It has been a long road these last eight months. There have been days when lying in my bed even took too much energy. There have been days when I didn't think I could make it another second without collapsing into myself and never being able to come out as anything more than damaged goods. The five stages of grief are pretty dead on. I held on to the first four stages and dug my nails into them for longer than what I would have liked, but I find that I might be moving on to the last and final stage, Acceptance.
I genuinely feel I am good at split second decisions. My job as taught me that not only do I have gut instinct but my intuition is dead on and if I follow my gut instinct it always ends up being right. But, yesterday I found myself in a situation where my integrity, morals, character, gut instinct and overall motherly abilities where on the line and I was given about half of a half of a second to either do what I needed to do to prove to my Marble's that I am resilient or I could put on the boxing gloves and jump into the ring.
Him and I had been fighting all morning about when I was supposed to come get my two Marble's from his house who had been with him since they had returned from Michigan. He refused to give me the gate code to his uber-Pleasantville residential community and he was just being difficult about my time with the Marble's. So, I told him I would be at this house at 10am to get the Marble's and after a heated exchange he hung up on me.
There were a few things I knew before going into this "pick-up" at his new house.
1. I knew I didn't want to go by myself to his house.(But I did.)
2. I knew She wasn't working and would be there and ultimately, I'd be meeting her. (Put on cute jeans, lip gloss and did my hair.)
3. I knew what the Marble's had told me about their new rooms at His house and their new this and that He had gotten for them and all I could think about was what a shit place I must live in because I couldn't afford to get my Marble's anything new while they were away visiting in Michigan.
4. I knew I had to get Blue Marble to at least go to His house with me. If only for a second, so the transition could start for her. (This took tons of coaxing and a little bribing.)
5. I knew my anxiety level was at its peak. My heart was racing. I was nervous. I wish this wasn't happening.
When I arrived at his house, his truck was not there. There was some confusion, yet relief because I wasn't going to have to deal with Him and Her at the same time. My Yellow Marble threw open the door of his "new" house and wanted me to come in and see her "new" room. I asked if her daddy was home and she told me no, so I asked if I could speak to Her to see if it was ok for me to come into their house to see Yellow Marble's room. At that moment, she appeared at the door and invited me into the house that she moved from Michigan to live in with my husband. I was staring her in the face. I had played this moment over in my head a million times about what I would do or say when I first met her. Was I going to just lay into her and let her know exactly how bad she fucked everything up? Was I going to claw her face off and kick her in the gut and try to cause as much physical pain on her as she caused emotionally on me? I had a hundred different one liners that I wanted to say; little jabs to make her aware of the havoc she has caused in my life and the lives of my Marble's. But, there she was. And there I was. I looked at her in person I saw a homely, unkempt, slightly overweight woman with graying hair and zits on her chin and I almost busted out laughing at the weed he chose to leave me for on his greener grass over there on the other side.
This woman who had caused me such heart ache and such devastation stood before me and the only thing I could think to do was pity her for diving into the mess that she had gotten herself into with my family. What a fucking fool you are, Lady!
Her two kids and my Yellow Marble were all very excited to have me in the house. Her kids are six and two and a half and I am positive they had no clue who I was. They were overly excited to show me their rooms and all their toys and everything "new" to them in their new environment. My Pink and Yellow Marble were the same way. "Mom, look at this. Look at my new room. Look at our new bathroom." I smiled and acted like that I was seeing was the most amazing thing ever. Her kids would show me their baby doll and I acted like it was the most incredible baby doll I had ever laid eyes on. My Marble would point out something in the house and I acted like it was the most amazing object that ever graced a home in Southwest Florida. The whole situation was surreal and utter chaos.
I'm not sure when it all came about because in all the craziness of five kids all wanting my undivided attention, two of which were my nemesis' little ones, it was mentioned that Her kids should see my Marble's rooms at my house. The excitement built. You would have thought Santa had walked into the room carrying puppies for everyone. Kids were jumping on the beds cheering. One of Her kids had already run to her room to pack a bag for a sleepover at my house. I felt like I was cornered. Everyone thought it was the best idea in the world to have Her kids come to MY house to see MY Marble's stuff and I was the only one looking like a deer in head lights thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" She made no attempts to quiet her kids about coming over. In fact, She pretty much wanted to push her children into my arms and send all six of us out the door immediately. I didn't know what to do or what to say in this situation. This was not the scene I play out in my head at all. I was already overcome with every emotion imaginable. I had just met the woman who fucked up my life. I am standing the home that she has made now with my husband looking at the places where my Marble's are going to sleep when they are in that house. Everyone was all excited except for me and I was forced to say something so......
I agreed.
Cheer erupted from all corners of the house. My two Marble's were all excited that Her kids got to see my house. Her kids were all excited to see my house. She was all excited to get everyone out of her house and next thing I knew I had Her daughter in my car and She was following me to my house with my Pink Marble and her baby in the car behind me so everyone could have one big happy dysfunctional playdate.
When we arrived in my driveway I knew She was going to come in and get a tour from the Marble's and they did just that. My house isn't just a house, it's a home. I made sure of that when we bought our house that I made it into a place that showed it was us who lived there. There are family pictures still on the walls. There are pictures of Him and me still lingering on the walls, in the laundry room and hung up with magnets on the Marble's school lockers in the laundry room. She went from room to room not nearly acting as excited about what she was seeing as I was acting when I was at Her house. I wondered what was going through her mind. Now, within minutes the tables were turned. She was on my turf. She was in the home that I shared with her new boyfriend. What the fuck was going through her mind?
Her children stayed at my house for six hours. I tended to them as if they were my own including making sure the little one went to the bathroom on the potty because She was potty training the baby. I watched them like a hawk in the pool, made sure they had full bellies and played with them like I would anyone else's children. I did this because I am a mother. I define myself first as a mom. A good mother. And, it was absolutely necessary for my Marble's to see me and Her tolerate each others presence and be cordial so there was peace in that moment. It was necessary for my Marble's to see their mother have respect for someone who disrespected me, be kind to someone who was not kind to me and be strong when I feel I am at the weakest point in my life. I didn't want the Marble's to feel scared that I was going to do anything to Her nor did I want them to witness any kind of fighting. There might have been another way YOU would have handled that situation, but as a mother of three Marble's who are going through a living hell right now taking Her children to my house for a play date was possibly what needed to happen at that moment.
When the day was over and I laid in bed last night thinking about the events of the day, I wasn't sure I did the right thing. I talked to a lot of people yesterday, including my therapist, about the situation and I tried to pick their brains for what Her motivation might have been to so eagerly send her children with me to my house. In the end, I figured out what it was. In fact, She told me what it was. She needed a break. She had not had a break in six weeks and She needed a break. Apparently, I was the one who was going to give it to her. Somehow She felt that raging bitch who called her twice many months ago and screamed every derogatory word you could call a female was okay enough to hang out with her kids. I don't get it. I don't know if I will ever do it again. But, it bridged a gap. The meeting yesterday was nothing I expected it to be but made me accept the change that is happening in my life and for a brief moment I was okay with what I had seen at their house and what I had seen looking at her and I felt like I was going to pull through this.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Which Way is Out
I started down the path of doing things for myself which included seeking help with this depression thingie I have going on. I felt like I was standing in the woods and all I could see before me were trees. There was no clear, defined way out. After going to the psychiatrist and counselor, I have been able to vaguely see a path off in the distance which I think is the one I am supposed to take to get me out of this mess of emotions I have been dealing with.
The psychiatrist said I have "situational depression", anxiety and OCD. I really didn't need to go to her to be given that diagnosis. I already knew these things and I think every one around me was well aware of these three things that trigger the tears that seem to fall from my eyes on a daily basis. My therapist wants me to go have "fun". I am not even sure I know what that is. I know it's fun to hang out with my friends. I know it's fun to travel. I know it's fun to play games with the Marble's, but am I really having fun while I am doing it?
This past week I found myself in situations where I was on the verge of tears. I have gotten pretty good at my eyes filling up with tears and somehow being able to not let them fall from my eyes when I am in social situations. However, in doing that my face gets red, my lips start to quiver and I take a defensive sitting position in which my arms are folded across my chest and my legs are crossed tightly one over the other. I took this position the other night at the Blue's house when they had a small gathering of friends over. The men started talking about the child support that they **had** to pay and I could feel myself not only getting angry but I was on the verge of a huge cry. I grabbed my things, said bye to everyone and asked my friend Blue to drive me home. As soon as we got in the car he asked me if I was ok. Before he would even get the "ok" out he said, "Nevermind I know you're not." And, the crying began. Those big, fat tears that don't roll down my cheeks but instead fall from my eyes gushed out of me. There are certain people I feel safe crying around. The Blue's are two of them. I cry nonstop and I cry nonstop around them. I can't imagine why they continue to stick around and still come by and still invite me to do things when I am such a crazy mess.
I was explaining this particular crying spell to my therapist and she told me I am giving Him power. Why did he do this to me? How could he do this to our family? Why doesn't he love me anymore? Why he did have the affair? I am allowing myself to be a victim. In being the victim, I am giving him the power to have me feel this way. I do feel like I am a victim in this but I have never been the type of person to play the victim card or sit back and allow someone to make me feel as horrible as he makes me feel. I have to take that power away from him. I am not sure how to do it but I am going to try.
In the meantime, I am going to continue to cling to the Blue's and to my friends and family up north for support. I swear if I didn't hear the voices of my mom and A on a daily basis I would probably have collapsed into a puddle of goo by now. My therapist also said I need to allow time to work itself out. I don't like hearing that but deep down I know it's true. Right now Time can kiss my ass because it's working way too slow. I want to fast forward and not have to work through this uncomfortableness. I want to not have to put so much effort into pretending to be strong when I know that I am not strong right now.
I'm am taking baby steps toward that clearing in the woods; toward that path that will lead me out of this mess. I just hope it doesn't take too much longer to reach the end.
The psychiatrist said I have "situational depression", anxiety and OCD. I really didn't need to go to her to be given that diagnosis. I already knew these things and I think every one around me was well aware of these three things that trigger the tears that seem to fall from my eyes on a daily basis. My therapist wants me to go have "fun". I am not even sure I know what that is. I know it's fun to hang out with my friends. I know it's fun to travel. I know it's fun to play games with the Marble's, but am I really having fun while I am doing it?
This past week I found myself in situations where I was on the verge of tears. I have gotten pretty good at my eyes filling up with tears and somehow being able to not let them fall from my eyes when I am in social situations. However, in doing that my face gets red, my lips start to quiver and I take a defensive sitting position in which my arms are folded across my chest and my legs are crossed tightly one over the other. I took this position the other night at the Blue's house when they had a small gathering of friends over. The men started talking about the child support that they **had** to pay and I could feel myself not only getting angry but I was on the verge of a huge cry. I grabbed my things, said bye to everyone and asked my friend Blue to drive me home. As soon as we got in the car he asked me if I was ok. Before he would even get the "ok" out he said, "Nevermind I know you're not." And, the crying began. Those big, fat tears that don't roll down my cheeks but instead fall from my eyes gushed out of me. There are certain people I feel safe crying around. The Blue's are two of them. I cry nonstop and I cry nonstop around them. I can't imagine why they continue to stick around and still come by and still invite me to do things when I am such a crazy mess.
I was explaining this particular crying spell to my therapist and she told me I am giving Him power. Why did he do this to me? How could he do this to our family? Why doesn't he love me anymore? Why he did have the affair? I am allowing myself to be a victim. In being the victim, I am giving him the power to have me feel this way. I do feel like I am a victim in this but I have never been the type of person to play the victim card or sit back and allow someone to make me feel as horrible as he makes me feel. I have to take that power away from him. I am not sure how to do it but I am going to try.
In the meantime, I am going to continue to cling to the Blue's and to my friends and family up north for support. I swear if I didn't hear the voices of my mom and A on a daily basis I would probably have collapsed into a puddle of goo by now. My therapist also said I need to allow time to work itself out. I don't like hearing that but deep down I know it's true. Right now Time can kiss my ass because it's working way too slow. I want to fast forward and not have to work through this uncomfortableness. I want to not have to put so much effort into pretending to be strong when I know that I am not strong right now.
I'm am taking baby steps toward that clearing in the woods; toward that path that will lead me out of this mess. I just hope it doesn't take too much longer to reach the end.
Friday, July 13, 2012
Reference
I'm at this very transitional place right now where I don't know what to refer to him as when I am talking about my divorce. I could say "exhusband" but I feel like that implies that we are already divorced. I could call him my "husband" but that would imply that we are still married. Perhaps people might even assume, happily married? I could refer to him as "the asshole", "dick", "cheater" but then those names have to be followed by an explanation as to why I am referring to him with such hostility.
When I talk about him to someone and I have to make reference back to him I find myself stumbling over my words because I don't know what to say. These are the little things that pop up every day that I find just keep being a constant reminder of my plight.
When I talk about him to someone and I have to make reference back to him I find myself stumbling over my words because I don't know what to say. These are the little things that pop up every day that I find just keep being a constant reminder of my plight.
Thursday, July 12, 2012
What to Say?
Though I liken these feelings I have of this divorce to what it might feel like to experience the sudden death of someone I deeply love, I am thankful that it's only a divorce I am going through and I'm only going to court in a couple weeks and not a funeral. The reason being is because no one knows what to say when you're sad. I've been placed in a situation where I've had to say something to someone when they have experienced a tragedy and I've been that person that just says the cliche, "I'm so sorry." "It will get better. " "It takes time." But what do these phrases really mean? To me, they're just filler for people who don't know what else to say.
I feel like I am coming off like the biggest bitch right now and I feel like it might convey that I don't appreciate the thoughtfulness of those around me and the pick-me-ups they try to say, because I do. I'm just so far into this funk that now it all sounds redundant. It's all stuff I have heard a gazillion times and, frankly, I am sick of hearing it.
It is mean of me to say these things because i know all the people I have talked to when things seem like shit are people I adore and trust. But each day brings about a greater struggle to get myself up and moving and in the frame of mind to conquer the day. Sleep is my salvation. With depression sleep can go either way. You either don't sleep at all or you sleep all the time. I flip flop back and forth. Right now all I want to do is sleep. It's the only time I have peace. It's the only time my brain gets quiet from the rumblings of everything I have going on and I can just disappear into my bed and not be bothered.
Since the Marble's have been gone, I come home from work and go right to bed. Sometimes I will eat. But, most of the times I am not hungry. I call it the Divorce Diet. I'm not hungry much at all. I hear my stomach saying "Feed me!" but I have no appetite. I might turn on the TV or I might just lay in silence in my bed. I have been able to go a few days without crying but today I cried most of the day.
It seems like even the smallest issue that gets thrown my way becomes this huge hurdle to overcome. Every day this week there has been something to fuck up my day. And the things always happen right in the morning and then other little things continue through the day and eventually it all adds up to this steamy, smelly, heaping pile of shit that I carry around day in and day out.
I want to feel better. I took my friends advice and I am seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor to try to navigate my way through all these feelings. This isn't fun. This isn't a refreshing place to be in. I am angry, sad, bitter, hurt, frustrated, scared, pathetic, ugly, fat, tired, depressed 35 year old woman. What a shitty time to be me right now.
I feel like I am coming off like the biggest bitch right now and I feel like it might convey that I don't appreciate the thoughtfulness of those around me and the pick-me-ups they try to say, because I do. I'm just so far into this funk that now it all sounds redundant. It's all stuff I have heard a gazillion times and, frankly, I am sick of hearing it.
It is mean of me to say these things because i know all the people I have talked to when things seem like shit are people I adore and trust. But each day brings about a greater struggle to get myself up and moving and in the frame of mind to conquer the day. Sleep is my salvation. With depression sleep can go either way. You either don't sleep at all or you sleep all the time. I flip flop back and forth. Right now all I want to do is sleep. It's the only time I have peace. It's the only time my brain gets quiet from the rumblings of everything I have going on and I can just disappear into my bed and not be bothered.
Since the Marble's have been gone, I come home from work and go right to bed. Sometimes I will eat. But, most of the times I am not hungry. I call it the Divorce Diet. I'm not hungry much at all. I hear my stomach saying "Feed me!" but I have no appetite. I might turn on the TV or I might just lay in silence in my bed. I have been able to go a few days without crying but today I cried most of the day.
It seems like even the smallest issue that gets thrown my way becomes this huge hurdle to overcome. Every day this week there has been something to fuck up my day. And the things always happen right in the morning and then other little things continue through the day and eventually it all adds up to this steamy, smelly, heaping pile of shit that I carry around day in and day out.
I want to feel better. I took my friends advice and I am seeing a psychiatrist and a counselor to try to navigate my way through all these feelings. This isn't fun. This isn't a refreshing place to be in. I am angry, sad, bitter, hurt, frustrated, scared, pathetic, ugly, fat, tired, depressed 35 year old woman. What a shitty time to be me right now.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Festering
He probably has no idea how his actions have trickled down into every facet of my life.
I curse him daily for leaving me with the mess that he did. I curse him daily for running off with her and leaving me standing there alone, in our beautiful home, with our beautiful daughters while he set out to embark on some new journey in his life. Then, as if it was something that had been going on for years, he finds it okay to subject our kids to the life he has left me for. I don't understand it.
His absence is felt a million times over. And, I don't want him back. But, I never wanted him to leave. The small things that are occurring right now seem insurmountable. The three screen panes that have torn and blown off in the midst of the series of storms we have had in the last few weeks create such anxiety for me. The idea of trying to repair the screens myself is paralyzing. I stood outside by the smallest screen to repair, the screen to the lanai door, and I cried. It's not my "job" to fix it. It was his job. I feel my heart racing when I have to make decisions without him.
People tell me it's going to get better. God! I am so sick of hearing that. People tell me that I need to smile. Smile at what? The court papers I just got saying my wages are going to be garnished because there was an outstanding debt him and I never paid. People say I need to be happy that my Marble's are healthy and I have supportive friends. Yeah, I am thankful for that but that doesn't mean that it's going to make all these other stresses go away.
How do you go from knowing what a person is doing 24/7 to having them not giving a fuck about whether you're safe or happy or just alright? How can someone who told you they loved you for over a decade just not give a fuck about you anymore? I don't get it. I constantly wonder what I did to deserve this because I had to have done something. No good person would be forced to live through the grief that I have been living through if I had not done something awful to deserve it.
I'm a different person now. I don't look forward to tomorrow. I don't look forward to coming home. I do what I have to do to get me through right now and hope that I can sleep away the rest of the day because there is nothing special about anything I have going on. When there is no one to hug you when you leave for work and no one to tell you to have a nice day, then what's the point of being eager to stay or go? When there is no one to come home to and no one to sit with you at night and recap your day, what's the point of even staying awake? I do what I have to do. I say what I have to say and every once in a while I crack and a little bit of the depression seeps out and whoever is there at the time gets a glimpse of it. Sometimes, I will reach out to someone but most of the time I just let it fester.
I have been following the author of the blog Suburban Bliss and she had a rough year with her divorce. She has found her way and I hope one day I will find my way back to being the person that I was before all this started.
I curse him daily for leaving me with the mess that he did. I curse him daily for running off with her and leaving me standing there alone, in our beautiful home, with our beautiful daughters while he set out to embark on some new journey in his life. Then, as if it was something that had been going on for years, he finds it okay to subject our kids to the life he has left me for. I don't understand it.
His absence is felt a million times over. And, I don't want him back. But, I never wanted him to leave. The small things that are occurring right now seem insurmountable. The three screen panes that have torn and blown off in the midst of the series of storms we have had in the last few weeks create such anxiety for me. The idea of trying to repair the screens myself is paralyzing. I stood outside by the smallest screen to repair, the screen to the lanai door, and I cried. It's not my "job" to fix it. It was his job. I feel my heart racing when I have to make decisions without him.
People tell me it's going to get better. God! I am so sick of hearing that. People tell me that I need to smile. Smile at what? The court papers I just got saying my wages are going to be garnished because there was an outstanding debt him and I never paid. People say I need to be happy that my Marble's are healthy and I have supportive friends. Yeah, I am thankful for that but that doesn't mean that it's going to make all these other stresses go away.
How do you go from knowing what a person is doing 24/7 to having them not giving a fuck about whether you're safe or happy or just alright? How can someone who told you they loved you for over a decade just not give a fuck about you anymore? I don't get it. I constantly wonder what I did to deserve this because I had to have done something. No good person would be forced to live through the grief that I have been living through if I had not done something awful to deserve it.
I'm a different person now. I don't look forward to tomorrow. I don't look forward to coming home. I do what I have to do to get me through right now and hope that I can sleep away the rest of the day because there is nothing special about anything I have going on. When there is no one to hug you when you leave for work and no one to tell you to have a nice day, then what's the point of being eager to stay or go? When there is no one to come home to and no one to sit with you at night and recap your day, what's the point of even staying awake? I do what I have to do. I say what I have to say and every once in a while I crack and a little bit of the depression seeps out and whoever is there at the time gets a glimpse of it. Sometimes, I will reach out to someone but most of the time I just let it fester.
I have been following the author of the blog Suburban Bliss and she had a rough year with her divorce. She has found her way and I hope one day I will find my way back to being the person that I was before all this started.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)