My Heart Belongs to Cheat Day

I've been on this diet about four months now. A diet that started out pretty rigid and took some getting used to but has slowly become a way of life for me and not really a diet. When asked, "What kind of diet are you on?" I just want to start jawing away at this new way I've found to eat. But really people only want a one or two word answer: Weight Watchers, Adkins, South Beach, Nutrisystem, low carb, low calorie, low fat. My "diet" isn't that simple. And it's amazing to me that my body is working the way that it does with the foods I put into it.

Without boring the crap out of you by sounding preachy or on a soapbox i will just say that I eat high (VERY HIGH) protein and low metabolic carbs. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, depends on what you know about carbs. Not all carbs are bad. Not all bad carbs are super bad. Eating all bads carbs all the time, not exercising and having Snickers bars smeared on your face is going to keep you overweight. But, if you eat carbs that are good for you and metabolize slowly in your system then it takes longer for them to work through your body. The high protein is what keeps me feeling full. I used to be a big high fiber person because it's been said that eating high fiber keeps you full. But the ramifications that come with eating high fiber include my stomach bloating out like an alien and stinky farts. No one wants to be around that shit.

So... now my husband just came in the room and I totally lost my train of thought. He is bound to turn on the TV and then I will get sucked into Hoarders and never get to the point. If I even had one.

Bottom line: Saturday's are my cheat days because all the crap I eat throws off the metabolism in my body and my body is like, "What the heck are you doing here? We have been so happy with what you have been putting into me and now you go and eat Ben and Jerry's Heath bar ice cream????" And I laugh and stuff fistfulls of sinful goodness into my mouth for a 24 hour period and then it's back on track the next day.

She's Going the Distance....

Melinda Mae by Shel Silverstein

Have you heard of tiny Melinda Mae,
Who ate a monstrous whale?
She thought she could,
She said she would,
So she started in right at the tail.
And everyone said,"You're much too small,"
But that didn't bother Melinda at all,
She took little bites and she chewed very slow,
Just like a good girl should...
...and in eighty-nine years she ate that whale
Because she said she would!

There is something to say about Melinda Mae eating the monstrous whale. She set out to do something and even though it took her a reeeeeeeeeeally long time she did it because she said she would. This poem to me is two-fold. One, it talks about literally doing something you said you were going to do and doing it. And keeping your word. Second, goal setting no matter how long it takes.

I am big advocate of keeping your word. If I say I am going to do something, I do it. I'm reliable like that. And I had said I was going to run four miles and I did. Now, don't get me wrong it sucked the entire time I was doing it. Again, another complete and total mind fuck where my brain was trying to convince my body that I wasn't able to keep going. I ended up focusing on this silver knob on one of the weight machines to concentrate to get my head in the game. This isn't the best idea when there is someone on the machine and you're running with this intense look on your face, staring in their direction, face red as a beet and breathing heavy. I hope the old guy knew I was really determined to run the four miles and not oddly checking him out.

Four miles is the longest distance I have ran so far and I am working my way up to a 10k. For those of you who don't know how far a 10k is it's like a million miles. Ok, maybe not that far. More like 6 1/2 miles. For someone who at the beginning of the year didn't even know how to run, I've come a long way. I appreciate all the supportive people I have and the great networks of friends that encourage me and inspire me.

I'm going to keep trying to run four miles for a few weeks and try to get a decent time, where then I will work up to five miles... then six.. then six and a half.... and maybe by the time I get to the 10k, it will be time to run the Cops and Joggers 5k in October and I will be the leader of the pack. Ok, let's be realistic here.....I might not be the leader, but I won't be at the very end either! The one in the middle is the green kangaroo. I'm cool with being a green kangaroo.

Won't Be Running Today

I try to run at least five days a week. The days I don't run I still attempt to maintain a healthy diet. It gets hard to run on the days when I work back-to-back but an effort is made whenever I can make the effort.

I'm really going to try to make my next goal to be able to run 4 miles. I know I can do it. I've run a little over three miles so many times by doing the 5k and I am going to work my way up to a 10k. I struggled for months trying to determine whether I should try to go faster or longer distance. I would ask people their opinion and I got varying answers. So, I would try to just push myself harder which inevitably meant I ran faster. But, now I am thinking I am going to slow it down a bit and attempt to just run a consistent pace, thus allowing myself the endurance to run farther not so much as faster.

I figured it is time in my workout regime to also bump up how long I work out. I attempted to work out for an hour a few weeks ago but after I'd run a 5k the last thing I felt like doing was hopping on another machine and working out for another 20-25 minutes. I would end up just grabbing my stuff and heading out the door of the gym. I got to thinking that a good way to get me to stay longer is to run farther. So, next time at the gym my goal is four miles in an undetermined amount of minutes but I am thinking I can probably do it in about 45 minutes. But we will see..... Wish me luck.

The Trials and Tribulations of Flabby Skin

Before I dive into this post, I want to praise my dearest friend Raphie for the completion of her first 5k. I am so proud of her and her motivation to get out there and pound the pavement. I know what it feels like to cross the finish line for the first time, and I only wish I would have been there to grab her up in my arms and give her the biggest squeeze a proud friend could give her. Determination and motivation lead to inspiration and action. Keep running, Raph.

I'm creeping up on this 100 lbs weight loss, I think. The scale has a mind of its own but assuming I'm like 13lbs away, there is 87lbs worth of stretched out skin and flab that is wondering where all its filler went. Because of the way my body has morphed, I wear Spanx every.single.day. People often say to me that they can't believe that I wear them all day, every day for well over 12 hours at a time some days and I wonder why they find this so remarkable. The main reason I wear them is because if I don't any shirt I wear makes an indentation where my belly button is and you can see that my belly button is roughly four inches long in an skinny oval shape with skin hanging over it so you really can't see the "button" just the "belly". The Spanx smooth out the tummy area eliminating the dreaded oblong belly button indent and the muffin top. My self consciousness is crazy when it comes to those two things. I don't want to look at it and I am sure no one else wants to look at it either.

Another reason I wear Spanx is because when I run the skin dances all over me. It wiggles to the left and right. Up and down. Up, right, down, left, circles, zig zag....all about. Spanx bind me in and I don't feel that movement. They're a necessity for running. However, when all the skin is all bunched up and squeezed into a set of super control top nylons, the skin gets unhappy. Imagine taking a partially filled water balloon and trying to stuff it into a baby's tube sock. It's not an easy task and though it might fit, it's going to meet with some resistance. Well, when my skin resists the Spanx I get little sores, chaffing, Spanx burns on my hips, under my stomach flab and around my back. These unsightly, often painful, abrasions are reminders to me that one day I will have all this excessive skin removed via a tummy tuck.

I have stopped really talking about having the surgery because I know it's not going to happen this year. Probably not next year either. I will most likely hit my 100lbs weight loss goal and not see a surgeon for the skin issue for years after my milestone. But, the reason I want it done is always marked on my body. I see it in the morning before I go to sleep for the night. I see it before I get into the shower. I dab the blood off it when I strip down out of my Spanx after a rigorous run. And I think about these blemishes going away one day and maybe I will have a body I will be happy to show off without stuffing it into a nude colored binding apparatus day after day.

Where I Was, Where I Am Now.

This blog was set up to chronicle my journey in this never ending battle with weight loss but sometimes other things creep up in our lives that affect our motivation, determination or self esteem.

I spent the majority of my mid twenties up until now overweight. During my mid to late twenties I was a very angry person. I felt terrible about myself, the way I looked and the surroundings I found myself in. I was a stay-at-home mom scrambling to raise three little kids while my marriage and financial stability was crumbling away. I was angry at everyone. I was angry at people who didn't deserve my anger to be directed at them. I spent more time being pissed off at everyone and everything that I lost focus of the person I was and who I wanted my children to be.

Self esteem wasn't in my vocabulary. And when you feel like shit, you act like shit, you treat people like shit and your whole world turns to shit. I hated who I was and what was going on around me. The time I wasted being angry at people and bullying others had my entire family divided.

Then I took hold of things and decided to make changes. With those changes came a new found respect for myself and those around me. When I became happier, my husband became happier. When I became happier, my children were happier. When I became happier, good things started to happen.

I think a part of my happiness came in my weight loss. And since I have really been putting my heart and soul into running, I notice I use it as an outlet for my anger. I run when I'm frustrated with something. I run when I am stressed out. I run when I feel sad. The day my Grandma died I had one of my best runs. It is therapeutic for me. After running I feel so much better and because I use it as an outlet for all my emotions I found that things bother me less. My husband and I communicate more effectively. I care more about things and people around me.

I know there are some people in my life that are going through hard times. They are at their wits end with things and find solace in talking to me about their issues. I listen, attempt to mentor and offer advice if I can. But one thing I'd like to say to those people is when you're feeling stressed out, when that one phone call makes you want to rip your hair out, when all you feel like you want to do is direct your anger at some innocent person because the person you're really mad at isn't there to vent to put on your tennis shoes and run. Run hard. Hit the pavement with all your might. Run fast. Eventually things will turn around and not only will you notice changes in your life you will notice them in your body too!

If you don't believe me, watch this video.

Your Best Friend Can Sometimes Be A Treadmill

There is only one treadmill at the gym that likes me. It's off to the side, in the second row, well out of sight from anyone who I might know that could enter through the gym doors and see the sweat dropping off my arms and face. This treadmill likes me because when I set the speed, it actually goes that speed. Some of the treadmills go faster than the speed I want, while others are slow and loud. But, this particular treadmill and I have a special connection. It's always open. It was the one I ran on the day my grandma died. It was the one I was running on when I face planted. And, it was the one I was on when I ran my personal best 5k at 34:32 minutes.

There are a few reasons why this milestone means so much to me. For one, I had set a goal a few months back when I ran the Cape Cops 5k to do it in 37 minutes. That was in May. After that run I had an epiphany; I realized that a friend of mine who didn't train at all had run the same distance three minutes slower than me. Here I was training my ass off to reach this goal, and really it wasn't that fantastic. So, I set my goals higher. Because, at this point I need goals. You need goals too. You can't just jump on a machine without having something in your head that you want to reach whether it's to do 30 minutes, go a certain distance or just make sure you look cute while you're trotting along on the treadmill. I've given up on the latter. So, my goal now is to run a 5k in roughly around a 33 minute mark. I know I can do this because I have several months to continue training for the one in October, it's just keep up the motivation to get to the gym and workout.

So far that stupid number on the scale hasn't moved. Not even one little black line over closer to the left. I just lingers there, taunting me, waving its stupid red arm over that same numeric until I get frustrated, kick the scale and shove it back in the towel closet. I wish I could vow never to get it out again, but I can't make that promise. I'm neurotic about the number.

Now it's picture time. I sent a few pictures to my friend who asked for an ass shot. Only a select few would get such a picture and I'm not confident enough about my ass to post a snapshot of it to this blog. I don't know who is reading it. Probably no one. But, to give you an idea of where I was a few months ago and what a little sweat, determination and goal setting can get me here is a comparison:

Ok, here's me and TGIM about a year ago when I wasn't as dedicated to my running as I should have been. I'm wearing a size ten pants but as you can see, they're begging for some room around my thigh area. Cute shoes, though, right?
So, here's me a few days ago. Pink Marble took 360 degree shots of me, but this one shows the thigh and I just want it noticed that it does look smaller, right? RIGHT????

I'm looking forward to the day when I can post my 100 lbs weight loss picture on this blog and then everyone can applaud my accomplishment and send me gifts, perhaps pay for my tummy tuck and put me on the cover of People Magazine.

No, I Didn't Run Away

Things have been crazy busy around here lately. Visitors. Summer Break. Work. But, I am keeping up with my workouts and finding that I am enjoying cross training. One day I am on the stair master. Another day I am on the elliptical. And yet, another day I am running on the treadmill.

I have been reading that incorporating sprinting into your workout is a great way to boost your metabolism and burn more calories. So, I have started doing that while I am on the treadmill. Granted, sprinting is probably easier to do outside on the regular pavement but I have figured out a way to do it on the treadmill that seems to be efficient.

I start my normal one minute walk while adjusting my headphones, getting my playlist going and turning on the fan and track view setting on the treadmill. Then I up to the speed to about 5.7 and jog for about five minutes to get my muscles warmed up and my head in the game. Then I bump the speed up to 6.0 and watch on the Track View screen until I noticed I am round the curve on the track which pretty much is a computerized track you'd see going around a football field. When I am at the curve, I jump up to 7.5 and haul ass to the quarter, half or mile mark. I do this at every curve I come to switching up walking and jogging in between sprints. Doing this I have cut over a minute off my 5k time. Which I am now down to less than 36 minutes. Yea me!

Motivation is the one thing that I find is the hardest part of running. Getting my ass to the gym and feeling the desire to be there it a mindfuck all the time. I constantly have to remind myself why I am doing it and how good the outcome is going to be. A long time ago when I first started Weight Watchers I was given a quote which read, "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." I think about this phrase often and I wholeheartedly believe it. Since, I started working out up to five days a week, I have found there is a small boost in my self esteem. Clothes fit a little better. I feel healthier. I notice a change in my body. That damn scale still says that same stupid three numbers and I am thinking there might be some sort of meaning behind those numbers. I just can't quite figure it out. Perhaps I need to play them in the lottery?

It would be nice to have someone to work out with and anytime anyone wants to join me in a run, I am always eager to have someone run along side me. Last time I was at the gym I chose a treadmill next to a girl who looked about my age that was running on her treadmill. I figured I could run alongside her and pretend she was one of my friends and we were working out together. Then about three minutes into my warm-up she took off. Bitch!