Maybe it's the fact that Cheat Day was today and I gorged on pretty much everything that passed in front of my mouth. Maybe it's due to the fact that I was able to get in some serious house maintenance today which included work that he would do outside the house that involved weed whipping and driving the tractor. Or maybe it's the Ambien. Whatever it is, I am determined to come up with ten things that I feel positive about starting right now (and I am going to write them in complete sentences):
1. I feel positive today because I was able to find Pink Marble an article of clothing in the size she needed at JCPenney where I have convinced myself it's the only store that sells these specific articles of clothing for women in sizes suitable for every woman's body. And Pink Marble was pleased.
2. I was asked to wash Yellow Marble's hair today while she was in the bath tub. This was something we used to do when she was younger. I'd be scrubbing her hair and ask her questions like she was at the hair salon. Today's question was, "So, did you hang out with any cool people today?" (ME! ME! Say your mom!!) She giggled and said, "Yea, Myselffffffff!" It made me laugh. We also made sure we wash all of her hair which includes, obviously, the hair on her head, her eyebrows, her back hair, her armpit hair and her chest hair. She tries to convince me every time that she doesn't have hair on her back, armpits or chest but I believe it's there and needed to be cleaned.
3. I am thankful that I was able to get the weed whipper started and was able to edge around the house and flower beds and around the palm trees. I even wore my gardening gloves. Then I charged the battery on the tractor and got it to start and cut the grass. Now, my outside looks like the Jones'.
....this is getting difficult.....
4. The Marble's have been happy all weekend because we have the Blue's dog visiting us while they are away on a mini vacation.
5. I am thankful for a new friend that I have and whom I will soon be working with that has a great, funny, positive attitude and I am looking forward for great things to happen in the months to come.
6. I feel better after reading an article on DETNEWS.com that a reporter wrote about the suicide of that football player. The reporter wrote about his own battles with depression and some of the things he talked about were things that I have felt. It made me feel like in dealing with this depression I'm not abnormal. A few things that I took away from the article was where he wrote, "With depression, there are no bright colors. A good day is a light gray
or a muted blue. Most days are just gray. A bad day is pitch black."
Most of my days right now are gray. A few times a week I travel into the pitch black. I haven't seen the light gray or muted blue until today. He also discussed his philosophy, " As a working philosophy, "just get through the day," doesn't leave much
room for joy or happiness or contentment or love or anything other than
the relief of getting through. An unanswerable question for people like
me is, "What do you do for fun?" I realized that my depression causes me not to really do anything fun. So, maybe I need to start back doing the things I enjoyed. Like running.....I'd love to start running again and maybe if I just "get through" that first one it will be the catalyst to get me through more.
7. I am happy tonight because I have my two Marble's home with me. One is in my bed snoring away and the other claimed her spot on the couch. I love having them with me. Pink Marble is spending the night at her friends house.
....I need to come up with three more....
8. I got to take a two hour nap today on the softest, whitest sheets ever. They feel like I am sleeping on the softest cotton.
9. I'm thankful the first question my mom asked me today when she called me was how I was doing. Because, even though I might sound fine on text, facebook or even just shooting the shit on the phone, I'm not fine. I'm exactly what that above article said, "Just getting through the day". But, I appreciate her asking because it shows she is thinking about me and that she cares.
10. Finally, I feel blessed that I have the most wonderful Marble's on the planet. They are my strength and they are what keeps me going. Had all this happened and I didn't have them, I would be making a lot different decisions that I am now. I hope one day they see just how much a mother can love her child and how ferocious that love can be when it gets tested.
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