have no idea how far that is, but thankfully I saw the finish line because her telling me that in my frame of mind at that point made me think I had entered to run a marathon not a 5k.

I was running slow. Slow enough that 75 year old man and his 5 year old grand daughter passed me, but as I started to head toward the finish line I saw the clock and started sprinting. I wanted to get there in under 36 minutes. I ran. I ran fast. I had a great stride and I crossed over the finish line at 36:06 minutes................

Blue Marble followed up behind me with a time of about 44 minutes. I was so proud of her and she looked so happy when she finished. Then we snacked on some treats they had for us and headed home to a great Thanksgiving dinner.

Next Saturday, Warrior Dash!!!!

Fallen Off the Wagon

This weekend TGIM left me with the Marble's and drove off to Everglades City for some male bonding. It's all fine and dandy that he got his "me" time, but his absence sent me over the edge and everything that I worked so hard for fell apart this weekend. My eating went to crap. I polished off a half gallon of Heath Bar ice cream about an hour ago. A half gallon that I had been grazing on since Friday. I didn't run at all. This isn't good because I have the Turkey Trot on Thursday and Warrior Dash next Friday.

Monday is a new day. A new week. A new time to make better choices! Fingers crossed for a nice morning so I can go for my run before I have to sleep for work tomorrow night!

One Small Thing Can Throw Off My Game

I had every intention of running this morning. In fact, I got on my running uniform and sucked down my Gu and made it about a half a mile until the fact that the shirt I wanted to wear on my run wasn't where I had thought it was and instantly that one thing made me get all anxious and i turned around and headed home to find the shirt.

People! What is wrong with me?

How can the fact that I couldn't find my shirt when I left for my run today cause me to not be able to focus on running?

Because of this situation today, I have come to realize there are a few more things I need to add to my get-up when I go for the run. I have the Ugly Hat, the capri's, the shirt, the water bottle... but here are a few more:

1. .25mg Xanax (which is my .50mg Xanax broken in half)

2. new songs for my 5k playlist (I'm taking suggestions.)

3. socks that aren't Thor-lo

4. 800mg Ibuprofen

5. someone to encourage me when I set out for the run. someone at my first mile to help me stretch and someone near the end to cheer me on during the home stretch. This "someone" can be the same person.

6. A run buddy. As in, someone who runs WITH me.

Making these minor adjustments should put me in perfect training mode in a mere three weeks.

I also felt like I just wasn't into this run today after an email I sent to Autumn and Raphie. The drama swirling around me has seemed to die down a bit, but with it came changes I wasn't anticipating and ones that left me sad and let down. I have expressed these feelings to Raphie and Autumn on numerous occasions and they have been open and honest with me in how to go about dealing with the issue. That being said, it doesn't take away from the fact that there are things I want to say, places I want to go, things I want to see and unfortunately I am not able to do that anymore. It bothers me when things change and I have no say in it. And, when things like that happen I find that I preoccupy myself with something else (Running) so I don't have to deal with the reality of what is going on. Before, when I had issues/change I ate. Now, I try hard not to eat and instead I run. Or try to run. I guess what I am getting at here is that, if it wasn't the issue with the shirt today that threw off my morning run, then it might have been the friendship issue, the dirty kitchen issue, the missing my friends and family in Michigan issue. But, when you have a person you trusted, laughed with, confided in, opened your home to or treated as a family member and then suddenly they're just ...poof....removed from your every day.....it fucks with your head. And, I miss my friends. So as I have said numerous times before, I run....I suggest to you that when you encounter a hurdle in your life, take a minute to go outside and just start running....you'd be amazed at how sometimes that's all it takes.

I only wish today was one of those days. But, I am going to get back out there this afternoon and press on....

All These Things That I Have Done

....so far this morning, that is.

After running the other day for the first time in days, my thighs were miserable as were my shoulders and ankles. I hobbled around the house yesterday thinking I should go run but ended up walking a mile and half around my block while chatting on the phone with Autumn. Her voice does provide for a nice walking rhythm. I told myself, "Self, you need to get your ass out there and run tomorrow." So I woke up early and suited up and headed out for my run.

I have to say that I look more like a runner in my outfits than I actually am. I think I fool a lot of people who pass me on the road. I have these great Under Armour spandex capris that I am not shy about wearing. They are skin tight. And, just to give everyone a good show I don't wear shorts over them so everyone gets a nice view of my ass. Today I tested out my Under Armour compression shirt that I want to wear for Warrior Dash. It's long sleeved and ideal for this cool November morning here in Florida. And by cool I mean it's 50 degrees outside. The shirt pissed me off. It kept riding up on me and I constantly found myself tugging on it to get it back down to my hips. I wore The Ugly Hat too and I find that it allows for a lot more ventilation than my University of Michigan hat I had bought at Meijer several years ago on a visit up to Michigan.

My run was 3.22 miles and again I was cursed with the wind blowing at me in every direction. Usually it just blows east to west or west to east but today it was blowing in my face every which way I ran. It was blowing so hard that it made my eyes water. I know I'm supposed to run with my head up looking at the horizon, but when I feel like a gust of wind is going to blow my head right off my body, it was easier to run looking at my shoes.

This is the little palm tree in front of my house. See those palm fronds that are all gathered on the one side? Well, it's not supposed to be like that. They're supposed to be on the other side but since it's hurricane force winds out there again today, everything is pushed to the other side. After looking more closely at this picture, I don't really think it shows just how windy outside it really is so you're just going to have to take my word for it. My lawn looks nice though!

I'm also feeling sore so Ibuprofen is my new best friend. I am nervous how I am going to feel once I start training for the half marathon. I know my body is going to scream, "What the fuck are you doing to me?" Right now I am just trying to have a good time for my two 5k's I have coming up. But, for now I am going to drift off into dreamland as I prepare for the other thorn in my side this weekend... work.

Will I Be Able To Do This?

This is what my training schedule looks like for the month of February.....

I'm scared!!!

Upcoming Events

My calendar is filling up with races and I'm all sorts of excited to run and hopefully the lose rest of this weight.

TGIM took my measurements last night and I never really realized how oddly misproportioned I am between my waist and my hips. There's a good 11 inches difference. I know I got some junk in the trunk but I thought it was getting to be more the size of a cross-over vehicle than a large size SUV.

Can you hear the GOBBLES??? Well, on Thanksgiving day the Blue Marble and I will be running the 32nd Annual Turkey Trot in Cape Coral. This is a large 5k that seems like everyone in or around Cape Coral has run at one time or another. This will be our first year running this event. The event raises money for the pediatric ward of the Cape Coral Hospital and I'm all about helping sick babies since Blue Marble was once a sick baby.

December 3rd is WARRIOR DASH!!! The geek that I am has been looking forward to this race for months. TGIM and I are running it together and I have been teasing him that I am going to beat him on this race. It's all in good fun, but I am really going to try to beat him. Like seriously try to kick his ass. Wish me luck. I booked a room for the family overlooking the Atlantic Ocean so we are going to take the weekend of Warrior Dash to run, relax and maybe splash around in the Atlantic Ocean. Well, they'll splash I will be having anxiety over being in the sun and sand. The Marble's haven't been on that coast and seen the Atlantic Ocean. It will be a nice little weekend getaway.

The Monday after Warrior Dash I will start training for my half marathon. I was having some anxiety on how I'd keep myself hydrated since the water bottle thingamajig just wasn't happy around my waist (remember how I mentioned early how unproportioned I am??). Luckily, Michael over at Michaeldoeslife offered me a few suggestions that eased my mind and made me relax a little on the water issue. I am still trying to recruit someone to do this half marathon with me, but I am not a salesperson and I am not good at convincing people of things so basically I'm a loner. But, this isn't something new. My old run buddy has taken to basking on his couch posting on gun forums, eating Dorito's and drinking Diet Coke. I can't rely on him to get motivated and he used to make fun of how I run anyway so maybe it's best that I do this on my own.

So with these three races ahead of me, I am going to be determined to record what I eat, stay within my caloric intake (Yesterday i went over by 524 calories but Autumn said that was better than she did so I don't feel so bad) and get my runs in as I work my way up to training for the half marathon.

I feel out of breath just thinking about all this......

The Official Announcement

Well, I have something to say. Imagine that. I guess I should preface this post by stating first that I have given a lot of consideration to this announcement. I have taken almost three weeks to read a book, check dates and formulate a decision that was based on my overall health, determination to lose weight and get in shape and to reach a goal that I set for myself back in March.

March 16th, 2011 was a day that changed the way I think about my health. After a doctor telling me that I am a good candidate for diabetes if I don't get the rest of my weight off, I set out on a mission to gain control over what I ate and how I exercised. I set a goal that day to quit drinking my six pack of Diet Coke habit and I set a goal to run a 5k.

Just two months later, I completed my first 5k. My time wasn't stellar but I did what I said I was going to do. And almost eight months later I am still Diet Coke sober. Now, I have set a new goal.....

I AM GOING TO RUN A HALF MARATHON

Ok. Go ahead and snicker and mumble to yourself, "Sure she is." But, I am determined to do this. The half marathon I have chosen is the First Watch Half Marathon in Sarasota, Florida on March 11, 2012. It's 13.1 miles of running along some of the most flat scenic areas of Sarasota.

The one concern I have is that there is a four hour time limit and if it doesn't look like you're going to haul your ass across the finish line the SAG Wagon comes and picks you up and drives you to the finish line. EMBARRASSING! Yea, so I don't want to be ridin' in the bed of some ol' pick up truck to cross the finish line.

The training schedule I am doing is a 19 week schedule and I am already thinking I can start the training at about week three since I have already been running three to four miles every time I head out for a run.

I am calling this my "Official Announcement" because I need everyone to make me accountable for my training, my food intake and overall sense of humor when it comes to me running. Because, anyone who is going to run a distance that would be much easier to just hop in a car and drive needs to maintain some sort of wit about what they are getting themselves into.

My training will begin after I run Warrior Dash on December 3rd. After that there will be no more "Cheat Days" (I will be very sad to see them go.). No more putting off a run. I will be in full on game mode.

I am hoping you will all check back here as I am going to try to post regularly about my training. And I am sure there will be some interesting reads. My stomach doesn't respond well to running. It gets a little worked up when it knows it's about to set out on a 3.5 mile run around the neighborhood where there will be no bathrooms unless I circle my way past my house which won't happen because if I see my house during a run I will make a bee line toward it and never finish. So, I run as far away from my house as I can get before making my way back in and that makes my belly slightly pissed off. So, the idea of running seven, ten, twelve miles at one time will surely have me squatting in the bushes along Old Burnt Store Rd.



LOOK AWAY!!!!!!!!!! Look away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's coming out of me like Lava!!!!

And, on that note. Happy Running!

The Joys of Chaffing

Ugh. It burns. Wearing Spanx does not help. Vaseline is a great alternative when you don't have Body Glide. Ladies and Gentleman, my ass and hips and inner thighs have officially fallen victim to chaffing.

I am not sure why this chaffing just surfaced after I have spent a good eight months running regularly. I am considering it has something to do with the humidity of running outside since I noticed it happening more since I have taken my stride to the streets. It's annoying and uncomfortable and sitting 12 hours a night at my job isn't making things better.

I am scared what is going to happen to my lower body once I start training. (no official announcement yet!)

The Skinny on the Belly Flab

About a year ago when I was working out with my trainer, Alexa, she forcibly made me do hundreds of ab exercises. With every crunch I did I told her that just having a tummy tuck would be less painful than what she was putting me through. She'd laugh and say, "Ok let's do 25 like this." and then she'd have me morph my body into some contortion and crunch until I was sure my ab muscles were going to come ripping through my abdomen. She always encouraged me that one day, if i keep working out, that flab was going to do down and surgery wouldn't be necessary. She was so wrong. Bring on the scalpel. Ok, well she wasn't entirely wrong. The flab is still there in all it's glory. You are welcome to come visit it if you'd like, but what I have noticed is that it's gotten a tinie tiny bit smaller. Where it once hung down over the top of my pubic line (i know TMI!!!) it now is just like a pouch chilling underneath my belly button.

I haven't done an ab exercise since Alexa left the gym many, many months ago, but I have continued to run and some little birdy told me that running can actually be good for the ab muscles. I am thinking my stomach flab might actually like the fact that it's somewhat presentable in a pair of jeans where the waist comes up over my belly button. Progress people!! Not that I wear high waisted mom jeans but I am thinking I could pull it off right now if I really wanted to and not have to don the Spanx underneath.

Rest assured, that's not going to happen. Spanx are my security blanket. I don't go anywhere without them on, but I got to thinking that maybe one day (without surgery) I will have a stomach that somewhat resembles what my belly once looked like before three kids and a 100 pound weight gain.

October Recap

The month of October zoomed by with about as much speed as I go when I'm running outside. The best part of October was my trip north to see my friends. We headed to Chicago and spent two days laughing and acting like we were teenagers again. I miss that feeling of friendship and I yearn for it every day that I am here in Florida. It took everything in me not to throw Raphie and Autumn in my carry-on and bring them back to Florida with me.

Raphie and I got a pretty good grasp of Autumn but she eventually got away!

The drama that has encompassed my life for the last few months has enabled me to dive back into my running with determination. I've mentioned before in this blog that running is my solace. I am not very good at it, but it helps me clear my mind.

On a recent run around the large block near my house I ended up with major dehydration. This forced me to rush over to the Run Shoppe and purchase a water bottle thingie that goes around my waist and has two little water bottles that rest on my back. I haven't tried it out yet. But, I am hoping it's not too cumbersome. I also picked myself up a new hat that has reflectors on it and a blinking light just in case i have the sudden urge to run at night. I have a feeling I won't set out to run at night, what I am thinking will happen is that it will take me until night to do my run, therefore having a hat that blinks will alert motorists that my ass is chugging along the road and watch out!

I haven't made an official announcement yet but buried is this post is the announcement that after Warrior Dash in December I will start training for a half marathon in March 2012. I will eventually get around to writing a post about why the one in March and why the half marathon and what my training schedule will be, but for now the thought is out there. I feel strong enough that I can do it. I am able to do it. And, for some reason I am willing. We will see how long the "willing" part really lasts.......

Gobble Gobble

I will be running the turkey trot on thanksgiving day with my Blue Marble in preparation for Warrior Dash!!!

Goodbye September

I will be glad to see September go. October is one of my favorite months of the year. Every October since I have been down in Florida, I have made it a point to get back up to Michigan for Girls Weekend with my three best girl friends. In years past we have gone to Cedar Point, but this year we are going to Chicago.

The city of Chicago had my heart years ago when I was just a teenager driving there for concerts and to go to stores like The Alley for any cool goth gear I could find. It was the go-to place for little mini vacations because it always had so much to offer. A month before I got pregnant with Pink Marble I broke the news to TGIM that I was going to be moving there. I wanted to experience life in a city and I knew Chicago was going to be the place for me. But, then SURPRISE, pregnant! And, my dreams of moving came to a screeching halt and the only moving I did was a move from Northville to Clarkston to move in with TGIM. And history was made.... Ok, that sounded lame but anyway, my point is I am excited to go back with three of the awesomestestest people I can think to go with. Also, the icing on the cake is that I get to see my friend Megan who I haven't seen in quite a few years. So all in all, it's going to be a fun time.

I am also welcoming October because when we lived in Michigan it was my favorite time of the year. I loved the change in the seasons. That is something I miss terribly being down in Florida. And, Halloween. My favorite holiday!!! I think we are going to start decorating on Sunday. The Marble's will love that! They love getting the bins out and setting everything up.

Also, I have spent the better part of September in a huge funk. There is too much drama going around and to be able to get away and go be with people who are happy, funny and fun to be around is going to be a much needed remedy for the September Blues.

I'm hoping to get in a few more good, steady runs before the end of the month too.

Stuck in Reverse

I have felt like a pathetic mess lately. Everyone is noticing. I can't seem to talk about what is going on in my life without my eyes filling with tears and repeatedly saying, "It's just so sad." I feel like the drama has swallowed me up and then hurled me into a toilet along with five tons of other shit that came out with it. If that even made any sense? In essence, I feel like a weight is pressing down on my chest and I have no power to lift it off.

Running became my salvation many months ago as an outlet for my emotions. I ran through the sadness of losing my last remaining grandparent. I ran when my friend in Michigan was needing me and I wasn't there. I ran when the Marble's stressed me out. I ran when people came to visit and my house wasn't to par. I ran when my anxiety got the best of me. But, now I have this issue and not even running has seemed to quell the fire inside me.

I ran outside last night for the first time since my 5k in May. I did this for various reasons but mostly because I wanted to feel something other than the stuffiness of the gym. It felt good having the breeze hit me in the face and I was able to take my Yellow Marble along with me. It was nice looking around at the pretty yards that set like little oases among vacant lots. I have become fascinated by front entry doors and oogle at any chance I get when I see one that looks appealing to me. But, once I was done with my run the funk was still there because I knew that I could share my triumph with people who cared, but there were those two people who have been such staunch supporters of my weight loss that wouldn't even know about it.

I spent a long time wanting to have the acceptance of my father. I could do wonderful things in my life, but if my father didn't know or wasn't proud of me, it was like none of those things mattered. I lived my life for years waiting for the day to come when he would embrace me and recall all the things I thought that he missed and surprise me that he knew every single thing I had done in my life. That day never came. Instead, I had to make the best decision I had ever made and that was to sever all ties with him. Now, I don't wait for his approval or best wishes. I go about my life as if he doesn't even exist on this planet. Coping with him that way has allowed me to be a happier more refined person. But, now with this new revelation of events in my life, I feel that sense of loss and sadness I felt as a child. When something cool happens and I want to share it with someone, the people who I do share it with doesn't seem as important because the two people who I also want to know it aren't there to talk to. So, I don't allow myself to be happy, content or at peace because I have this unresolved issue lingering around me.

I have no idea how to fix it. People who know what is going on have told me to give it time. But what kinds of increments of time are we talking about? Days? Weeks? Months? I'm not very good at giving things time. I need to address things head on and hammer them out and move forward. I don't hold grudges and I don't stay mad. I am forgiving and forthcoming. I will admit my faults and say, "You're right" if you are. And most of the time, other people are right.

I am not sure where to go from here but my constant worry and hurt will only get me so far and my desire to change how I feel is hampered by my need for closure. And, closure hasn't come yet. So, instead I will run. And keep running. And run fast and harder each time I go out there to do it because once I accomplish that small goal I forget everything that is going around me for that moment and bask in the fact that at least I had done one thing that was for me. Even if no one else in the world noticed.

With the Wind at My Face

Today was my first night running outside since my 5k in May. Running outside as opposed to running on the treadmill is a whole different world to me. I can hear myself breathing a lot louder running outside then I do when I am on a treadmill. I am also able to keep track of my time better. I know Garmin makes nifty watches to calculate times and whatnot but I don't think I've achieved that level of running status where I need to drop $200 on those of those bad boys.

Yellow Marble came with me on my 3.07 adventure today and was official "pace car" and coach. She told me how far I needed to run and when I was allowed to stop and take breaks. If she reached the end point before me, she'd hop off her bike and yell cheers that she made up for me. It was great having her along.

I felt strong today going into this run and I was psyched that the weather was cool enough to go outside. But, I didn't carry a water bottle with me so I was dying of thirst around the two mile mark.

All in all, I didn't have a fantastic time. Blame it on the wind blowing in my face, the slight hill I walked up on a bridge to cross over a canal or just my inability to adjust to running outside quickly enough, but I did it and doing it is all that matters at this point.

Hopefully, by the October 1st weight in I will have some progress to report!

Thing #23 I am OCD About.....

There are many things that I am obsessive compulsive about. Cleanliness is one of them. But, it's my own mindset of clean. What is clean to me might not be clean to you. You could walk into my house today and see a nice, healthy layer of dust hanging out on my tv console and that's totally fine with me and it can stay there until Saturday but I'll be god damned if there are dirty dishes in my sink or shit all over the floors. I'm obsessive about clean bathrooms. It took me a long time to allow Blue Marble to use the main guest bathroom as "her" bathroom, but since she exhibits the same traits I do with my OCD, I figured I'd allow her to have her own space if she kept it clean. She is more particular about her bathroom than I am about mine! I love it.

One thing that I am very OCD about it food preparation. Especially when we have potlucks at work and people prepare food at home and bring it in to share. I don't participate in potlucks. I don't eat food people prepare at home and then transport in a vehicle and then serve to me in a buffet style in a room I refer to as a Petri Dish. How am I supposed to know if they washed their hands before handling the food? Or what if they let their kid lick the spoon for the brownies and then use the same spoon to smooth the batter into the pan? These are important things to think about PEOPLE!!!

So, most of the people I work with know that I don't dabble in the potluck festivities around here but some try to entice me with bringing in all sorts of store bought yummies which then makes my excuse, "I don't eat homemade food because I have OCD." go right out the window. Good thing my coworkers also know I am an avid runner and care about my body so much that I allow it to be full of all kinds of nutritional goodness all days except Saturdays. And, since today is potluck day and not Saturday, I am completely off the hook!

On Your Mark, Get Set, GO!

As the weather here cools down more and more races are being added and unfortunately for me the ones I want to run all fall on days I work. Except, The Turkey Trot! I have to take what I can get and this race is bright and early on Thanksgiving Day.

I am trying to convince TGIM and the Marbles how awesome it will be to run on Thanksgiving Day but no one seems as psyched as I am so I might be running this one alone.

I know what the problem is but I am not sure how to go about adjusting things so I can get my head back in the game.

Totally half-assed it at the gym today again. so much for goal setting.

Bitchin' and Whinin'

Wow! It's already September. My goal was to start training for the October 5k that I wanted to run mid-October, however I was informed the other day that the date was changed and it now falls on a day I work. The two other runs I wanted to do also fall on days that I work. Trying to get days off at my job is awful because of all the people who have seniority over me and the fact that around the holidays it's impossible to get the time off you need. So, I have taken to bitching and complaining about my plight to anyone who will listen.

Also, in the last few weeks I have had some personal issues that I am working on trying to resolve. There isn't anyone else involved in trying to work out these personal issues because I suppose for some the best way to resolve a problem is to say goodbye. So, in dealing with that realization I would have liked to have dove head first into my running, but instead I found myself in a slump and have resorted to some half-ass cross training each time I make my presence at the gym.

After some soul searching and some deep thought about my personal situation, I have concluded that I am refusing to give anymore of my time to it. My mind will not spend another second thinking about all the things I could say and I will not allow myself to be made to feel anything other than content for how this has all played out. That being said, I will turn what anger and frustration I have into energy to burn at the gym. I will stay strong and be strong, and in that strength I will lose weight and be healthy. It's no secret that when you look better physically, you feel better mentally.

Right now the next run I have lined up is Warrior Dash on Decemeber 3rd with TGIM. I am so excited for this race. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to get the time off to run the MidPoint Madness 5k in November but the outlook isn't too good.

Tomorrow's goal...a 4 miler.

Birthday Delight!

I spent my birthday determined to have my cheat day be that day. I was going to eat everything I could that was sinful and off limits.... only it didn't quite turn out that way because our trip to The Melting Pot where this was all set to take place wasn't all that I thought it was going to be.

Have you been to The Melting Pot? If not, save your money. It's a little bit of food for a lot of bit of money. I was hopeful that when I was told that they give you all kinds of good treats to dip into chocolate it meant that they give you more than a thumbnail size of brownie or a tinie-tiny wedge of cheese cake. I was expecting a huge spread of brownies, rice krispie treats, fruit, marshmallows. But instead it was just this little plate. I pushed the plate toward the Marble's and let them have their way with it. They were in heaven. They loved every minute of it and regardless of how much of the goodies I got to eat, seeing their faces glow as they dipped and devoured made for an awesome birthday!

And that means Saturday is cheat day!!!! Hooray!!

4 Miles in 44 minutes and 51 seconds

I'm beginning to think that if I can run four miles in less than 45 minutes that I should be able to do a 10k in less than an hour. It's just a mental thing that I need to get my head in to focus on staying on a treadmill that long and running in place. I am looking forward to the weather cooling off so I can run outside and determine which I prefer better.

Today's goal of 4 miles in 44 minutes and 51 seconds made me ecstatic. I almost wanted to high-five the guy on the treadmill next to me when I finished it. But, he was walking on a serious incline and I didn't want to hit his hand and have him fall backwards.

TGIM has been accompanying me to the gym and we have a little joke when we walk out all sweaty that we look like we ate watermelons and all the juice dripped down the front of us. TGIM can pull this off because he is always covered in sweat from his neckline of the shirt right down to near his belly button. As for myself, however, the sweat starts right under my boobs and goes down to my belly button. So, it looks more like my boobs were chomping on a watermelon.

I hope I can keep up this pace and train hard. I look forward to what my next workout will bring me!

Arc Trainer Review

I said yesterday I was going to push myself hard today but once I got to the gym and found my favorite treadmill my legs just didn't want to carry me the three miles that my head wanted to go. So, I ran a good, strong mile. Then I hopped on the stairmaster and walked up many flights of stairs for ten minutes, then I made my way over to the Arc Trainer where I did another ten minutes. When I was done with that, my wrists were sweating, I was sweating underneath my boobs and I felt my stomach rumbling which is always a clear indication that it's time to get the heck out of the gym.

The Arc Trainer is a new machine that I decided to try after a conversation with Raphie about it. It's kind of like an elliptical but I found that I used more of my thigh muscles on this machine. I have a strong lower body so I was able to go relatively fast even when the resistance was at it highest. I wasn't too sure how to gauge whether I did a good job or not on this machine since it was my first time on it, but I assume since I felt a burn in my thighs that I was working the muscles and using the machine as it was intended.

What I didn't like about the Arc Trainer was the weird motion I felt my legs were going. I felt like my legs were shooting forward and that at any moment Tony Little was going to bust through the door and tell me that the Arc Trainer was just a high tech version of his Gazelle. It was a strange kind of back-and-forth, up-and-down, around-in-a-circle kind of movement that kept making me wonder if I was even doing it right. And, I am not a big fan of having my arms moving back and forth as fast as my legs move and on this machine I felt like I needed to hold on so I couldn't let go of the handles. This wasn't my favorite type of way to work out and I most likely will shy away from this machine in other circuit training that I do, but it was fun to give it a shot.

Finally, if anyone is keeping track, I am still feeling much the same way I have felt in the last few days where I feel like I am walking around in a haze. I am spending way too much time being sad at the fact that I don't have Autumn and Raphie here in Florida on a daily basis. And, Wednesday is my birthday and I don't even really care. Hoping for a good day tomorrow where I feel strong and determined and have a good time on my run.

Another Friend Post

I run my best when I am annoyed and frustrated. I push myself harder when I feel like I have something that is weighing on my mind. I feel better after I run knowing that I accomplished the task and knowing that I did what I set out to do.

These last couple months have brought about many days of annoyance and frustration. Days when I questioned my abilities to be who I am, do what I am doing and not feel guilt or regret for choices I have made. There have been days when I turn to friends or TGIM for support and encouragement and days when those people have turned to me.

Living away from my supportive counterparts and only having TGIM here to lean on can become tiresome and I am sure it leaves him reeling sometimes. I yearn for the company of my girl friends who call and say, "Hey let's do lunch!" and on a whim we are chatting it up over vegetarian cuisine. Those days have long since passed and instead I find that I have dove into this running thing head first to take my mind off the fact that I feel just as alone and friendless here in Florida as the day I crossed over the state line to make this my home.

The difference is today I can walk into a public place and perhaps see a familiar face. I can smile and say hi and then that meeting is complete. The people I do have down here that I call my "friends" are incredible, wonderful people. But, if my Brooks Adrenlines would carry me, I'd run my ass back to Michigan in heartbeat and into the warm embrace of those stellar companions I left behind and so desperately miss.

Today's plan is to push myself again to try to get under 11 minutes running....Fingers crossed I will get there.

Birthday week

This week is going to be tough.....Trying to keep my head in the game.

Phew. I'm Back.

I've been out running this whole time. I ran all the way up to Michigan and visited with my girl friends because I have been in dire need of some female chit chat and friendly human contact and then hoofed it back to Florida just in time to write this post. You believe me, right?

Well, just believe the part that I am in dire need of my girl friends right now.

In 1992, I received a letter in the mail from a girl named Autumn. She was a fan of The Cure who had such a sharp sense of humor I knew that we had to be friends. This was back when pen paling was the best way to communicate with people.... you actually had to sit down and write a letter, put a stamp on it and mail it. Then I had to wait for Autumn to write me back. None of this emailing back and forth all day, every day kinda thing that we do now. My Marbles would be horrified to know that I actually had to wait days to get a response from Autumn.


But, here we are almost 20 years later and have built a friendship that has been unfazed by a five year separation because of my move to Florida. We have remained the closest of close friends and it's that type of friendship I miss so much when I am reeling from some event here in Florida.

A few years after I met Autumn, my friend Raphie came into the picture. She, too, has been someone whose presence I miss on days when I need a laugh or some really good inyourface advice.

I talk to these two women everysingleday. Whether via email, text or facebook, we all know what the other has going on and many days I wish I could just run up to Michigan, have a quick lunch with them at Noodles & Co and then head home.

Living down in Florida has changed my life completely. Everything about my life is happier, healthier, consistent, normal...except my friends. You never realize how much you miss someone on a day-to-day basis until they're not there. Having that face-to-face contact with someone who knows your entire history is so refreshing. Being around Autumn and Raphie, I am exactly who I am. I feel like they actually help complete me as a person. They make me laugh harder than anyone I have ever met. The three of us have so many stories that we could spend weeks rehashing all the things we have gone through together.

Autumn has been on vacation for a week now in an area that doesn't get good reception and I haven't talked to her every day like I normally do. Those brief conversations we have had this week have been like a whirlwind of words coming like lightning out of our mouths. I don't even know if either of us really hear what the other is saying because the chatter has been so quick. I think she might have said she is having a good time and Evan ate sand. But, the last part could have been "there is a van stuck in sand" or "Is there a Taco Bell near Elkland?" But, regardless she needs to get her ass home because not talking to her on a regular basis has been bullshit. And, Raphie better not ever consider going on vacation the same time Autumn does EVER!

The point of this post? I've had some major issues going on recently that I could really use the humor and compassion of my two girl friends. I need to say something in all seriousness and get a witty response that makes what I just said totally meaningless. And then I need to be able to look at their faces as we all laugh about it together. Then at the end of our discussion, I need hugs. Good hugs! Two-arms wrapping around each other, squeezing tightly and hanging on for a little longer than necessary because we can....and if we cry a little bit during those hugs that's ok too. I need to be able to talk to them and not have to preface anything I say with a back story because they already know the back story. They lived it with me. They saw it...clear as day... sometimes in 3-D like with a shoe flying at their head!!!

I am hoping next week when my routine gets back to normal and Autumn is home that things will feel better. My inbox will be full of emails between Autumn and Raphie that I have been cc'd on but never answered because they had the conversations early in the mornings while they're at work and I'm sleeping. Then I'll get the on-the-way-home-from-work phone call from Autumn when I'm on my way TO work to ask me if I saw the emails she sent and then give me shit for not responding. It's the little things, People. The little things I miss so much.

Anxiety and Running

Yesterday in the midst of my full on anxiety attack, I decided that I was going to dust the tops of the ceiling fans in rooms where the ceiling is roughly 20ft high. I had to go into the garage and get down a big ladder that TGIM had hooked up on the wall. In order for me to get to the ladder I had to climb over boxes, bikes and a garage bag but once I was at the ladder I figured it couldn't be too hard to get it down since I just navigated my way through an obstacle course to get to it.

Well, in order to get it off the hook you have to lift it up, then out then bring it down. The ladder is a six foot, aluminum ladder. If you've ever had to carry a ladder you know they are quite cumbersome and awkward to carry. Getting them down off a hook isn't a piece of cake either. In the process of me doing this, I did something to my back. I am not exactly sure what I did, but it was something and it hurts. The pain is in my lower back and when I bend over or squat my back spasms and pain radiates down the back of my legs. But, I continued with all my domestic work yesterday and today the pain still lingers.

Along with the pain is the anxiety. My salvation when it comes to anxiety is cleaning, but the other is exercise. I feel better once I've exercised so I went to the gym for a run against my better judgement and I didn't feel so bad. I even got TGIM to go with me! The back pain is being treated with my cocktail of meds and I'm hoping it goes away soon. I can't afford to take time off from the gym!

Grandma

It's my grandma's birthday today. I remember the days leading up to her death and having my cell phone glued to my hand. My sister would call or text and each time I heard my phone make a noise I expected the news. My grandma held on for several days longer than anyone expected and it's a testament to her strength.

The day she died I went to the gym and ran. I focused hard on my run and got a PR for that day. My grandma would have been proud of me for losing weight as she struggled with her weight most of her adult life. I remember going to Weight Watcher meetings with her when I was just a young girl.

Today, my sister called me and was extremely emotional. Where I had a very strong bond with my Grandpa, Bethanie was closest to my Grandma. Bethanie was with her the moment she died and has been struggling with all the feelings that go along with losing a loved one and the loss one goes through in the aftermath. My Grandma was so wise in her words yet never really had a voice. It was those rare instances when my Grandma did get a word in that she was eloquent when she spoke and gave some of the best advice any person has ever given me.

In her final days, my Grandma gave my sister a lot of really good advice. Even as she was dying she nurtured my sister in ways my sister had never been nurtured by her before. And now, on her birthday my sister is grappling with what to do with my Grandma's wedding ring that my Grandma wanted her to have and if my father will do the right thing and part with some of her ashes so Bethanie can have a token of my Grandma's memory with her all the time.

For me, it's not about the things that I have that were my grandparents, it's about the memories I have of years spent with them and how every day I try to make my Grandma and Grandpa proud of who I am and what I am doing in my life.

Running and being healthy is just one of the things that I know they would be happy I'm doing.

Fueling Your Body

Do you ever eat something and after you've eaten it feel sick? Or maybe you have just eaten too much and you feel stuffed? Well, in a moment of weakness last night I ate cookies. If it was a Saturday and my Cheat Day the cookies wouldn't have been an issue, but since it was neither I instantly had those feelings of guilt that I talked about here and it affected how I ran today.

Since I have been on my diet I have come to realize just how bad some foods are and that food really is fuel for your body. The day after my Cheat Days I feel sick. My body reacts to the bad food I was eating by making me lethargic or I end up with stomach issues. It makes me realize how important it is to put the right things in my body if I am going to have any chance at being successful in my run or my weight loss.


Try to keep in mind when you're about to eat something, exactly what kinds of things are in it and try to determine if it's good fuel for your body. You'd be surprised at how unhealthy a lot of things really are for you.

Reflection

Today I cleaned my closet.

If there is one thing you should know about me it's that when my anxiety is triggered my only salvation is cleaning. Usually cleaning the kitchen satisfies my anxiety enough that I can relax a little, but today I have a house full of kids and a clean kitchen just didn't do the trick. So, I tackled my closet.

As I was sitting on the floor organizing all my cute heels that I rarely wear, I looked up at my pants that hang on hangers lining the back wall of my closet. I have about 20 pairs of pants on hangers. Three of which I wear with any frequency and a pair of jeans that I got at Delia's for $9.99 that I love. The rest are there taking up space.

I stood up and started from the back corner and went across the row of pants looking at the sizes. 22, 18, 16, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10. A huge range of sizes. The size 22 pants are a pair of dress pants I wore when I was my heaviest. I got rid of all my plus size clothing except for those pants because when I lost 100lbs I wanted to hold those up to me on the cover of People Magazine when they do their annual weight loss article. The other sizes are just in there all mixed up between dress pants and jeans. There's a pair of Dickies that were my favorite jeans when I was around a size 14/16 that I held on to for some reason. You'd think since I was cleaning my closet I would have gotten rid of all the clothes that are too big for me. But, something was holding me back. In all the years that I have been losing weight, I haven't had any significant weight gains so why didn't I throw away the clothes that are too big on me?

Perhaps it's a security thing. Perhaps it's the fact that when I look in the mirror, though that 253lb girl isn't standing there before me anymore, I still see her. I see every imperfection, roll of fat, stretch mark, blister, chaffing, sore, cellulite and it is like a beacon telling me I need to run harder and keep losing weight. I hope one day all those things I see as imperfections will one day be considered battle scars for where I was and how far I've come.

The Power of Gluttony

Cheat Day this Saturday was amazing. Reese's Pieces for breakfast, tons of bread from our favorite local Italian restaurant, pizza, ice cream. It's amazing that I notice a change in the way my clothes fit. (Notice I didn't say I noticed a difference on the scale because the scale is my nemesis and often times I want to kick it and toss it into the canal.)

Since Cheat Day has ended I am back to eating healthy and have gone back to logging my eating at Livestrong.com. If you would like the username and password to see what I am eating, just send me a message and I will send it to you.

I haven't ran in a few days either. I am giving my body a chance to recover from my over indulgence on Saturday. I will be back at the gym tomorrow because it's just a few months before I run the Cops and Joggers 5k and then (DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!!!!) TGIM and I have signed up for Warrior Dash!!!! My friend Raphie told me about this event and I was oozing with excitement when I saw what it entails. Then, I showed TGIM and he told me I wouldn't be able to do it because I'd get all dirty and I hate being dirty. Him saying that made me want to do it even more, so I went and signed us up! I am hoping our friends The Blue's sign up as well because it's always fun to run a race where you get all dirty and muddy then get beer at the end with some great friends.

So, the running shoes go back on tomorrow and I will be running my four miler. I think after the month of July I am going to bump it up to five miles.

If you recall I posted about the curses of flabby skin here a few days ago??

Well here is an example of some of the irritation I get from the excess skin:You can't really tell by the picture but it kinda burns and stuff.... Not fun!

Confessions

Oh you love a good confession, don't you? I see you leaning forward closer to your computer so you can make sure you catch every word.

Well, it's really nothing that fantastic. But it's fantastic enough that I thought I'd share....

I work nights. As in overnight shift. As in graveyard shift. As in when you're getting up to go to your job, I'm leaving my work to go home and go to bed. Your lunch hour is my REM sleep. So that means my eating schedule, sleeping schedule, family schedule, normal life schedule is all messed up. I've been working nights for many years now so it's really become my normal but what never seems to adjust to normal is by body. I eat dinner at 10 at night. Most nights when I am off work, I try to eat later than everyone else. Trying to maintain an overnight shift life on your days off is hard but I have tried to adapt. However, before I started changing my eating habits I used to frequent late night drive-thru's on my break which is a 45 minute break I take at 2:30 in the morning. You'd be surprised how late different restaurants stay open. Taco Bell, McDonalds, Wendy's...all OPEN LATE.

I had a thought today as I left work on my break that I have since broken the habit of driving to one of these places to satisfying a carb craving in the wee hours of the morning. But, I also miss the taste. I miss Diet Coke. I can't tell you how bad I miss Diet Coke. But, I haven't had one since March 16th, 2011. I really miss Diet Coke from McDonalds. And I miss french fries. And my confession is that every night I worked, I'd eat fries and drink Diet Coke alone in my car and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt after it. Like the type of guilt you might feel leaving your child at daycare, I felt about eating shitty food late at night.

Since having changed that about my break and modifying other things in my diet, I have found that I am getting results. The Cheat Day is my salvation. I probably wouldn't have managed this long without allowing myself the one day a week that I do.

So there it is. I have confessed to being a fast food junkie ......

Gym Etiquette

If I am on a machine and dripping with sweat please do not crane your neck into my space to see how much time I have left on that particular machine. I'll be done when I am done. By you doing that I purposely take breaks I don't need just to piss you off. I stop the machine for a breather to trick you into thinking I am done with my workout. Next time you do that, I'm going to leave the handlebars all wet with my sweat and fart as I walk away.

Thankyouverymuch.

When to Officially Call Yourself A Runner?

Well, I did another four miles today. I felt strong in the first mile. I actually ran the entire mile. Usually I poop out around .75 miles and I end up needing a breather for about 30 seconds but today I ran the whole mile.

Then I ran three more. Then my girl friend came over and we started talking about feet and since I am not a big fan of feet and the most I do with my feet is paint my toenails, I noticed these bad boys on the bottoms of my feet.Two blisters festering on my heels. Does this mean I am officially a runner now because I got my first set of blisters?

Hair pieces and Health

I have resided to the fact that it is impossible to look cute at the gym. I don't even bother trying to do anything with myself before I go because I'm an overweight, middle aged, sweaty girl breathing heavy on a treadmill. No one is really paying attention to me anyway. But, some people at the gym obviously think differently.

One day before my workout I stopped into the bathroom/locker room. I'll have you know that this particular place is one that I don't normally venture into because the thought of seeing naked women who parade around an open area just isn't my forte. I usually never have to go to the bathroom while I'm at the gym but this one day I couldn't hold it. As I walk in I see a woman standing before a large full length mirror in a sports bra and biker shorts. She was about 67 years old, very tan to the point she looked like a raisin and had bright white blonde hair tousled up in a loose ponytail atop her head. She looked like a regular at the gym and I sensed she knew her way around the locker room much better than I did. I didn't want to stare at her for any length of time but it was hard not to when I noticed what she was doing in front of the mirror. In her hand she held a brush and in the other hand she held a hairpiece that she was brushing out.

I paused for a moment to look at her and saw that though her hair was half a hot mess on top her head and the rest was being held in her hand, her make-up was done up like she was going to a formal event. Except, not a nice type of make-up where you'd look at her and think she looked nice, it was the kind of make-up that looked like she opened her make-up bag and dumped the contents on her face. I assumed she must be post-workout.

Once I did my business, I exited the bathroom to find the woman attempting to attach the hair piece to her head. I almost wanted to offer my assistance because it appeared as though the thing did not want to go on her head. But, then I was afraid it was some kind of animal and decided I didn't want to get injured before my run by some wild hair piece so I went on my way.

About 20 minutes into my workout, the woman appeared on the gym floor. She was all dolled up with her wig on, make up splattered all over her face, sports bra hoisting her fake boobs up to her chin and her tight biker shorts hugged her skinny legs. I was sure she'd hop on a treadmill and start hauling ass. But, instead, she got on the treadmill, set it to about two miles an hour and walked on it as if she was strutting down the catwalk in Milan.

Now that I've noticed this woman, I see her all the time at the gym and she looks the same way every time. I often wonder if someone should give her a heads up that we are at a gym and not a fashion show.....but then I'd be afraid her hairpiece might attack someone!

My Heart Belongs to Cheat Day

I've been on this diet about four months now. A diet that started out pretty rigid and took some getting used to but has slowly become a way of life for me and not really a diet. When asked, "What kind of diet are you on?" I just want to start jawing away at this new way I've found to eat. But really people only want a one or two word answer: Weight Watchers, Adkins, South Beach, Nutrisystem, low carb, low calorie, low fat. My "diet" isn't that simple. And it's amazing to me that my body is working the way that it does with the foods I put into it.

Without boring the crap out of you by sounding preachy or on a soapbox i will just say that I eat high (VERY HIGH) protein and low metabolic carbs. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, depends on what you know about carbs. Not all carbs are bad. Not all bad carbs are super bad. Eating all bads carbs all the time, not exercising and having Snickers bars smeared on your face is going to keep you overweight. But, if you eat carbs that are good for you and metabolize slowly in your system then it takes longer for them to work through your body. The high protein is what keeps me feeling full. I used to be a big high fiber person because it's been said that eating high fiber keeps you full. But the ramifications that come with eating high fiber include my stomach bloating out like an alien and stinky farts. No one wants to be around that shit.

So... now my husband just came in the room and I totally lost my train of thought. He is bound to turn on the TV and then I will get sucked into Hoarders and never get to the point. If I even had one.

Bottom line: Saturday's are my cheat days because all the crap I eat throws off the metabolism in my body and my body is like, "What the heck are you doing here? We have been so happy with what you have been putting into me and now you go and eat Ben and Jerry's Heath bar ice cream????" And I laugh and stuff fistfulls of sinful goodness into my mouth for a 24 hour period and then it's back on track the next day.

She's Going the Distance....

Melinda Mae by Shel Silverstein

Have you heard of tiny Melinda Mae,
Who ate a monstrous whale?
She thought she could,
She said she would,
So she started in right at the tail.
And everyone said,"You're much too small,"
But that didn't bother Melinda at all,
She took little bites and she chewed very slow,
Just like a good girl should...
...and in eighty-nine years she ate that whale
Because she said she would!

There is something to say about Melinda Mae eating the monstrous whale. She set out to do something and even though it took her a reeeeeeeeeeally long time she did it because she said she would. This poem to me is two-fold. One, it talks about literally doing something you said you were going to do and doing it. And keeping your word. Second, goal setting no matter how long it takes.

I am big advocate of keeping your word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. I'm reliable like that. And I had said I was going to run four miles and I did. Now, don't get me wrong it sucked the entire time I was doing it. Again, another complete and total mind fuck where my brain was trying to convince my body that I wasn't able to keep going. I ended up focusing on this silver knob on one of the weight machines to concentrate to get my head in the game. This isn't the best idea when there is someone on the machine and you're running with this intense look on your face, staring in their direction, face red as a beet and breathing heavy. I hope the old guy knew I was really determined to run the four miles and not oddly checking him out.

Four miles is the longest distance I have ran so far and I am working my way up to a 10k. For those of you who don't know how far a 10k is it's like a million miles. Ok, maybe not that far. More like 6 1/2 miles. For someone who at the beginning of the year didn't even know how to run, I've come a long way. I appreciate all the supportive people I have and the great networks of friends that encourage me and inspire me.

I'm going to keep trying to run four miles for a few weeks and try to get a decent time, where then I will work up to five miles... then six.. then six and a half.... and maybe by the time I get to the 10k, it will be time to run the Cops and Joggers 5k in October and I will be the leader of the pack. Ok, let's be realistic here.....I might not be the leader, but I won't be at the very end either! The one in the middle is the green kangaroo. I'm cool with being a green kangaroo.

Won't Be Running Today

I try to run at least five days a week. The days I don't run I still attempt to maintain a healthy diet. It gets hard to run on the days when I work back-to-back but an effort is made whenever I can make the effort.

I'm really going to try to make my next goal to be able to run 4 miles. I know I can do it. I've run a little over three miles so many times by doing the 5k and I am going to work my way up to a 10k. I struggled for months trying to determine whether I should try to go faster or longer distance. I would ask people their opinion and I got varying answers. So, I would try to just push myself harder which inevitably meant I ran faster. But, now I am thinking I am going to slow it down a bit and attempt to just run a consistent pace, thus allowing myself the endurance to run farther not so much as faster.

I figured it is time in my workout regime to also bump up how long I work out. I attempted to work out for an hour a few weeks ago but after I'd run a 5k the last thing I felt like doing was hopping on another machine and working out for another 20-25 minutes. I would end up just grabbing my stuff and heading out the door of the gym. I got to thinking that a good way to get me to stay longer is to run farther. So, next time at the gym my goal is four miles in an undetermined amount of minutes but I am thinking I can probably do it in about 45 minutes. But we will see..... Wish me luck.

The Trials and Tribulations of Flabby Skin

Before I dive into this post, I want to praise my dearest friend Raphie for the completion of her first 5k. I am so proud of her and her motivation to get out there and pound the pavement. I know what it feels like to cross the finish line for the first time, and I only wish I would have been there to grab her up in my arms and give her the biggest squeeze a proud friend could give her. Determination and motivation lead to inspiration and action. Keep running, Raph.

I'm creeping up on this 100 lbs weight loss, I think. The scale has a mind of its own but assuming I'm like 13lbs away, there is 87lbs worth of stretched out skin and flab that is wondering where all its filler went. Because of the way my body has morphed, I wear Spanx every.single.day. People often say to me that they can't believe that I wear them all day, every day for well over 12 hours at a time some days and I wonder why they find this so remarkable. The main reason I wear them is because if I don't any shirt I wear makes an indentation where my belly button is and you can see that my belly button is roughly four inches long in an skinny oval shape with skin hanging over it so you really can't see the "button" just the "belly". The Spanx smooth out the tummy area eliminating the dreaded oblong belly button indent and the muffin top. My self consciousness is crazy when it comes to those two things. I don't want to look at it and I am sure no one else wants to look at it either.

Another reason I wear Spanx is because when I run the skin dances all over me. It wiggles to the left and right. Up and down. Up, right, down, left, circles, zig zag....all about. Spanx bind me in and I don't feel that movement. They're a necessity for running. However, when all the skin is all bunched up and squeezed into a set of super control top nylons, the skin gets unhappy. Imagine taking a partially filled water balloon and trying to stuff it into a baby's tube sock. It's not an easy task and though it might fit, it's going to meet with some resistance. Well, when my skin resists the Spanx I get little sores, chaffing, Spanx burns on my hips, under my stomach flab and around my back. These unsightly, often painful, abrasions are reminders to me that one day I will have all this excessive skin removed via a tummy tuck.

I have stopped really talking about having the surgery because I know it's not going to happen this year. Probably not next year either. I will most likely hit my 100lbs weight loss goal and not see a surgeon for the skin issue for years after my milestone. But, the reason I want it done is always marked on my body. I see it in the morning before I go to sleep for the night. I see it before I get into the shower. I dab the blood off it when I strip down out of my Spanx after a rigorous run. And I think about these blemishes going away one day and maybe I will have a body I will be happy to show off without stuffing it into a nude colored binding apparatus day after day.

Where I Was, Where I Am Now.

This blog was set up to chronicle my journey in this never ending battle with weight loss but sometimes other things creep up in our lives that affect our motivation, determination or self esteem.

I spent the majority of my mid twenties up until now overweight. During my mid to late twenties I was a very angry person. I felt terrible about myself, the way I looked and the surroundings I found myself in. I was a stay-at-home mom scrambling to raise three little kids while my marriage and financial stability was crumbling away. I was angry at everyone. I was angry at people who didn't deserve my anger to be directed at them. I spent more time being pissed off at everyone and everything that I lost focus of the person I was and who I wanted my children to be.

Self esteem wasn't in my vocabulary. And when you feel like shit, you act like shit, you treat people like shit and your whole world turns to shit. I hated who I was and what was going on around me. The time I wasted being angry at people and bullying others had my entire family divided.

Then I took hold of things and decided to make changes. With those changes came a new found respect for myself and those around me. When I became happier, my husband became happier. When I became happier, my children were happier. When I became happier, good things started to happen.

I think a part of my happiness came in my weight loss. And since I have really been putting my heart and soul into running, I notice I use it as an outlet for my anger. I run when I'm frustrated with something. I run when I am stressed out. I run when I feel sad. The day my Grandma died I had one of my best runs. It is therapeutic for me. After running I feel so much better and because I use it as an outlet for all my emotions I found that things bother me less. My husband and I communicate more effectively. I care more about things and people around me.

I know there are some people in my life that are going through hard times. They are at their wits end with things and find solace in talking to me about their issues. I listen, attempt to mentor and offer advice if I can. But one thing I'd like to say to those people is when you're feeling stressed out, when that one phone call makes you want to rip your hair out, when all you feel like you want to do is direct your anger at some innocent person because the person you're really mad at isn't there to vent to put on your tennis shoes and run. Run hard. Hit the pavement with all your might. Run fast. Eventually things will turn around and not only will you notice changes in your life you will notice them in your body too!

If you don't believe me, watch this video.

Your Best Friend Can Sometimes Be A Treadmill

There is only one treadmill at the gym that likes me. It's off to the side, in the second row, well out of sight from anyone who I might know that could enter through the gym doors and see the sweat dropping off my arms and face. This treadmill likes me because when I set the speed, it actually goes that speed. Some of the treadmills go faster than the speed I want, while others are slow and loud. But, this particular treadmill and I have a special connection. It's always open. It was the one I ran on the day my grandma died. It was the one I was running on when I face planted. And, it was the one I was on when I ran my personal best 5k at 34:32 minutes.

There are a few reasons why this milestone means so much to me. For one, I had set a goal a few months back when I ran the Cape Cops 5k to do it in 37 minutes. That was in May. After that run I had an epiphany; I realized that a friend of mine who didn't train at all had run the same distance three minutes slower than me. Here I was training my ass off to reach this goal, and really it wasn't that fantastic. So, I set my goals higher. Because, at this point I need goals. You need goals too. You can't just jump on a machine without having something in your head that you want to reach whether it's to do 30 minutes, go a certain distance or just make sure you look cute while you're trotting along on the treadmill. I've given up on the latter. So, my goal now is to run a 5k in roughly around a 33 minute mark. I know I can do this because I have several months to continue training for the one in October, it's just keep up the motivation to get to the gym and workout.

So far that stupid number on the scale hasn't moved. Not even one little black line over closer to the left. I just lingers there, taunting me, waving its stupid red arm over that same numeric until I get frustrated, kick the scale and shove it back in the towel closet. I wish I could vow never to get it out again, but I can't make that promise. I'm neurotic about the number.

Now it's picture time. I sent a few pictures to my friend who asked for an ass shot. Only a select few would get such a picture and I'm not confident enough about my ass to post a snapshot of it to this blog. I don't know who is reading it. Probably no one. But, to give you an idea of where I was a few months ago and what a little sweat, determination and goal setting can get me here is a comparison:

Ok, here's me and TGIM about a year ago when I wasn't as dedicated to my running as I should have been. I'm wearing a size ten pants but as you can see, they're begging for some room around my thigh area. Cute shoes, though, right?
So, here's me a few days ago. Pink Marble took 360 degree shots of me, but this one shows the thigh and I just want it noticed that it does look smaller, right? RIGHT????

I'm looking forward to the day when I can post my 100 lbs weight loss picture on this blog and then everyone can applaud my accomplishment and send me gifts, perhaps pay for my tummy tuck and put me on the cover of People Magazine.