Yesterday in the midst of my full on anxiety attack, I decided that I was going to dust the tops of the ceiling fans in rooms where the ceiling is roughly 20ft high. I had to go into the garage and get down a big ladder that TGIM had hooked up on the wall. In order for me to get to the ladder I had to climb over boxes, bikes and a garage bag but once I was at the ladder I figured it couldn't be too hard to get it down since I just navigated my way through an obstacle course to get to it.
Well, in order to get it off the hook you have to lift it up, then out then bring it down. The ladder is a six foot, aluminum ladder. If you've ever had to carry a ladder you know they are quite cumbersome and awkward to carry. Getting them down off a hook isn't a piece of cake either. In the process of me doing this, I did something to my back. I am not exactly sure what I did, but it was something and it hurts. The pain is in my lower back and when I bend over or squat my back spasms and pain radiates down the back of my legs. But, I continued with all my domestic work yesterday and today the pain still lingers.
Along with the pain is the anxiety. My salvation when it comes to anxiety is cleaning, but the other is exercise. I feel better once I've exercised so I went to the gym for a run against my better judgement and I didn't feel so bad. I even got TGIM to go with me! The back pain is being treated with my cocktail of meds and I'm hoping it goes away soon. I can't afford to take time off from the gym!
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Grandma
It's my grandma's birthday today. I remember the days leading up to her death and having my cell phone glued to my hand. My sister would call or text and each time I heard my phone make a noise I expected the news. My grandma held on for several days longer than anyone expected and it's a testament to her strength.
The day she died I went to the gym and ran. I focused hard on my run and got a PR for that day. My grandma would have been proud of me for losing weight as she struggled with her weight most of her adult life. I remember going to Weight Watcher meetings with her when I was just a young girl.
Today, my sister called me and was extremely emotional. Where I had a very strong bond with my Grandpa, Bethanie was closest to my Grandma. Bethanie was with her the moment she died and has been struggling with all the feelings that go along with losing a loved one and the loss one goes through in the aftermath. My Grandma was so wise in her words yet never really had a voice. It was those rare instances when my Grandma did get a word in that she was eloquent when she spoke and gave some of the best advice any person has ever given me.
In her final days, my Grandma gave my sister a lot of really good advice. Even as she was dying she nurtured my sister in ways my sister had never been nurtured by her before. And now, on her birthday my sister is grappling with what to do with my Grandma's wedding ring that my Grandma wanted her to have and if my father will do the right thing and part with some of her ashes so Bethanie can have a token of my Grandma's memory with her all the time.
For me, it's not about the things that I have that were my grandparents, it's about the memories I have of years spent with them and how every day I try to make my Grandma and Grandpa proud of who I am and what I am doing in my life.
Running and being healthy is just one of the things that I know they would be happy I'm doing.
The day she died I went to the gym and ran. I focused hard on my run and got a PR for that day. My grandma would have been proud of me for losing weight as she struggled with her weight most of her adult life. I remember going to Weight Watcher meetings with her when I was just a young girl.
Today, my sister called me and was extremely emotional. Where I had a very strong bond with my Grandpa, Bethanie was closest to my Grandma. Bethanie was with her the moment she died and has been struggling with all the feelings that go along with losing a loved one and the loss one goes through in the aftermath. My Grandma was so wise in her words yet never really had a voice. It was those rare instances when my Grandma did get a word in that she was eloquent when she spoke and gave some of the best advice any person has ever given me.
In her final days, my Grandma gave my sister a lot of really good advice. Even as she was dying she nurtured my sister in ways my sister had never been nurtured by her before. And now, on her birthday my sister is grappling with what to do with my Grandma's wedding ring that my Grandma wanted her to have and if my father will do the right thing and part with some of her ashes so Bethanie can have a token of my Grandma's memory with her all the time.
For me, it's not about the things that I have that were my grandparents, it's about the memories I have of years spent with them and how every day I try to make my Grandma and Grandpa proud of who I am and what I am doing in my life.
Running and being healthy is just one of the things that I know they would be happy I'm doing.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
Fueling Your Body
Do you ever eat something and after you've eaten it feel sick? Or maybe you have just eaten too much and you feel stuffed? Well, in a moment of weakness last night I ate cookies. If it was a Saturday and my Cheat Day the cookies wouldn't have been an issue, but since it was neither I instantly had those feelings of guilt that I talked about here and it affected how I ran today.
Since I have been on my diet I have come to realize just how bad some foods are and that food really is fuel for your body. The day after my Cheat Days I feel sick. My body reacts to the bad food I was eating by making me lethargic or I end up with stomach issues. It makes me realize how important it is to put the right things in my body if I am going to have any chance at being successful in my run or my weight loss.
Try to keep in mind when you're about to eat something, exactly what kinds of things are in it and try to determine if it's good fuel for your body. You'd be surprised at how unhealthy a lot of things really are for you.
Since I have been on my diet I have come to realize just how bad some foods are and that food really is fuel for your body. The day after my Cheat Days I feel sick. My body reacts to the bad food I was eating by making me lethargic or I end up with stomach issues. It makes me realize how important it is to put the right things in my body if I am going to have any chance at being successful in my run or my weight loss.
Try to keep in mind when you're about to eat something, exactly what kinds of things are in it and try to determine if it's good fuel for your body. You'd be surprised at how unhealthy a lot of things really are for you.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Reflection
Today I cleaned my closet.
If there is one thing you should know about me it's that when my anxiety is triggered my only salvation is cleaning. Usually cleaning the kitchen satisfies my anxiety enough that I can relax a little, but today I have a house full of kids and a clean kitchen just didn't do the trick. So, I tackled my closet.
As I was sitting on the floor organizing all my cute heels that I rarely wear, I looked up at my pants that hang on hangers lining the back wall of my closet. I have about 20 pairs of pants on hangers. Three of which I wear with any frequency and a pair of jeans that I got at Delia's for $9.99 that I love. The rest are there taking up space.
I stood up and started from the back corner and went across the row of pants looking at the sizes. 22, 18, 16, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10. A huge range of sizes. The size 22 pants are a pair of dress pants I wore when I was my heaviest. I got rid of all my plus size clothing except for those pants because when I lost 100lbs I wanted to hold those up to me on the cover of People Magazine when they do their annual weight loss article. The other sizes are just in there all mixed up between dress pants and jeans. There's a pair of Dickies that were my favorite jeans when I was around a size 14/16 that I held on to for some reason. You'd think since I was cleaning my closet I would have gotten rid of all the clothes that are too big for me. But, something was holding me back. In all the years that I have been losing weight, I haven't had any significant weight gains so why didn't I throw away the clothes that are too big on me?
Perhaps it's a security thing. Perhaps it's the fact that when I look in the mirror, though that 253lb girl isn't standing there before me anymore, I still see her. I see every imperfection, roll of fat, stretch mark, blister, chaffing, sore, cellulite and it is like a beacon telling me I need to run harder and keep losing weight. I hope one day all those things I see as imperfections will one day be considered battle scars for where I was and how far I've come.
If there is one thing you should know about me it's that when my anxiety is triggered my only salvation is cleaning. Usually cleaning the kitchen satisfies my anxiety enough that I can relax a little, but today I have a house full of kids and a clean kitchen just didn't do the trick. So, I tackled my closet.
As I was sitting on the floor organizing all my cute heels that I rarely wear, I looked up at my pants that hang on hangers lining the back wall of my closet. I have about 20 pairs of pants on hangers. Three of which I wear with any frequency and a pair of jeans that I got at Delia's for $9.99 that I love. The rest are there taking up space.
I stood up and started from the back corner and went across the row of pants looking at the sizes. 22, 18, 16, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10. A huge range of sizes. The size 22 pants are a pair of dress pants I wore when I was my heaviest. I got rid of all my plus size clothing except for those pants because when I lost 100lbs I wanted to hold those up to me on the cover of People Magazine when they do their annual weight loss article. The other sizes are just in there all mixed up between dress pants and jeans. There's a pair of Dickies that were my favorite jeans when I was around a size 14/16 that I held on to for some reason. You'd think since I was cleaning my closet I would have gotten rid of all the clothes that are too big for me. But, something was holding me back. In all the years that I have been losing weight, I haven't had any significant weight gains so why didn't I throw away the clothes that are too big on me?
Perhaps it's a security thing. Perhaps it's the fact that when I look in the mirror, though that 253lb girl isn't standing there before me anymore, I still see her. I see every imperfection, roll of fat, stretch mark, blister, chaffing, sore, cellulite and it is like a beacon telling me I need to run harder and keep losing weight. I hope one day all those things I see as imperfections will one day be considered battle scars for where I was and how far I've come.
Monday, July 18, 2011
The Power of Gluttony
Cheat Day this Saturday was amazing. Reese's Pieces for breakfast, tons of bread from our favorite local Italian restaurant, pizza, ice cream. It's amazing that I notice a change in the way my clothes fit. (Notice I didn't say I noticed a difference on the scale because the scale is my nemesis and often times I want to kick it and toss it into the canal.)
Since Cheat Day has ended I am back to eating healthy and have gone back to logging my eating at Livestrong.com. If you would like the username and password to see what I am eating, just send me a message and I will send it to you.
I haven't ran in a few days either. I am giving my body a chance to recover from my over indulgence on Saturday. I will be back at the gym tomorrow because it's just a few months before I run the Cops and Joggers 5k and then (DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!!!!) TGIM and I have signed up for Warrior Dash!!!! My friend Raphie told me about this event and I was oozing with excitement when I saw what it entails. Then, I showed TGIM and he told me I wouldn't be able to do it because I'd get all dirty and I hate being dirty. Him saying that made me want to do it even more, so I went and signed us up! I am hoping our friends The Blue's sign up as well because it's always fun to run a race where you get all dirty and muddy then get beer at the end with some great friends.
So, the running shoes go back on tomorrow and I will be running my four miler. I think after the month of July I am going to bump it up to five miles.
Since Cheat Day has ended I am back to eating healthy and have gone back to logging my eating at Livestrong.com. If you would like the username and password to see what I am eating, just send me a message and I will send it to you.
I haven't ran in a few days either. I am giving my body a chance to recover from my over indulgence on Saturday. I will be back at the gym tomorrow because it's just a few months before I run the Cops and Joggers 5k and then (DRUM ROLL, PLEASE!!!!) TGIM and I have signed up for Warrior Dash!!!! My friend Raphie told me about this event and I was oozing with excitement when I saw what it entails. Then, I showed TGIM and he told me I wouldn't be able to do it because I'd get all dirty and I hate being dirty. Him saying that made me want to do it even more, so I went and signed us up! I am hoping our friends The Blue's sign up as well because it's always fun to run a race where you get all dirty and muddy then get beer at the end with some great friends.
So, the running shoes go back on tomorrow and I will be running my four miler. I think after the month of July I am going to bump it up to five miles.
Friday, July 15, 2011
If you recall I posted about the curses of flabby skin here a few days ago??
Well here is an example of some of the irritation I get from the excess skin:
You can't really tell by the picture but it kinda burns and stuff.... Not fun!
Well here is an example of some of the irritation I get from the excess skin:
You can't really tell by the picture but it kinda burns and stuff.... Not fun!
Confessions
Oh you love a good confession, don't you? I see you leaning forward closer to your computer so you can make sure you catch every word.
Well, it's really nothing that fantastic. But it's fantastic enough that I thought I'd share....
I work nights. As in overnight shift. As in graveyard shift. As in when you're getting up to go to your job, I'm leaving my work to go home and go to bed. Your lunch hour is my REM sleep. So that means my eating schedule, sleeping schedule, family schedule, normal life schedule is all messed up. I've been working nights for many years now so it's really become my normal but what never seems to adjust to normal is by body. I eat dinner at 10 at night. Most nights when I am off work, I try to eat later than everyone else. Trying to maintain an overnight shift life on your days off is hard but I have tried to adapt. However, before I started changing my eating habits I used to frequent late night drive-thru's on my break which is a 45 minute break I take at 2:30 in the morning. You'd be surprised how late different restaurants stay open. Taco Bell, McDonalds, Wendy's...all OPEN LATE.
I had a thought today as I left work on my break that I have since broken the habit of driving to one of these places to satisfying a carb craving in the wee hours of the morning. But, I also miss the taste. I miss Diet Coke. I can't tell you how bad I miss Diet Coke. But, I haven't had one since March 16th, 2011. I really miss Diet Coke from McDonalds. And I miss french fries. And my confession is that every night I worked, I'd eat fries and drink Diet Coke alone in my car and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt after it. Like the type of guilt you might feel leaving your child at daycare, I felt about eating shitty food late at night.
Since having changed that about my break and modifying other things in my diet, I have found that I am getting results. The Cheat Day is my salvation. I probably wouldn't have managed this long without allowing myself the one day a week that I do.
So there it is. I have confessed to being a fast food junkie ......
Well, it's really nothing that fantastic. But it's fantastic enough that I thought I'd share....
I work nights. As in overnight shift. As in graveyard shift. As in when you're getting up to go to your job, I'm leaving my work to go home and go to bed. Your lunch hour is my REM sleep. So that means my eating schedule, sleeping schedule, family schedule, normal life schedule is all messed up. I've been working nights for many years now so it's really become my normal but what never seems to adjust to normal is by body. I eat dinner at 10 at night. Most nights when I am off work, I try to eat later than everyone else. Trying to maintain an overnight shift life on your days off is hard but I have tried to adapt. However, before I started changing my eating habits I used to frequent late night drive-thru's on my break which is a 45 minute break I take at 2:30 in the morning. You'd be surprised how late different restaurants stay open. Taco Bell, McDonalds, Wendy's...all OPEN LATE.
I had a thought today as I left work on my break that I have since broken the habit of driving to one of these places to satisfying a carb craving in the wee hours of the morning. But, I also miss the taste. I miss Diet Coke. I can't tell you how bad I miss Diet Coke. But, I haven't had one since March 16th, 2011. I really miss Diet Coke from McDonalds. And I miss french fries. And my confession is that every night I worked, I'd eat fries and drink Diet Coke alone in my car and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt after it. Like the type of guilt you might feel leaving your child at daycare, I felt about eating shitty food late at night.
Since having changed that about my break and modifying other things in my diet, I have found that I am getting results. The Cheat Day is my salvation. I probably wouldn't have managed this long without allowing myself the one day a week that I do.
So there it is. I have confessed to being a fast food junkie ......
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