Clarity

In my moment of clarity, I know I did nothing wrong.  But those moments are once a week at best.  They come when someone says something poignant to me, something that no one else has said yet and I think to myself, "Yeah.  It's not me.  It was him."

 The self-loathing is what I'm good at, though.  And issues that were put on the back burner throughout the course of my marriage have crept back up with such force that they have taken over me and I accept all my flaws as truths.

 I need to not do that.  I need to, everyone once in a while, listen to what those people are telling me and not brush off their compliments.

Today, not only did I accept a compliment but my moment of clarity lasted well over nine hours. 

What I determined as I emerged from my haze is that if given the opportunity and the temptation, a man will cheat.  That husband of yours that you think is so loyal and true to you will screw you over in a second if the time is right.  You think it won't happen to you?  So did I. 

My marriage wasn't perfect.  I know that.  But, it was my marriage and to me it was as perfect as it could get.  We didn't enjoy the same past times but what time we didn't spend together on our own social lives we made up for in family time.  We did a lot of things as a family.  We were a phenomenal team.  The way we handled situations as a couple were admired by our family and friends.  But then this other person showed up and while I was off working overnights so our Marble's didn't have to live in day care, he was drinking on the lanai reminiscing about 1990 with his old girlfriend from high school.  That's the opportunity part there.  I wasn't there to monitor the situation, therefore he felt he could carry on this affair.  Then the temptation came and it was all downhill.  Somehow she made it seem like life with her would be so much better than life with me and he took the bait and away he went.

Any one of you could have this happen to you.  All it takes is that one email or facebook friend request, one girl giving him the googly eyes at work and paying a little bit more attention to him that you are and suddenly what was a loving, trusting marriage falls apart right before you and there's nothing you can do to stop it.

These moments of clarity tend to make me a man hater.  I guess I am entitled to feel like that right now.  Perhaps it's better to hate on all the males in the world then hate on myself?