Reflection

Today I cleaned my closet.

If there is one thing you should know about me it's that when my anxiety is triggered my only salvation is cleaning. Usually cleaning the kitchen satisfies my anxiety enough that I can relax a little, but today I have a house full of kids and a clean kitchen just didn't do the trick. So, I tackled my closet.

As I was sitting on the floor organizing all my cute heels that I rarely wear, I looked up at my pants that hang on hangers lining the back wall of my closet. I have about 20 pairs of pants on hangers. Three of which I wear with any frequency and a pair of jeans that I got at Delia's for $9.99 that I love. The rest are there taking up space.

I stood up and started from the back corner and went across the row of pants looking at the sizes. 22, 18, 16, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10. A huge range of sizes. The size 22 pants are a pair of dress pants I wore when I was my heaviest. I got rid of all my plus size clothing except for those pants because when I lost 100lbs I wanted to hold those up to me on the cover of People Magazine when they do their annual weight loss article. The other sizes are just in there all mixed up between dress pants and jeans. There's a pair of Dickies that were my favorite jeans when I was around a size 14/16 that I held on to for some reason. You'd think since I was cleaning my closet I would have gotten rid of all the clothes that are too big for me. But, something was holding me back. In all the years that I have been losing weight, I haven't had any significant weight gains so why didn't I throw away the clothes that are too big on me?

Perhaps it's a security thing. Perhaps it's the fact that when I look in the mirror, though that 253lb girl isn't standing there before me anymore, I still see her. I see every imperfection, roll of fat, stretch mark, blister, chaffing, sore, cellulite and it is like a beacon telling me I need to run harder and keep losing weight. I hope one day all those things I see as imperfections will one day be considered battle scars for where I was and how far I've come.