Everything has changed, but nothing has changed.
The "Everything" that has changed is that he's gone. It's a huge absence in the house. The barbeque grill that he used on a near daily basis has been left to rust out on the lanai. The sound of the garage door opening at 430 in the afternoon has gone silent. There is no anticipation of his arrival home. There is no one to talk to in the morning about my day.
When I'd be coming home from work in the morning I used to get excited when I'd see the light in my bathroom on as I drove down the road toward my house. It meant that he was awake and in the shower and that I'd have his attention to excitedly recap my night to him. I laugh to myself thinking about how I essentially cornered him and forced him to listen. He never cared about my job or what I did. He'd say, "It's all cop talk!" and just nod his head probably not even paying attention to a word I was saying and instead thinking about his next "fishing trip" to see her. But, it's the little things I miss. It's the little things that are hard to adjust to and hard to not notice that they're not there.
However, I have tried to maintain as much normalcy for the sake of the Marble's as I possibly can. Bedtime is still 830 sharp. Only now they sleep in each others rooms or in my bed or we pull Yellow Marble's mattress from her bunk and plop it down on the floor of my room and all four of us fall asleep watching Good Luck Charlie. Laundry still gets folded, separated into piles and laid out on the floor in the living room. Only difference is none of his stuff is coming through the wash. I still don't make dinner and if I do it's chicken or spaghetti. All the family pictures are still on display in the house, except our wedding picture which was hanging up in my room and facing my bed so I stared at it every night torturing myself as I tried to fall asleep. I took the picture down and put it in the closet. It was my favorite picture. It was the picture that captured how happy were were the day we got married. Funny how those words we promised to each other meant something for 12 years yet in a few months they could go from having meaning to meaning absolutely nothing.
I still maintain an impeccably clean house and stress out when things are out of place. I still have my areas that I allow to get messy and sometimes I let dust collect on the tables longer than I would have in the past. I still spend my evenings on the lanai. Just sitting there pondering what will come of all this and how I am going to deal with what lies in front of me. I still get the Marble's to and from school every single day. They know they can count on me to get them there on time and be there early to pick them up. Nothing there has changed. I still pack Blue Marble's lunch all the time because I know exactly how she likes her sandwich right down to the way it's cut and placed in the Ziploc bag.
I am trying to keep things how they were before he left in an attempt to create stability for the Marble's. I want them to endure. I want them to one day look back at this time in their lives and see that I was the glue that was holding it all together. Even though inside I am shattered into a million pieces, I want them to know that all the things I am doing... I am doing for them. And, I hope that these choices and decisions and mistakes and fights and outbursts and crying and laughing and everything that's all smooched up that is going on right now will play out in their heads in years to come and they will come to me with a simple "Thank you" and I will know that all this pain and shit that I have been wading in didn't change them from being the wonderful girls I want them to grow up to be.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Choice: Strength?
It's Mother's Day.
I'll be spending my first Mother's Day as a single mom at work without my Marble's. I am making it a point to get up earlier than normal, drive to his condo and go to lunch with them. I am going to bask in those few hours I have with each one of them because they are what keep me waking up every day. I know that there is no way I could ever leave my Blue Marble without me. I know that there is no one else who can scoop up Yellow Marble and baby talk her and still to this day, nine years later, convince her that she is still a "tiny baby". I've referred to her as a tiny baby ever since the day she was born. I could never leave Pink Marble because I am her biggest cheerleader. There is no one else on this planet who has the faith in her that I do. No one else who believes in her ability to accomplish great things like I do. She is so incredibly gifted and I wake up each day wondering what amazing thing she will accomplish in the the world.
But, they're the only thing that keeps me going right now. I feel like a big engine on a steam train that has been screeching to a halt for months and metal on metal is piercing my ear drums but I can't stop. I want to stop. Everything in me is telling me to give up; to press the breaks a little bit harder and just stop. But I keep chugging along. It's by no means fun. In fact, it's been quite depressing. Sometimes I think I am fooling those around me but I get the messages that say, "I'm worried about you." or "Go talk to someone." I am fielding questions and looking for answers that I have no idea about. I get asked how I'm doing and I lie because does it even matter? The person who has made me feel like this doesn't care how I'm feeling so explaining to anyone how I feel on any given day will just be the same redundant crap that I have been saying for months. Honestly, I feel like shit. I feel like I am a walking open wound. An infected one. That's all pussy and crusty around the edges. I feel like I look like that too. So, it's difficult to conduct myself in a way that is pleasant and fun to be around when I have this gaping hole dead center in my chest.
The other night I was sitting on the couch talking to Pink Marble. She told me she misses me when she is at his condo. It was the first time she expressed an emotion like that to me in a long time. I started crying and told her how much I missed her when she is gone. She was consoling me. My 12 year old was telling me it was going to be ok. Somehow, she already knows that it's going to be ok and I don't. She has somehow seen into the future and can tell me that I am going to be ok even though I am convinced I will never be ok. It's amazing to me how my Marble's have handled this divorce. They have gone through a lot of changes in their lives. But they hang on. They look for the good in situations. They look for the good in other people. People they shouldn't look for the good in they do. Is that a reflection on how I've raised them? That even though that woman has so painfully and mercilessly driven a wedge between our family, these Marble's (well two of them) can find good in her??
When the Marble's were younger and we lived in Michigan and we had the influence of family around I was always doted on for my creative ways for redirecting bad behavior and being able to use words to express what I wanted my Marble's to do instead of actions. And, I would tell the Marble's the same things. "Use your words," I'd tell them when they'd come to me whining about something "Put on your listening ears." I'd say and with a smug look on their face they'd reach their hands to their ears and twist as if they were putting on "listening" ears. When they would hit each other I'd take their little chubby hands and brush it over their sisters arm and say, "Nice touches." Those little things I did with them when they were little were seen as great alternatives to spanking or time outs. I never agreed with spanking and time outs weren't anything that I was a fan of, so I always tried to redirect the behavior. Even when the Marble's would fall, they'd look at me about to cry and I'd start clapping my hands and act all happy and immediately their demeanor would change and the tears would disappear and they'd get right back up and press on.
I need to press on, too, don't I? I want to but my thinking is the person who was my cheerleader, the man who stood up and clapped for me when I fell has left and I'm laying here on the ground listening for that positive energy and it's not coming.
Whenever my friend ends her messages with me she writes, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." Somehow I have managed to be strong enough to get me through this far and my Marble's have shown tremendous strength. Because, she's right. Right now, being strong IS the only choice I have.
Fuck.
I'll be spending my first Mother's Day as a single mom at work without my Marble's. I am making it a point to get up earlier than normal, drive to his condo and go to lunch with them. I am going to bask in those few hours I have with each one of them because they are what keep me waking up every day. I know that there is no way I could ever leave my Blue Marble without me. I know that there is no one else who can scoop up Yellow Marble and baby talk her and still to this day, nine years later, convince her that she is still a "tiny baby". I've referred to her as a tiny baby ever since the day she was born. I could never leave Pink Marble because I am her biggest cheerleader. There is no one else on this planet who has the faith in her that I do. No one else who believes in her ability to accomplish great things like I do. She is so incredibly gifted and I wake up each day wondering what amazing thing she will accomplish in the the world.
But, they're the only thing that keeps me going right now. I feel like a big engine on a steam train that has been screeching to a halt for months and metal on metal is piercing my ear drums but I can't stop. I want to stop. Everything in me is telling me to give up; to press the breaks a little bit harder and just stop. But I keep chugging along. It's by no means fun. In fact, it's been quite depressing. Sometimes I think I am fooling those around me but I get the messages that say, "I'm worried about you." or "Go talk to someone." I am fielding questions and looking for answers that I have no idea about. I get asked how I'm doing and I lie because does it even matter? The person who has made me feel like this doesn't care how I'm feeling so explaining to anyone how I feel on any given day will just be the same redundant crap that I have been saying for months. Honestly, I feel like shit. I feel like I am a walking open wound. An infected one. That's all pussy and crusty around the edges. I feel like I look like that too. So, it's difficult to conduct myself in a way that is pleasant and fun to be around when I have this gaping hole dead center in my chest.
The other night I was sitting on the couch talking to Pink Marble. She told me she misses me when she is at his condo. It was the first time she expressed an emotion like that to me in a long time. I started crying and told her how much I missed her when she is gone. She was consoling me. My 12 year old was telling me it was going to be ok. Somehow, she already knows that it's going to be ok and I don't. She has somehow seen into the future and can tell me that I am going to be ok even though I am convinced I will never be ok. It's amazing to me how my Marble's have handled this divorce. They have gone through a lot of changes in their lives. But they hang on. They look for the good in situations. They look for the good in other people. People they shouldn't look for the good in they do. Is that a reflection on how I've raised them? That even though that woman has so painfully and mercilessly driven a wedge between our family, these Marble's (well two of them) can find good in her??
When the Marble's were younger and we lived in Michigan and we had the influence of family around I was always doted on for my creative ways for redirecting bad behavior and being able to use words to express what I wanted my Marble's to do instead of actions. And, I would tell the Marble's the same things. "Use your words," I'd tell them when they'd come to me whining about something "Put on your listening ears." I'd say and with a smug look on their face they'd reach their hands to their ears and twist as if they were putting on "listening" ears. When they would hit each other I'd take their little chubby hands and brush it over their sisters arm and say, "Nice touches." Those little things I did with them when they were little were seen as great alternatives to spanking or time outs. I never agreed with spanking and time outs weren't anything that I was a fan of, so I always tried to redirect the behavior. Even when the Marble's would fall, they'd look at me about to cry and I'd start clapping my hands and act all happy and immediately their demeanor would change and the tears would disappear and they'd get right back up and press on.
I need to press on, too, don't I? I want to but my thinking is the person who was my cheerleader, the man who stood up and clapped for me when I fell has left and I'm laying here on the ground listening for that positive energy and it's not coming.
Whenever my friend ends her messages with me she writes, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." Somehow I have managed to be strong enough to get me through this far and my Marble's have shown tremendous strength. Because, she's right. Right now, being strong IS the only choice I have.
Fuck.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Modern Family
Last night on Modern Family Jay Pritchett said of his divorce that staying with his children when they were little was more important to him than divorcing his wife.
I wish more men thought this way.
He went on to say that he waited until his children were grown to get his divorce.
Choosing to stay with your family over getting a divorce to be with your skank who lives 1200 miles away would have been the RIGHT thing to do. But, doing the right thing doesn't apply to him anymore. And that causes me so much confusion and sadness.
I wish more men thought this way.
He went on to say that he waited until his children were grown to get his divorce.
Choosing to stay with your family over getting a divorce to be with your skank who lives 1200 miles away would have been the RIGHT thing to do. But, doing the right thing doesn't apply to him anymore. And that causes me so much confusion and sadness.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Clarity
In my moment of clarity, I know I did nothing wrong. But those moments are once a week at best. They come when someone says something poignant to me, something that no one else has said yet and I think to myself, "Yeah. It's not me. It was him."
The self-loathing is what I'm good at, though. And issues that were put on the back burner throughout the course of my marriage have crept back up with such force that they have taken over me and I accept all my flaws as truths.
I need to not do that. I need to, everyone once in a while, listen to what those people are telling me and not brush off their compliments.
Today, not only did I accept a compliment but my moment of clarity lasted well over nine hours.
What I determined as I emerged from my haze is that if given the opportunity and the temptation, a man will cheat. That husband of yours that you think is so loyal and true to you will screw you over in a second if the time is right. You think it won't happen to you? So did I.
My marriage wasn't perfect. I know that. But, it was my marriage and to me it was as perfect as it could get. We didn't enjoy the same past times but what time we didn't spend together on our own social lives we made up for in family time. We did a lot of things as a family. We were a phenomenal team. The way we handled situations as a couple were admired by our family and friends. But then this other person showed up and while I was off working overnights so our Marble's didn't have to live in day care, he was drinking on the lanai reminiscing about 1990 with his old girlfriend from high school. That's the opportunity part there. I wasn't there to monitor the situation, therefore he felt he could carry on this affair. Then the temptation came and it was all downhill. Somehow she made it seem like life with her would be so much better than life with me and he took the bait and away he went.
Any one of you could have this happen to you. All it takes is that one email or facebook friend request, one girl giving him the googly eyes at work and paying a little bit more attention to him that you are and suddenly what was a loving, trusting marriage falls apart right before you and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
These moments of clarity tend to make me a man hater. I guess I am entitled to feel like that right now. Perhaps it's better to hate on all the males in the world then hate on myself?
The self-loathing is what I'm good at, though. And issues that were put on the back burner throughout the course of my marriage have crept back up with such force that they have taken over me and I accept all my flaws as truths.
I need to not do that. I need to, everyone once in a while, listen to what those people are telling me and not brush off their compliments.
Today, not only did I accept a compliment but my moment of clarity lasted well over nine hours.
What I determined as I emerged from my haze is that if given the opportunity and the temptation, a man will cheat. That husband of yours that you think is so loyal and true to you will screw you over in a second if the time is right. You think it won't happen to you? So did I.
My marriage wasn't perfect. I know that. But, it was my marriage and to me it was as perfect as it could get. We didn't enjoy the same past times but what time we didn't spend together on our own social lives we made up for in family time. We did a lot of things as a family. We were a phenomenal team. The way we handled situations as a couple were admired by our family and friends. But then this other person showed up and while I was off working overnights so our Marble's didn't have to live in day care, he was drinking on the lanai reminiscing about 1990 with his old girlfriend from high school. That's the opportunity part there. I wasn't there to monitor the situation, therefore he felt he could carry on this affair. Then the temptation came and it was all downhill. Somehow she made it seem like life with her would be so much better than life with me and he took the bait and away he went.
Any one of you could have this happen to you. All it takes is that one email or facebook friend request, one girl giving him the googly eyes at work and paying a little bit more attention to him that you are and suddenly what was a loving, trusting marriage falls apart right before you and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
These moments of clarity tend to make me a man hater. I guess I am entitled to feel like that right now. Perhaps it's better to hate on all the males in the world then hate on myself?
Monday, May 7, 2012
I'm still flip flopping between denial and depression. Only the denial now comes in the form of wondering how he could just not help me at all financially with bills. The mortgage payment is stressing me out. It's so important that it gets paid. I don't want to have another foreclosure. We worked so hard to buy this house, why would he just want to see it fall apart? This is where his children live. This is our home. Doesn't he see that? What part of his brain is allowing him to make these decisions that are so negatively affecting us?
I'm so sick of crying every day. I am so sick of hearing what my friends have done over the weekend with their families and I look around that my family that has been torn apart. I want to just stop talking to everyone because I don't really care about what anyone has going on in their lives right now. I am starting not to even care what is going on in mine. I hate myself for how I can't pull myself out of this and move forward. I hate how I look. I hate that my hair is frizzy and thighs are big and my ass is huge. I hate that flab of skin I have that is a constant reminder of how fat I was and how I still haven't reached the goal that I have been striving to achieve for years now. I have ugly hands. My chin has zits all over it. My eyes are blood shot and red and puffy because I cry nonstop.
Why did he do this to us? Why doesn't he care?
I'm so sick of crying every day. I am so sick of hearing what my friends have done over the weekend with their families and I look around that my family that has been torn apart. I want to just stop talking to everyone because I don't really care about what anyone has going on in their lives right now. I am starting not to even care what is going on in mine. I hate myself for how I can't pull myself out of this and move forward. I hate how I look. I hate that my hair is frizzy and thighs are big and my ass is huge. I hate that flab of skin I have that is a constant reminder of how fat I was and how I still haven't reached the goal that I have been striving to achieve for years now. I have ugly hands. My chin has zits all over it. My eyes are blood shot and red and puffy because I cry nonstop.
Why did he do this to us? Why doesn't he care?
Sunday, May 6, 2012
When Something Was Broken, We'd Fix It
So much for positive thinking. It's entirely too difficult to think positive when everything around me is a constant reminder of the poor choices he made.
I saw this today online:
This was us. We always fixed it.
Our marriage was not broken when he had his affair. Sure, he will tell you otherwise, but I can say with all confidence that our marriage was 100% intact. I am not sure what he felt was missing although he has run the gamut telling me all his reasons. The best one he said was the one where he told me he felt like a stay-at-home-dad because I worked nights and he had no one to talk to at night. I find this amusing because for almost eight years I was a stay-at-home-mom at his request. He was all about me staying home with the kids until the last one went to school full time and that is exactly what I did. Then, when I did get a job I needed to find one with health insurance. I found the job I currently have and the only way to make it work was for me to accept the position on nights.
When I left the house in the evening for the 14 days a month that I worked, I wasn't out gallivanting around town whoring it up with a beer in my hand. I actually was doing a very stressful job that was completely different than the stress I was used to when I was home raising the Marbles. I supplemented our income so he could have his boat, our mini vacations, nice houses and reliable cars. If me working nights was such a big deal why didn't he tell me before it got so bad for him that he had to resort to answering calls from his exgirlfriend whom he dated in 1991.
What does it take for a man to toe the line between doing what's right and having an affair? He told me that she liked to fish, go to the beach and drink beer. He knew 13 years ago I didn't enjoy any of those things. He told me that he never fell out of love with her. Yet, every time her name was ever mentioned he wasted no time talking about what a psycho she was.
My heart is completely broken and he tells me that wasn't his intention. What did he think was going to happen to me when he did these things? Did he really think I wasn't going to figure it all out? Did he really think that morning he returned home from his "fishing trip" where he didn't catch any fish, he didn't have a sunburn and he didn't take his boat that I was really buying that he indeed was in Everglades City fishing? And, I think about that friend of his who invited us to dinner one night. I went because the Marble's wanted me to go dancing with them. That friend of his knew about the affair yet looked me in the eyes and talked to me as if he was the most honest, trustworthy friend a person could have. It's amazing what kind of people there are in this world. I never thought I married a man that could so quickly turn his back on this family and move right on to another relationship.
He doesn't have to feel what being alone feels like since he jumped into things with her. He probably gets text messages from her in the morning telling him to have a good day when I was able to say it to his face. He has that reassurance that when things get bad there is someone there on his team to listen to him vent and offer a sympathetic ear. He hasn't felt that pain of feeling your heart break into a thousand tiny pieces all while still trying maintain a career and home life. He has no idea what it feels like to fall asleep at night knowing that when you wake up all the remnants of this divorce will continue to play out hour after hour, minute by minute.
When something was broken, we would fix it. He would fix it. He fixed everything. Why didn't he feel it was important enough to fix what he felt was broken in our marriage?
I saw this today online:
Our marriage was not broken when he had his affair. Sure, he will tell you otherwise, but I can say with all confidence that our marriage was 100% intact. I am not sure what he felt was missing although he has run the gamut telling me all his reasons. The best one he said was the one where he told me he felt like a stay-at-home-dad because I worked nights and he had no one to talk to at night. I find this amusing because for almost eight years I was a stay-at-home-mom at his request. He was all about me staying home with the kids until the last one went to school full time and that is exactly what I did. Then, when I did get a job I needed to find one with health insurance. I found the job I currently have and the only way to make it work was for me to accept the position on nights.
When I left the house in the evening for the 14 days a month that I worked, I wasn't out gallivanting around town whoring it up with a beer in my hand. I actually was doing a very stressful job that was completely different than the stress I was used to when I was home raising the Marbles. I supplemented our income so he could have his boat, our mini vacations, nice houses and reliable cars. If me working nights was such a big deal why didn't he tell me before it got so bad for him that he had to resort to answering calls from his exgirlfriend whom he dated in 1991.
What does it take for a man to toe the line between doing what's right and having an affair? He told me that she liked to fish, go to the beach and drink beer. He knew 13 years ago I didn't enjoy any of those things. He told me that he never fell out of love with her. Yet, every time her name was ever mentioned he wasted no time talking about what a psycho she was.
My heart is completely broken and he tells me that wasn't his intention. What did he think was going to happen to me when he did these things? Did he really think I wasn't going to figure it all out? Did he really think that morning he returned home from his "fishing trip" where he didn't catch any fish, he didn't have a sunburn and he didn't take his boat that I was really buying that he indeed was in Everglades City fishing? And, I think about that friend of his who invited us to dinner one night. I went because the Marble's wanted me to go dancing with them. That friend of his knew about the affair yet looked me in the eyes and talked to me as if he was the most honest, trustworthy friend a person could have. It's amazing what kind of people there are in this world. I never thought I married a man that could so quickly turn his back on this family and move right on to another relationship.
He doesn't have to feel what being alone feels like since he jumped into things with her. He probably gets text messages from her in the morning telling him to have a good day when I was able to say it to his face. He has that reassurance that when things get bad there is someone there on his team to listen to him vent and offer a sympathetic ear. He hasn't felt that pain of feeling your heart break into a thousand tiny pieces all while still trying maintain a career and home life. He has no idea what it feels like to fall asleep at night knowing that when you wake up all the remnants of this divorce will continue to play out hour after hour, minute by minute.
When something was broken, we would fix it. He would fix it. He fixed everything. Why didn't he feel it was important enough to fix what he felt was broken in our marriage?
An Attempt at Positivity
Maybe it's the fact that Cheat Day was today and I gorged on pretty much everything that passed in front of my mouth. Maybe it's due to the fact that I was able to get in some serious house maintenance today which included work that he would do outside the house that involved weed whipping and driving the tractor. Or maybe it's the Ambien. Whatever it is, I am determined to come up with ten things that I feel positive about starting right now (and I am going to write them in complete sentences):
1. I feel positive today because I was able to find Pink Marble an article of clothing in the size she needed at JCPenney where I have convinced myself it's the only store that sells these specific articles of clothing for women in sizes suitable for every woman's body. And Pink Marble was pleased.
2. I was asked to wash Yellow Marble's hair today while she was in the bath tub. This was something we used to do when she was younger. I'd be scrubbing her hair and ask her questions like she was at the hair salon. Today's question was, "So, did you hang out with any cool people today?" (ME! ME! Say your mom!!) She giggled and said, "Yea, Myselffffffff!" It made me laugh. We also made sure we wash all of her hair which includes, obviously, the hair on her head, her eyebrows, her back hair, her armpit hair and her chest hair. She tries to convince me every time that she doesn't have hair on her back, armpits or chest but I believe it's there and needed to be cleaned.
3. I am thankful that I was able to get the weed whipper started and was able to edge around the house and flower beds and around the palm trees. I even wore my gardening gloves. Then I charged the battery on the tractor and got it to start and cut the grass. Now, my outside looks like the Jones'.
....this is getting difficult.....
4. The Marble's have been happy all weekend because we have the Blue's dog visiting us while they are away on a mini vacation.
5. I am thankful for a new friend that I have and whom I will soon be working with that has a great, funny, positive attitude and I am looking forward for great things to happen in the months to come.
6. I feel better after reading an article on DETNEWS.com that a reporter wrote about the suicide of that football player. The reporter wrote about his own battles with depression and some of the things he talked about were things that I have felt. It made me feel like in dealing with this depression I'm not abnormal. A few things that I took away from the article was where he wrote, "With depression, there are no bright colors. A good day is a light gray or a muted blue. Most days are just gray. A bad day is pitch black."
Most of my days right now are gray. A few times a week I travel into the pitch black. I haven't seen the light gray or muted blue until today. He also discussed his philosophy, " As a working philosophy, "just get through the day," doesn't leave much room for joy or happiness or contentment or love or anything other than the relief of getting through. An unanswerable question for people like me is, "What do you do for fun?" I realized that my depression causes me not to really do anything fun. So, maybe I need to start back doing the things I enjoyed. Like running.....I'd love to start running again and maybe if I just "get through" that first one it will be the catalyst to get me through more.
7. I am happy tonight because I have my two Marble's home with me. One is in my bed snoring away and the other claimed her spot on the couch. I love having them with me. Pink Marble is spending the night at her friends house.
....I need to come up with three more....
8. I got to take a two hour nap today on the softest, whitest sheets ever. They feel like I am sleeping on the softest cotton.
9. I'm thankful the first question my mom asked me today when she called me was how I was doing. Because, even though I might sound fine on text, facebook or even just shooting the shit on the phone, I'm not fine. I'm exactly what that above article said, "Just getting through the day". But, I appreciate her asking because it shows she is thinking about me and that she cares.
10. Finally, I feel blessed that I have the most wonderful Marble's on the planet. They are my strength and they are what keeps me going. Had all this happened and I didn't have them, I would be making a lot different decisions that I am now. I hope one day they see just how much a mother can love her child and how ferocious that love can be when it gets tested.
1. I feel positive today because I was able to find Pink Marble an article of clothing in the size she needed at JCPenney where I have convinced myself it's the only store that sells these specific articles of clothing for women in sizes suitable for every woman's body. And Pink Marble was pleased.
2. I was asked to wash Yellow Marble's hair today while she was in the bath tub. This was something we used to do when she was younger. I'd be scrubbing her hair and ask her questions like she was at the hair salon. Today's question was, "So, did you hang out with any cool people today?" (ME! ME! Say your mom!!) She giggled and said, "Yea, Myselffffffff!" It made me laugh. We also made sure we wash all of her hair which includes, obviously, the hair on her head, her eyebrows, her back hair, her armpit hair and her chest hair. She tries to convince me every time that she doesn't have hair on her back, armpits or chest but I believe it's there and needed to be cleaned.
3. I am thankful that I was able to get the weed whipper started and was able to edge around the house and flower beds and around the palm trees. I even wore my gardening gloves. Then I charged the battery on the tractor and got it to start and cut the grass. Now, my outside looks like the Jones'.
....this is getting difficult.....
4. The Marble's have been happy all weekend because we have the Blue's dog visiting us while they are away on a mini vacation.
5. I am thankful for a new friend that I have and whom I will soon be working with that has a great, funny, positive attitude and I am looking forward for great things to happen in the months to come.
6. I feel better after reading an article on DETNEWS.com that a reporter wrote about the suicide of that football player. The reporter wrote about his own battles with depression and some of the things he talked about were things that I have felt. It made me feel like in dealing with this depression I'm not abnormal. A few things that I took away from the article was where he wrote, "With depression, there are no bright colors. A good day is a light gray or a muted blue. Most days are just gray. A bad day is pitch black."
Most of my days right now are gray. A few times a week I travel into the pitch black. I haven't seen the light gray or muted blue until today. He also discussed his philosophy, " As a working philosophy, "just get through the day," doesn't leave much room for joy or happiness or contentment or love or anything other than the relief of getting through. An unanswerable question for people like me is, "What do you do for fun?" I realized that my depression causes me not to really do anything fun. So, maybe I need to start back doing the things I enjoyed. Like running.....I'd love to start running again and maybe if I just "get through" that first one it will be the catalyst to get me through more.
7. I am happy tonight because I have my two Marble's home with me. One is in my bed snoring away and the other claimed her spot on the couch. I love having them with me. Pink Marble is spending the night at her friends house.
....I need to come up with three more....
8. I got to take a two hour nap today on the softest, whitest sheets ever. They feel like I am sleeping on the softest cotton.
9. I'm thankful the first question my mom asked me today when she called me was how I was doing. Because, even though I might sound fine on text, facebook or even just shooting the shit on the phone, I'm not fine. I'm exactly what that above article said, "Just getting through the day". But, I appreciate her asking because it shows she is thinking about me and that she cares.
10. Finally, I feel blessed that I have the most wonderful Marble's on the planet. They are my strength and they are what keeps me going. Had all this happened and I didn't have them, I would be making a lot different decisions that I am now. I hope one day they see just how much a mother can love her child and how ferocious that love can be when it gets tested.
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Going From Mom to The Asshole
The transition from Mom to Asshole has been a quick one. It's one I have not noticed and didn't realize it was even taking place, but it's pointed out to me on a regular basis. No, the Marble doesn't come out and say I'm an asshole but her attitude toward me is one of utter disdain.
Sometimes I get caught up wallowing in my own sadness that I forget to mention there are three Marble's that have had their entire world pulled out from underneath them. Three Daddy's Girls have gone from seeing Him every day to sporadic visits here and there when I have to go to work.
I see my Marble's every day. Even on the nights that I work I pick them up from school and in the mornings when I return home from work I sit in my den on my cute little red Ikea chair and watch out the window waiting for Him to bring them home from an overnight at his house. Blue Marble always exits his car and runs directly into my arms. I kiss her forehead and she happily marches into the house to shower for school. She refuses to shower at his house or let him pack her a lunch. The other two Marble's do not show this same affection toward me when they are leaving Him. I can see the pain in their faces when they have to say goodbye. It seems like each time they have to leave Him their hugs get longer and tighter. Yellow Marble is the youngest and perhaps the one who most craved the bonding that she had with him. It's something that I can't duplicate. It's a bond that she had with him from the time she was a baby. I can see in her face her desire to have him back in the house but also knowing that him coming back brings anger. She puts her fingers in her ears when there is yelling so she doesn't have to hear it. She used to be the happiest child. She was adaptable to any situation. Now, her tantrums are frequent and her need to be held and cuddled makes her attached to me all the time. I don't think I'm an asshole to her. I think she just goes with the flow and whatever someone says that sounds good at the time she will agree with them but for the most part she doesn't want to talk about anything.
I'm the asshole to the Pink Marble and it's apparent to everyone who is around us. Pink Marble and I have always butted heads. She is intelligent beyond her years academically and tries to interject that intelligence into her every day life. This causes the problem of her thinking she knows everything. A trait typical in her age but one that needs to be corrected when she thinks she knows everything about affairs and divorce.
I am on the fence about how much I should divulge about the situation. She knows a lot because unfortunately when he was still living here she got tossed around in the fighting and was able to understand what was going on though she didn't thoroughly comprehend the magnitude of what was to come. Now that the situation is brimming over with tension, hostility and pain she has found that blaming me for all the worlds problems somehow negates the fact that her dad left our family for a girl he dated he dated in high school and thus had an affair on his wife (her mom) after a good twelve years of marriage.
He brings this woman around my Marble's and all of a sudden Pink Marble sees unicorn, cotton candy and rainbows. Suddenly, the woman who, after given two chances by me to leave my husband the FUCK ALONE decided it wasn't her responsibility to do that kept answering His calls to her knowing his marriage was fragile. I still believe that had she been a decent woman and hung up the phone and let Him figure things out with me, then him and I wouldn't be in this situation. And, I know this from experience. I know what it's like to have a hurting wife come to you and say, "Back off". I know what it feels like to then have anger for being told to back off and how it feels to let that anger stew. I also know how it feels to back off and allow a marriage that was balancing on sand attempt to reform and turn into stone. It can't be done when a third person is involved. It took me a while to fully grasp what I might have been doing in my friendship with one person, was causing pain in my other friendship. I am a good person. I never want to hurt anyone least of all people who I consider family. It was a no brainer for me to step out of the picture for months to allow these two friends of mine the chance to repair or sever this marriage. However it was going to play out, it was not my place to be involved.
I wished that this woman would have done the same thing because then I wouldn't have one Marble thinking I'm the Asshole because I want her home on a weekend that his skank was is in town. What Pink Marble fails to understand and I know that she is too young to really know how a marriage works but in explaining it to her, Pink Marble needs to understand that when a wife/mother says to a woman who is compromising the marriage to get the fuck away for a while, that woman should do just that. But, here's the thing, this woman couldn't because she had no one to go back to . She failed at her own marriage and then decided to come fuck with mine. In the process of her fucking with my marriage she also meddled her way into fucking with my Marble's and a mothers love is something fierce (isn't it Sandra?) and I will be God Damned if I allow my Marble's any additional seconds in the presence of that Home Wrecker than the court is going to allow. Quite frankly I hope the court sees what he has done and sees how he has exposed our Marble's to this terrible situation.
In the meantime, while I am left picking up the pieces of my marriage, I am also left trying to convince my beautiful, round faced, blue eyes hidden in black framed glasses Pink Marble that my love for her is not conditional on anything. I want her to know that it's ok to like this woman or like the fact that he is happy with her. But, it's not ok to think I'm an Asshole because I don't. It's also not ok to mull around the house with a scowl on your face because you can't spend more weekends with him. The weekends he doesn't have the Marble's he has been flying to Michigan and the weekends he does have them this woman is in town. I am sure they are having a lovely bonding time with her being in the picture. I am sure they are on the road to healing when they have to share a small condo with a complete stranger.
But, I'm the asshole even though their rooms are tidy when they get home, their lunches are made, their clothes are clean, there is food in the fridge. Pink Marble has a bag of Teryaki beef jerky waiting for her in the morning. Yellow Marble has her milk. Blue Marble her bagels. I know how each one of them likes their lunches and the right way to put them in their bags. I tell them how beautiful they are and how proud I am of them in all the things they have achieved this year. I am their biggest protector when it comes to things that they need to be protected about and I will fight for them whether they want that fight or not. But, somehow, doing these things makes me the Asshole.
I didn't run out on my family for a girl who I met on facebook. I didn't promise my wife i'd work things out and in tears reconcile only to be back in this affair-mode the next day. I didn't grab a gray suitcase and storm out of the house with the Marble's standing there screaming for me not to leave. In fact, I was the one wiping the tears, holding them in my arms and comforting them the entire weekend he left and no one knew where he was.
I'm sick of being the Asshole. I hope one day these Marble's will realize that i was hurting too through all of this. That I was new at divorce just like they are and i was just trying to do the best that I knew how to do at that time. If being the best mom I can be in the wake of my depression gets me one gigantic hug a day, I'd take being called The Asshole because I know my Marble's and they know I love my hugs, and when I have them in my arms they know they're safe. I'll be the Asshole until I am sure that all their needs have been met and I will stop at nothing to protect them from toxic people in their lives.
Sometimes I get caught up wallowing in my own sadness that I forget to mention there are three Marble's that have had their entire world pulled out from underneath them. Three Daddy's Girls have gone from seeing Him every day to sporadic visits here and there when I have to go to work.
I see my Marble's every day. Even on the nights that I work I pick them up from school and in the mornings when I return home from work I sit in my den on my cute little red Ikea chair and watch out the window waiting for Him to bring them home from an overnight at his house. Blue Marble always exits his car and runs directly into my arms. I kiss her forehead and she happily marches into the house to shower for school. She refuses to shower at his house or let him pack her a lunch. The other two Marble's do not show this same affection toward me when they are leaving Him. I can see the pain in their faces when they have to say goodbye. It seems like each time they have to leave Him their hugs get longer and tighter. Yellow Marble is the youngest and perhaps the one who most craved the bonding that she had with him. It's something that I can't duplicate. It's a bond that she had with him from the time she was a baby. I can see in her face her desire to have him back in the house but also knowing that him coming back brings anger. She puts her fingers in her ears when there is yelling so she doesn't have to hear it. She used to be the happiest child. She was adaptable to any situation. Now, her tantrums are frequent and her need to be held and cuddled makes her attached to me all the time. I don't think I'm an asshole to her. I think she just goes with the flow and whatever someone says that sounds good at the time she will agree with them but for the most part she doesn't want to talk about anything.
I'm the asshole to the Pink Marble and it's apparent to everyone who is around us. Pink Marble and I have always butted heads. She is intelligent beyond her years academically and tries to interject that intelligence into her every day life. This causes the problem of her thinking she knows everything. A trait typical in her age but one that needs to be corrected when she thinks she knows everything about affairs and divorce.
I am on the fence about how much I should divulge about the situation. She knows a lot because unfortunately when he was still living here she got tossed around in the fighting and was able to understand what was going on though she didn't thoroughly comprehend the magnitude of what was to come. Now that the situation is brimming over with tension, hostility and pain she has found that blaming me for all the worlds problems somehow negates the fact that her dad left our family for a girl he dated he dated in high school and thus had an affair on his wife (her mom) after a good twelve years of marriage.
He brings this woman around my Marble's and all of a sudden Pink Marble sees unicorn, cotton candy and rainbows. Suddenly, the woman who, after given two chances by me to leave my husband the FUCK ALONE decided it wasn't her responsibility to do that kept answering His calls to her knowing his marriage was fragile. I still believe that had she been a decent woman and hung up the phone and let Him figure things out with me, then him and I wouldn't be in this situation. And, I know this from experience. I know what it's like to have a hurting wife come to you and say, "Back off". I know what it feels like to then have anger for being told to back off and how it feels to let that anger stew. I also know how it feels to back off and allow a marriage that was balancing on sand attempt to reform and turn into stone. It can't be done when a third person is involved. It took me a while to fully grasp what I might have been doing in my friendship with one person, was causing pain in my other friendship. I am a good person. I never want to hurt anyone least of all people who I consider family. It was a no brainer for me to step out of the picture for months to allow these two friends of mine the chance to repair or sever this marriage. However it was going to play out, it was not my place to be involved.
I wished that this woman would have done the same thing because then I wouldn't have one Marble thinking I'm the Asshole because I want her home on a weekend that his skank was is in town. What Pink Marble fails to understand and I know that she is too young to really know how a marriage works but in explaining it to her, Pink Marble needs to understand that when a wife/mother says to a woman who is compromising the marriage to get the fuck away for a while, that woman should do just that. But, here's the thing, this woman couldn't because she had no one to go back to . She failed at her own marriage and then decided to come fuck with mine. In the process of her fucking with my marriage she also meddled her way into fucking with my Marble's and a mothers love is something fierce (isn't it Sandra?) and I will be God Damned if I allow my Marble's any additional seconds in the presence of that Home Wrecker than the court is going to allow. Quite frankly I hope the court sees what he has done and sees how he has exposed our Marble's to this terrible situation.
In the meantime, while I am left picking up the pieces of my marriage, I am also left trying to convince my beautiful, round faced, blue eyes hidden in black framed glasses Pink Marble that my love for her is not conditional on anything. I want her to know that it's ok to like this woman or like the fact that he is happy with her. But, it's not ok to think I'm an Asshole because I don't. It's also not ok to mull around the house with a scowl on your face because you can't spend more weekends with him. The weekends he doesn't have the Marble's he has been flying to Michigan and the weekends he does have them this woman is in town. I am sure they are having a lovely bonding time with her being in the picture. I am sure they are on the road to healing when they have to share a small condo with a complete stranger.
But, I'm the asshole even though their rooms are tidy when they get home, their lunches are made, their clothes are clean, there is food in the fridge. Pink Marble has a bag of Teryaki beef jerky waiting for her in the morning. Yellow Marble has her milk. Blue Marble her bagels. I know how each one of them likes their lunches and the right way to put them in their bags. I tell them how beautiful they are and how proud I am of them in all the things they have achieved this year. I am their biggest protector when it comes to things that they need to be protected about and I will fight for them whether they want that fight or not. But, somehow, doing these things makes me the Asshole.
I didn't run out on my family for a girl who I met on facebook. I didn't promise my wife i'd work things out and in tears reconcile only to be back in this affair-mode the next day. I didn't grab a gray suitcase and storm out of the house with the Marble's standing there screaming for me not to leave. In fact, I was the one wiping the tears, holding them in my arms and comforting them the entire weekend he left and no one knew where he was.
I'm sick of being the Asshole. I hope one day these Marble's will realize that i was hurting too through all of this. That I was new at divorce just like they are and i was just trying to do the best that I knew how to do at that time. If being the best mom I can be in the wake of my depression gets me one gigantic hug a day, I'd take being called The Asshole because I know my Marble's and they know I love my hugs, and when I have them in my arms they know they're safe. I'll be the Asshole until I am sure that all their needs have been met and I will stop at nothing to protect them from toxic people in their lives.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
Stuck in Reverse. Again.
I'm giving him a lot of my energy. I spend countless hours mulling over the things I used to do for him and how I am reminded that I am not doing those things anymore. I used to keep two baskets in our linen closet in the bathroom each one containing our underwear. It's silly to discuss on here, but I'd see his underwear basket everyday and as the pairs dwindled down and only his least favorite pairs remained, I started up the washer to make sure his favorite ones were clean. I find myself wondering if his favorite ones are clean today.
I very much enjoyed being a wife and mother. Those two things were the things I set out to do in life. Ask my friends when we were younger and it was a no brainer that I was going to be the first of us to get married and have children. And sure enough I was. I spent eight years at home raising my Marble's and taking care of the house. I took care of him too. I thought I did at least. I guess I didn't hold up my end of the bargain.
I started dealing with some major issues after my grandpa passed away in 2008. The loss of him changed me deeply and changed how I viewed death in general. As my grandpa was entering the last stage of Alzheimer's I flew up to Michigan to visit him in the hospital and stayed for three weeks. I was told that he wouldn't know who I was so I prepared myself for that and upon entering his hospital room he was calling out to the nurses, "Rita. Rita??" Rita was my grandma. He thought the nurses were her taking care of him. I sat down at this bedside and he had no clue who I was. I talked to him like I would have talked to him any other time before the Alzheimer's took over and as we spoke he was wadding up the blanket on his bed into a very tightly wound square. After a while, when the blanket was wrapped tight and neatly he turned to me, handed me the blanket and said, "Here Bug, go put this in the shed." I was his Bug. I worked with him in his shed. He knew it was me sitting there.
The last time I saw my grandpa was about a week later and I was again sitting in his hospital room this time with my mom and he was talking to me about helping him change a tire on a car that was out in the hallway of the hospital. The Alzheimer's took over his amazing mind and left him disorientated and confused. I told him I'd help him change the tire. I asked him if he wanted me to go into his shed and get his tools. It was easier for me to go along with his delusions then try to tell him that there was no car in the hallway of the hospital and that all his tools were no longer available to him. I knew that day that I was going to be returning to Florida and that it was going to be the last time I saw him alive. I cried in my moms arms in the hallway of the hospital after my emotional goodbye to my grandpa and I never laid eyes on him again.
About two weeks later I got a call at my work that he had passed away. When I returned home from work, I feel into the arms of my husband and cried. His warm embrace was just what I needed at that moment when I had lost the most wonderful man in my life. He stayed up almost the entire night with me and I laid with my head on my chest, my tears wetting the skin on his chest. He stroked my head and comforted me. That was the last time that I felt sadness until this situation with the divorce. Only now when I cry, he isn't here to hold me. I don't even think he cares that I am crying daily about all of this. He tells me hurting me was never his intention, but what did he think this was going to do to me? Once my grandpa died, my husband was the only man left in my life to play the role of protector, caregiver, companion. But, how he's gone too.
I have cried so much lately that my eyes are constantly red and puffy. I look and feel like shit. All I want to do is take my medication and sleep in hopes that the next day I wake up something will be different. I know my reality is that I will end up going through tomorrow just as lost as I have gone through the last several months. It is complete and total bewilderment. Life now is sadness. Moving on feels like an insurmountable task.
I very much enjoyed being a wife and mother. Those two things were the things I set out to do in life. Ask my friends when we were younger and it was a no brainer that I was going to be the first of us to get married and have children. And sure enough I was. I spent eight years at home raising my Marble's and taking care of the house. I took care of him too. I thought I did at least. I guess I didn't hold up my end of the bargain.
I started dealing with some major issues after my grandpa passed away in 2008. The loss of him changed me deeply and changed how I viewed death in general. As my grandpa was entering the last stage of Alzheimer's I flew up to Michigan to visit him in the hospital and stayed for three weeks. I was told that he wouldn't know who I was so I prepared myself for that and upon entering his hospital room he was calling out to the nurses, "Rita. Rita??" Rita was my grandma. He thought the nurses were her taking care of him. I sat down at this bedside and he had no clue who I was. I talked to him like I would have talked to him any other time before the Alzheimer's took over and as we spoke he was wadding up the blanket on his bed into a very tightly wound square. After a while, when the blanket was wrapped tight and neatly he turned to me, handed me the blanket and said, "Here Bug, go put this in the shed." I was his Bug. I worked with him in his shed. He knew it was me sitting there.
The last time I saw my grandpa was about a week later and I was again sitting in his hospital room this time with my mom and he was talking to me about helping him change a tire on a car that was out in the hallway of the hospital. The Alzheimer's took over his amazing mind and left him disorientated and confused. I told him I'd help him change the tire. I asked him if he wanted me to go into his shed and get his tools. It was easier for me to go along with his delusions then try to tell him that there was no car in the hallway of the hospital and that all his tools were no longer available to him. I knew that day that I was going to be returning to Florida and that it was going to be the last time I saw him alive. I cried in my moms arms in the hallway of the hospital after my emotional goodbye to my grandpa and I never laid eyes on him again.
About two weeks later I got a call at my work that he had passed away. When I returned home from work, I feel into the arms of my husband and cried. His warm embrace was just what I needed at that moment when I had lost the most wonderful man in my life. He stayed up almost the entire night with me and I laid with my head on my chest, my tears wetting the skin on his chest. He stroked my head and comforted me. That was the last time that I felt sadness until this situation with the divorce. Only now when I cry, he isn't here to hold me. I don't even think he cares that I am crying daily about all of this. He tells me hurting me was never his intention, but what did he think this was going to do to me? Once my grandpa died, my husband was the only man left in my life to play the role of protector, caregiver, companion. But, how he's gone too.
I have cried so much lately that my eyes are constantly red and puffy. I look and feel like shit. All I want to do is take my medication and sleep in hopes that the next day I wake up something will be different. I know my reality is that I will end up going through tomorrow just as lost as I have gone through the last several months. It is complete and total bewilderment. Life now is sadness. Moving on feels like an insurmountable task.
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