Kicked Myself in the Ass

I knew it was time for me to do something because I couldn't linger in my sadness anymore.  I couldn't stand myself and I knew other people couldn't stand me either.  So, along with my list of things that I needed to actively do to get myself going again like settle my divorce, go back to school and exercise there were also many, many mental things that coincided with that list.

I took my usual seat on my lanai one night after the girls had gone to bed in late January and compiled another list:

 things I needed to give up in order to be happy

1.  Excuses - I had an excuse for everything. And, I refused to let go of anything.  I had a reason for hanging on and digging my nails in.  I had an excuse and I was ready to pounce and fight and argue if someone was to challenge me on it.

2.  Doing Nothing - I was basically like a hamster running around in its wheel.  It might have looked like I was doing something but I really was just going around in circles.  It was exhausting.  I had to decide to change my perspective.  Change my mind from negative to positive thinking.  I had to stop being filled with insecurity and doubt.  I had to realize that I needed to take an active part in my life.

3.  Over thinking and Worrying about EVERYTHING - I was good at this.  In fact, I was the best.  My fears had me looking too deep into things, it created problems, it didn't fix them.  I would think and think and think, and thought myself right out of happiness a thousand times over, and never once into it.  Worrying didn't take away tomorrow’s troubles, it took away today’s peace and potential for me.

4. Not Giving the People Around me a Chance - I regret this every day.  I still regret it even after I have had months to learn from all the things I should have been paying attention to months and months ago.  But, when you know better you do better.  I know better now.  I will do better and I have opened my ears and everything that was said was right.

5.  My Pride - “A proud person is always looking down on things and other people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something beautiful that is above you.” CS Lewis.  Or maybe instead of "pride" I could just say "being an absolute bitch".  Either way, I knew I needed to give up my pride.  I wasn't going to be able to stay in my home.  I wasn't going to be able to keep my car.  I wasn't going to be able to maintain the lifestyle I had and oh well. My happiness and The Marbles happiness was more important.  Once I came to that conclusion, I felt lighter and I seemed nicer.

So, I noticed that when I stopped doing all the wrong things I gave the right things a chance to start.  It hasn't been easy and it's something that I have had to be conscious of every day.  But, I also have little reminders here and there that I am doing good.  I take the time to tell myself that I am proud of the accomplishments that I have made.  They might not be big ones, but to me they're huge.

My Marathon

These last few weeks have felt like the end of a marathon.  TGIM and I have communicated effectively on so many levels that it amazes me that we weren't able to do this years ago.  The dynamic that we shared as a married couple to get things done re-emerged with the negotiations of the settlement agreement and it was almost like old times yet we were on opposite teams this time.

It's lonely standing on the sidelines without your Head Coach.  It's hard staring across the field and seeing him standing on the other side with his own game plan and not having a clue what his strategy is but knowing you have to be one step ahead and two steps faster to beat him at the game.  Unfortunately, that is what the end of this divorce turned into was a game of who could out negotiate the other.  If you know me and you know my debating skills, you can bet I won.

However, as He and I went back and forth with four revisions of the Marital Settlement and close to fifteen revisions to the Parenting Plan, I have to admit that neither one of us yelled, cursed, talked over, put down, degraded, argued loudly or fought about what the other wanted.  It was as if we both decided to just lay down our swords.  Me more so than him.

So, when it was all said and done, I finally signed the last of my divorce papers on Friday.  It was the final chapter in this long drawn out process.  The secretary at my lawyers office asked me how I felt about it and I told her I was glad it's over.  I guess I don't really have any more feeling toward it because TGIM and I have been living apart for two years now and it feels like we have been unmarried for that long anyway.  It was just a piece of paper that was legally keeping us married and several financial decisions that needed to be decided.  I guess it was just the decision making process of being on separate teams that struck me as being sad.  But, frankly, the fact that my marriage is over and in just a couple weeks when the judge signs the final judgement and I will no longer be married to him has no positive or negative feelings on me. 

Up until about a week ago I felt that I needed to say a lot of things to both TGIM and C to clean the slate and bring closure to the part of my life where I maybe didn't handle relationships all that well.  I have spent a lot of time over the last several months determining what it is that makes me happy and how I need to apply those things to my life.  I laid the groundwork for how I need to treat myself, my children and other people so I can be a happy, productive person.  I need to show up in my life every day and participate in it in a positive way.  That is something I am fully aware that for many years I never did.  I don't think if I said that I was sorry to TGIM and that I was completely absent for several years of our marriage it would matter because what is done is done. I can't go back and change the past and as much as I would like to know then what I know now, I only can learn from those past experiences and choose not to do them again with anyone else.  Unfortunately, when I met C that realization had not come yet and he didn't quite stand a chance with me.  With him, I wasn't ready to move on in a relationship and I have a lot to say to him about that.  He has let me know that he has no interest in hearing any of what I have to say, and that's fine.  I have made peace with the fact that I was a different person who had some unresolved issues and misdirected anger. I have dealt with those things and will not let them define me anymore.  I don't have to apologize or explain myself anymore to two people whom I loved to complete this process in my life.

I am closing this book.  I putting it on the shelf.  I am never going to read it again.
I am different now.  I am neither defined my by marriage nor my break-ups.  I am stronger because of what I have gone through.  I am divorced.