I have felt like a pathetic mess lately. Everyone is noticing. I can't seem to talk about what is going on in my life without my eyes filling with tears and repeatedly saying, "It's just so sad." I feel like the drama has swallowed me up and then hurled me into a toilet along with five tons of other shit that came out with it. If that even made any sense? In essence, I feel like a weight is pressing down on my chest and I have no power to lift it off.
Running became my salvation many months ago as an outlet for my emotions. I ran through the sadness of losing my last remaining grandparent. I ran when my friend in Michigan was needing me and I wasn't there. I ran when the Marble's stressed me out. I ran when people came to visit and my house wasn't to par. I ran when my anxiety got the best of me. But, now I have this issue and not even running has seemed to quell the fire inside me.
I ran outside last night for the first time since my 5k in May. I did this for various reasons but mostly because I wanted to feel something other than the stuffiness of the gym. It felt good having the breeze hit me in the face and I was able to take my Yellow Marble along with me. It was nice looking around at the pretty yards that set like little oases among vacant lots. I have become fascinated by front entry doors and oogle at any chance I get when I see one that looks appealing to me. But, once I was done with my run the funk was still there because I knew that I could share my triumph with people who cared, but there were those two people who have been such staunch supporters of my weight loss that wouldn't even know about it.
I spent a long time wanting to have the acceptance of my father. I could do wonderful things in my life, but if my father didn't know or wasn't proud of me, it was like none of those things mattered. I lived my life for years waiting for the day to come when he would embrace me and recall all the things I thought that he missed and surprise me that he knew every single thing I had done in my life. That day never came. Instead, I had to make the best decision I had ever made and that was to sever all ties with him. Now, I don't wait for his approval or best wishes. I go about my life as if he doesn't even exist on this planet. Coping with him that way has allowed me to be a happier more refined person. But, now with this new revelation of events in my life, I feel that sense of loss and sadness I felt as a child. When something cool happens and I want to share it with someone, the people who I do share it with doesn't seem as important because the two people who I also want to know it aren't there to talk to. So, I don't allow myself to be happy, content or at peace because I have this unresolved issue lingering around me.
I have no idea how to fix it. People who know what is going on have told me to give it time. But what kinds of increments of time are we talking about? Days? Weeks? Months? I'm not very good at giving things time. I need to address things head on and hammer them out and move forward. I don't hold grudges and I don't stay mad. I am forgiving and forthcoming. I will admit my faults and say, "You're right" if you are. And most of the time, other people are right.
I am not sure where to go from here but my constant worry and hurt will only get me so far and my desire to change how I feel is hampered by my need for closure. And, closure hasn't come yet. So, instead I will run. And keep running. And run fast and harder each time I go out there to do it because once I accomplish that small goal I forget everything that is going around me for that moment and bask in the fact that at least I had done one thing that was for me. Even if no one else in the world noticed.
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