Strength

At one point in my life I thought I was strong enough to handle anything.  I thought that I had everything I could have ever wanted and then some.  Never in my life did I think that I would be writing a blog entry about where my life has taken me these last few months.

I am not even strong enough to write the words.  I don't think I have the ability to speak them yet without my eyes welling up with tears.  I remain silent when people talk about the great things they have going on in their lives because right now I have found that living among the muck of the earth is where I have been residing.

I am not strong right now.  I am not able to do much more than care for my Marbles, go to work, occasionally clean my house and sometimes wash my hair.  Things that I once enjoyed, like running, have become meaningless to me.  The future that I once looked to the horizon for has been shrouded in darkness.  I can't see past the next minute of my life.  I can't live one day at a time like people tell me to do, because I feel like I can't breathe for longer than a second.  I try to live minute-to-minute.  If I can get past this one minute without crying or falling into a daze then I'm good.  On to the next minute... and the routine goes on.

Everything has changed for me, yet nothing has changed.  I look around my house and it's all the same.  Except one huge thing that is missing.  It's missing from the house.  It's missing from my heart.  It's missing from security of the Marble's.  It's just gone.  And, it left so quickly.  I felt the breeze of it whip past me and in a moment it never returned.  What I knew to be normal suddenly was not normal anymore.  What I felt was love, immediately turned to pain.  The change that has come over the course of these past few months has been a change that I can only liken to a death.  Only, it's not a death.  It's very much alive and each day something new happens, or is revealed, or changes and I am reminded that death might have been easier than this.  At least in a death, you have closure.  The why's are usually answered and the huge gaping hole that has been left in your heart fills with warm, vivid memories that you can carry with you where ever you go.  But not this.  This grief I carry is not filled with anything more than betrayal and gut retching sadness.  A sadness that you can physically feel in your stomach, in your head and in your chest.

I sometimes sit on my lanai and stare down the street hoping that I will see something that will bring me peace.  There is only one thing that I want to see -the headlights on a red truck coming home.  But, I don't see them.  So, I walk inside my house where I once felt the most happiness and I fall into my empty bed and I pray that tonight will be the night that I will be able to fall asleep without tears stinging my eyes.  It doesn't happen.  I medicate.  It's all I have right now.  It's the only thing that will give me the rest that I fight each night because I don't want to wake up to the same pain that I will be falling asleep to.

I am alone.  It's what I asked for I suppose.  I uttered the words a lot over the course of 2011 because I was dealing with too many things at once and I thought that being alone and dealing with it silently would somehow remedy the problem.  But, it didn't.  Instead it only made things worse.  I had shit going on at work.  I had a the sickness of my grandma, the drama with my father that accompanied that and then my grandma's passing which hit me harder than I thought it was going to.  I was still battling my weight issues and body issues.  I was working a night shift that was grueling and stressful and developed a black heart that made me oblivious to what others were feeling around me.  I just wanted to be alone.  Well, here I am.  Alone.  I never noticed just how quiet "alone" is.

People tell me I need to be strong.  At this point, I am not sure I even know what that means.  I feel like I have collapsed and I have no desire to pull myself up.  It feels like lying there helpless is easier than trying to muster the strength to get up and face this head on.  Maybe if I try to say the words it will seem more real because I found that I can't say it.  I feel like if I say it out loud that it's really going to happen even though it's already happening.

I'm getting divorced.

Warrior Dash Recap

one of the Craziest Frickin' Days of My Life!!!

Saturday was Warrior Dash and TGIM and I killed it on the course. If you're not familiar with Warrior Dash it is a 5k with a series of obstacles along the route that include rope climbing, mud, water and all other kinds of craziness.

The run started with us being corralled at the starting line for our 9:00am heat. We all counted down and headed out for about a half mile run until we came to our first obstacle the "Rubber Ricochet". This was a bunch of tires hanging from ropes that you had to navigate through all while running through tires. It wasn't too hard except when you were swinging tires one way someone else was swing their tires your way so you could have potentially gotten your head knocked by a tire. I was savvy enough to avoid that.It was like this only with tires on the ground too!

The next obstacle was Road Rage. We had to run over cars and then run through tires. This too wasn't very difficult. You just had to make sure you didn't slip when you were on top of the cars. After making my way over two cars and a shit ton of tires, the course wound its way down a ravine and into a lake. TGIM was about six people ahead of me until we got into the water then I was right behind him. He turned around to warn me about a huge rock he had just tripped on and just then I tripped over the rock. Thinking that it was just a big rock, I went to go step over it but this wasn't just any rock. It was long, jagged and rectangular so every time I went to try to go over the rock I'd fall. At one point, I reached out while falling and grabbed the back of Brian's shorts and pulled them down. By this time I am chest deep in the water doggie paddling and the man next to me grabbed my arm and pulled me up to shore. Thank goodness for strong Warriors.

After about another quarter mile run we hit our next obstacle which was an A framed structure that you had to climb up one side and repel down the other side on a rope. I don't know how to repel so once I got up the one side and started to go down the rope, I just slid down the rope causing some terrible rope burns. These rope burns I sustained at the beginning of the course, caused me a lot of pain along the rest of the obstacles.

The next obstacle was the "Chaotic Crossover" which was a cargo net laid out vertically about four feet above the ground. It took some common sense to figure this one out which I noticed many of the Warriors that were dashing did not have. The best way to cross over this obstacle is on all fours crawling. But there were some people trying to scoot on their butt, walk up right or slither across like a snake. I used the support beam in the center as stabilization and crawled across on all fours. I was across Chaotic Crossover in no time.

At this point the obstacles were spaced out a little closer together so it made me think less about running and more about climbing. My hands were blistering from sliding down the ropes so climbing the next obstacle "Giant Cliffhanger" wasn't easy.

I think this was one of the harder ones for me because I had to use my upper body strength to pull myself up the angled wall which causes you to be in a really awkward position in which your butt is sticking out and you're kinda hunched over. But, I got up it relatively fast and I thought TGIM was still waiting to go up so once I got over it I looked back only to find him standing ahead of me waiting on me! He's such a gentle Warrior always waiting for me to make sure I made it over the obstacles safely!

By this time I was sweating, tired and thirsty. I walked to the next stop which was a series of chains we had to go through and then wade across a mucky river. Most of the times when we reached an obstacle we had to wait on other people to complete it before we had a chance to get our turn. It wasn't a long wait but everyone would rush to the next thing and then we'd have to stand there for a minute. It gave us time to catch our breath. Trudging through the mucky river wasn't bad. But some people were acting like they didn't want to get wet. It's Warrior Dash. Jump in! Get dirty! And Go!!!

After coming out of the second water/mud run my shoes were feeling heavy. My clothes were soaking wet and it made trying to get myself over the other obstacles kinda tricky. But, relief came when I reached a tube that was filled with mud that we had to slide through like an enclosed slide into a bunch of mud and netting that we then had to crawl past. This one wasn't hard so I was able to regain my composure and get my head back into the running game.

We ran down a paved trail which was nice because most of the time along the run it was gravel or grass and I had not been used to running on that surface. I eventually came to a rock climbing wall which is scurried up and over in no time and then came the hardest obstacle of the day for me.

It was another rope wall only the rope was hanging about six feet up from the ground. So, in order for me to grab onto the rope I had to jump up, grab the rope and then try to pull myself up the rope on the vertical wall. This wasn't easy. It's really hard to jump up, grab a rope, hold on and pull yourself up. It took me about two tries to jump up and reach the rope and be able to hold on long enough to pull myself up to the top platform. Once I got to the top the only way down was to slide down a pole. Easy enough, right? Well, I wrapped my legs around the pole and went to slide down but before I could even think I was hitting the ground with so much force TGIM was sure I had broken my tailbone. I guess I will never be a stripper!

Next was the cargo net that was easy to get up if you stay to the sides were the wooden beams were. I was up and over that in less than a minute and then it was time to jump over two large bonfires that the flames were about three feet off the ground. I think my inner thighs got singed. And now this is where the competition between TGIM and I gets tricky.

TGIM was ahead of me the whole race by maybe a car length. He'd reach and obstacle, conquer it and then wait for me to make sure I got over it before he continued on. He seemed to think that after he jumped over the fire the race was over even though the finish line was clearly indicated with a huge FINISH banner and a gigantic mud pit. TGIM says when he jumped over the fire he heard a beep which made him think time had stopped so he started to walk. I, on the other hand, knew I still needed to go through the mud pit so I started sprinting it leaving TGIM in the dust.

As I got to the mud pit there were chains and barbed wire hanging low to the ground so you had to squirm under the chains into the mud to get through it. I was excited about getting down and dirty even more so I dove right under the barbed wire and wriggled my way through the mud like I had been living in mud my whole life. Once I got out I ran as fast as I could to the finish line and completed my first Warrior Dash in 50 minutes and nine seconds. My goal was to complete it in an hour and it felt great attaining my goal!! TGIM followed up behind me with a time of 50 minutes and 28 seconds. We were both covered in mud and could hear the Marble's cheering us on as we came across the finish line. It was a really fun time and I strongly encourage everyone to find a Warrior Dash event in their area and sign up!!!

Turkey Trot Recap

Blue Marble and I set out yesterday for The 32nd Annual Turkey Trot in Cape Coral. The weather was a little cool so I suited up in my Under Armour compression shirt which said that it would keep my muscles warm during cooler temperatures. I also sported my under Armour spandex pants (I'm waiting for UA to sponsor me) and a couple tank tops (for the layering effect). And, my Brooks. Oh and The Ugly hat. Blue Marble wore her usual everyday uniform of black tshirt and basketball shorts.

Don't we look like real runners???

We arrived at the race about 45 minutes early and scoped out start line. Blue Marble wanted to be right in the front of the 3,000 people who were participating in the race. Now, this "race" isn't really a real race, it's the Turkey Trot. But apparently for some of the more accomplished runners which I won't name any names (Fort Myers Speedsters) they don't play games at the the Turkey Trot. While we were all huddled near the front line, one of the Speedsters was talking to another Speedster about how the little kids shouldn't be at the front line because they can't run a six minute mile. Then he turned to Blue Marble and asked her if she could run a six minute mile and I looked at the dude and said, "Sir, it's the Turkey Trot! Seriously?" And he proceeded to tell me that we should get to the back of the line. Ok first, I'm not walking a mile and a half back to the end of the hoards of people when I have to run 3 miles forward to get to the finish line. Second, aren't you supposed to be wearing a "Speedsters" tank top? Your chest hair is in my bubble and rubbing on the back of my arm. And, third, it's THE TURKEY TROT!! Not the Boston Marathon. Chill out!!

Once the Ready, Set, Go! was called we all took off and less than a quarter mile down the road Blue Marble ran out of steam. I gave her a pat on the back as she began walking and I jogged by her as practically all 3,000 people behind me passed me by.

I made it to mile one in 10:23 which was really good for me but I think it had a lot to do with the fact that I felt like I was running with the bulls. Between mile 2 and 3 I started to tucker out. My back was aching bad and my breathing in the cool air seemed to make my chest burn. I slowed to a walk and took a short breather at the Mile 2 water station. As, I approached Mile 3, I decided to try some Fartleks to at least get my time up because my goal was under 36 minutes. As I rounded the corner to the homestretch I slowed to a walk again at which point someone on a bike told me, "Come on you can do it, only 800 meters." 800 METERS!!!!! Ok, I have no idea how far that is, but thankfully I saw the finish line because her telling me that in my frame of mind at that point made me think I had entered to run a marathon not a 5k.

I was running slow. Slow enough that 75 year old man and his 5 year old grand daughter passed me, but as I started to head toward the finish line I saw the clock and started sprinting. I wanted to get there in under 36 minutes. I ran. I ran fast. I had a great stride and I crossed over the finish line at 36:06 minutes................

Blue Marble followed up behind me with a time of about 44 minutes. I was so proud of her and she looked so happy when she finished. Then we snacked on some treats they had for us and headed home to a great Thanksgiving dinner.

Next Saturday, Warrior Dash!!!!

Fallen Off the Wagon

This weekend TGIM left me with the Marble's and drove off to Everglades City for some male bonding. It's all fine and dandy that he got his "me" time, but his absence sent me over the edge and everything that I worked so hard for fell apart this weekend. My eating went to crap. I polished off a half gallon of Heath Bar ice cream about an hour ago. A half gallon that I had been grazing on since Friday. I didn't run at all. This isn't good because I have the Turkey Trot on Thursday and Warrior Dash next Friday.

Monday is a new day. A new week. A new time to make better choices! Fingers crossed for a nice morning so I can go for my run before I have to sleep for work tomorrow night!

One Small Thing Can Throw Off My Game

I had every intention of running this morning. In fact, I got on my running uniform and sucked down my Gu and made it about a half a mile until the fact that the shirt I wanted to wear on my run wasn't where I had thought it was and instantly that one thing made me get all anxious and i turned around and headed home to find the shirt.

People! What is wrong with me?

How can the fact that I couldn't find my shirt when I left for my run today cause me to not be able to focus on running?

Because of this situation today, I have come to realize there are a few more things I need to add to my get-up when I go for the run. I have the Ugly Hat, the capri's, the shirt, the water bottle... but here are a few more:

1. .25mg Xanax (which is my .50mg Xanax broken in half)

2. new songs for my 5k playlist (I'm taking suggestions.)

3. socks that aren't Thor-lo

4. 800mg Ibuprofen

5. someone to encourage me when I set out for the run. someone at my first mile to help me stretch and someone near the end to cheer me on during the home stretch. This "someone" can be the same person.

6. A run buddy. As in, someone who runs WITH me.

Making these minor adjustments should put me in perfect training mode in a mere three weeks.

I also felt like I just wasn't into this run today after an email I sent to Autumn and Raphie. The drama swirling around me has seemed to die down a bit, but with it came changes I wasn't anticipating and ones that left me sad and let down. I have expressed these feelings to Raphie and Autumn on numerous occasions and they have been open and honest with me in how to go about dealing with the issue. That being said, it doesn't take away from the fact that there are things I want to say, places I want to go, things I want to see and unfortunately I am not able to do that anymore. It bothers me when things change and I have no say in it. And, when things like that happen I find that I preoccupy myself with something else (Running) so I don't have to deal with the reality of what is going on. Before, when I had issues/change I ate. Now, I try hard not to eat and instead I run. Or try to run. I guess what I am getting at here is that, if it wasn't the issue with the shirt today that threw off my morning run, then it might have been the friendship issue, the dirty kitchen issue, the missing my friends and family in Michigan issue. But, when you have a person you trusted, laughed with, confided in, opened your home to or treated as a family member and then suddenly they're just ...poof....removed from your every day.....it fucks with your head. And, I miss my friends. So as I have said numerous times before, I run....I suggest to you that when you encounter a hurdle in your life, take a minute to go outside and just start running....you'd be amazed at how sometimes that's all it takes.

I only wish today was one of those days. But, I am going to get back out there this afternoon and press on....

All These Things That I Have Done

....so far this morning, that is.

After running the other day for the first time in days, my thighs were miserable as were my shoulders and ankles. I hobbled around the house yesterday thinking I should go run but ended up walking a mile and half around my block while chatting on the phone with Autumn. Her voice does provide for a nice walking rhythm. I told myself, "Self, you need to get your ass out there and run tomorrow." So I woke up early and suited up and headed out for my run.

I have to say that I look more like a runner in my outfits than I actually am. I think I fool a lot of people who pass me on the road. I have these great Under Armour spandex capris that I am not shy about wearing. They are skin tight. And, just to give everyone a good show I don't wear shorts over them so everyone gets a nice view of my ass. Today I tested out my Under Armour compression shirt that I want to wear for Warrior Dash. It's long sleeved and ideal for this cool November morning here in Florida. And by cool I mean it's 50 degrees outside. The shirt pissed me off. It kept riding up on me and I constantly found myself tugging on it to get it back down to my hips. I wore The Ugly Hat too and I find that it allows for a lot more ventilation than my University of Michigan hat I had bought at Meijer several years ago on a visit up to Michigan.

My run was 3.22 miles and again I was cursed with the wind blowing at me in every direction. Usually it just blows east to west or west to east but today it was blowing in my face every which way I ran. It was blowing so hard that it made my eyes water. I know I'm supposed to run with my head up looking at the horizon, but when I feel like a gust of wind is going to blow my head right off my body, it was easier to run looking at my shoes.

This is the little palm tree in front of my house. See those palm fronds that are all gathered on the one side? Well, it's not supposed to be like that. They're supposed to be on the other side but since it's hurricane force winds out there again today, everything is pushed to the other side. After looking more closely at this picture, I don't really think it shows just how windy outside it really is so you're just going to have to take my word for it. My lawn looks nice though!

I'm also feeling sore so Ibuprofen is my new best friend. I am nervous how I am going to feel once I start training for the half marathon. I know my body is going to scream, "What the fuck are you doing to me?" Right now I am just trying to have a good time for my two 5k's I have coming up. But, for now I am going to drift off into dreamland as I prepare for the other thorn in my side this weekend... work.

Will I Be Able To Do This?

This is what my training schedule looks like for the month of February.....

I'm scared!!!