At one point in my life I thought I was strong enough to handle anything. I thought that I had everything I could have ever wanted and then some. Never in my life did I think that I would be writing a blog entry about where my life has taken me these last few months.
I am not even strong enough to write the words. I don't think I have the ability to speak them yet without my eyes welling up with tears. I remain silent when people talk about the great things they have going on in their lives because right now I have found that living among the muck of the earth is where I have been residing.
I am not strong right now. I am not able to do much more than care for my Marbles, go to work, occasionally clean my house and sometimes wash my hair. Things that I once enjoyed, like running, have become meaningless to me. The future that I once looked to the horizon for has been shrouded in darkness. I can't see past the next minute of my life. I can't live one day at a time like people tell me to do, because I feel like I can't breathe for longer than a second. I try to live minute-to-minute. If I can get past this one minute without crying or falling into a daze then I'm good. On to the next minute... and the routine goes on.
Everything has changed for me, yet nothing has changed. I look around my house and it's all the same. Except one huge thing that is missing. It's missing from the house. It's missing from my heart. It's missing from security of the Marble's. It's just gone. And, it left so quickly. I felt the breeze of it whip past me and in a moment it never returned. What I knew to be normal suddenly was not normal anymore. What I felt was love, immediately turned to pain. The change that has come over the course of these past few months has been a change that I can only liken to a death. Only, it's not a death. It's very much alive and each day something new happens, or is revealed, or changes and I am reminded that death might have been easier than this. At least in a death, you have closure. The why's are usually answered and the huge gaping hole that has been left in your heart fills with warm, vivid memories that you can carry with you where ever you go. But not this. This grief I carry is not filled with anything more than betrayal and gut retching sadness. A sadness that you can physically feel in your stomach, in your head and in your chest.
I sometimes sit on my lanai and stare down the street hoping that I will see something that will bring me peace. There is only one thing that I want to see -the headlights on a red truck coming home. But, I don't see them. So, I walk inside my house where I once felt the most happiness and I fall into my empty bed and I pray that tonight will be the night that I will be able to fall asleep without tears stinging my eyes. It doesn't happen. I medicate. It's all I have right now. It's the only thing that will give me the rest that I fight each night because I don't want to wake up to the same pain that I will be falling asleep to.
I am alone. It's what I asked for I suppose. I uttered the words a lot over the course of 2011 because I was dealing with too many things at once and I thought that being alone and dealing with it silently would somehow remedy the problem. But, it didn't. Instead it only made things worse. I had shit going on at work. I had a the sickness of my grandma, the drama with my father that accompanied that and then my grandma's passing which hit me harder than I thought it was going to. I was still battling my weight issues and body issues. I was working a night shift that was grueling and stressful and developed a black heart that made me oblivious to what others were feeling around me. I just wanted to be alone. Well, here I am. Alone. I never noticed just how quiet "alone" is.
People tell me I need to be strong. At this point, I am not sure I even know what that means. I feel like I have collapsed and I have no desire to pull myself up. It feels like lying there helpless is easier than trying to muster the strength to get up and face this head on. Maybe if I try to say the words it will seem more real because I found that I can't say it. I feel like if I say it out loud that it's really going to happen even though it's already happening.
I'm getting divorced.
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