Sifting Through the Rubble

Some days I can see the big picture and I know that at some point my life will pan out and things will be ok.  But most days I live in the narrow scope of what my reality is:  financial stress, heart ache from divorce, turmoil of relationships, guilt of motherhood and wondering when busting my ass at work will bring me any sort of success.  I live every day wondering how the fuck I'm going to do this?  How am I going to pay for that?  What are my Marbles or me going to go without this week so I can pay whatever was past due last week?  I realize that this is going to be my life for the long term.  I don't see it getting better any time soon.  In fact, I see it being just this stagnant for quite some time. 

With two years creeping up since I filed for divorce there is so much that needs to be heard before a judge it's hard to even keep straight.  The most important thing to me is that when I look back at the settlement years from now, I don't regret that I didn't do something.  I want to make sure that I have dotted every "i" and crossed every "t", but there always seems to be more shit that gets added to his already Mt. Rushmore size heaping pile of divorce shit that sifting through it makes me cringe all too often.

The latest saga in the never-ending divorce battle is my decision to stop paying the mortgage that He never brought current per the court order and now him deciding to no longer pay child support and alimony to me.  This makes my blood boil.  I don't understand why He thinks he makes the rules and calls the shots?  Maybe it's because he hasn't been held accountable for anything therefore since he hasn't been forced by the court to do anything, then why should he *have* to do anything.

I feel like I am still stuck in neutral because nothing with this divorce is going anywhere.  I am still living in flux.  How does one move on or start fresh or get off the porch when they're being weighed on by the reality of what their life is today?  Where am I supposed to muster the strength to throw a thumbs up, slap on a smile and press on when I'm wiping the tears from my eyes as I'm pulling into the parking lot of work on a Monday morning? 

I bet employers don't even realize that their very own employees call out sick not because they're ill but because they can't afford the gas to drive in to work.  I bet employers don't know that their very own people that they hand a gun and a badge to and say, "Go protect our County" go home at night and eat a can of green beans because that's all they have in the house to eat and payday isn't for another two days.  No one realized the other day when I had to pay the last of the money I had for my water pump that I didn't eat dinner the next day because I had no money for food.  I lied to the Marble's and told them I had a big lunch when in fact, I had not eaten lunch either.  I fear my life will be like this for longer than I can handle it and I wonder if throwing in the towel will seem like the best option and I will just let Him have the win.

Two Zero One Three

Another year has gone by and the divorce has continued to move through 2013 and will enter into 2014 just as unresolved as it was when He sat on the lanai in November of 2011 and told me he was leaving.  There is no resolution to the assets, no resolution to the debts, only an oral agreement with the "Shared Parenting Responsibility" and I feel like everything in my life has been thrown up in the air and is still just hanging there above my head in limbo.

My friends and family tell me that I don't know how strong I am and they're right I don't because I don't feel strong.  I feel like I just go through the motions of doing what I have to do to manage what I have to manage at the time it needs to be managed.  It's not strength.  It's muddling through the mucky waters because that's the path I'm on and what other choice do I have but just keep wading through it?

This past year was less about the shock of HIM leaving and more about the process to figure out how I was going to move on instead of hold on.  I had to let go. 

I had to let go of the anger that was eating away at me.

    The anger was a security blanket for me.  I felt I was entitled to the anger because look what He did to me.  Look what He did to us.  I had a right to be angry.  I let it consume me to the point where being angry trickled into my work, my attitude, my body language, my driving, the way I handled my Marble's.  I was mean to everyone.  I directed my anger at people and things that I had no business directing anger at.  Once, I was able to just let it go and choose not be so mad, living my daily life got a tad bit easier.  Don't get me wrong, the anger still lingers around, but it's not at the forefront of every emotion.  When Pink Marble asks to babysit Her kids my first reaction isn't to say no just because I hate the bitch for meddling in my marriage.  I realized that was my anger thinking for me and instead I understand that Pink Marble just wants to babysit and in the end it's not a big deal and I let it happen.  It wasn't worth it anymore.

 I had to let go of the insurmountable sadness that kept me in bed for days at a time unable to see past the next minute of my life.

   Oh the sadness.  The crying so hard I couldn't even breathe sometimes.  I'd sit on the tile floor in my bathroom and hold a towel to my face so my sobs would be muffled and the Mable's wouldn't hear me.  Those days I thought for sure I would never have a day that I didn't cry.  Today, I don't cry as much about what took Him away.   I cry about the life we should have had and that the one that I truly miss living.  I'm sad now for my Marble's because they're the ones who have suffered the biggest loss. The tears now are from my mistakes and how I should have been able to recognize them and make changes.  Those realizations still bring about sadness.

And with those realizations, I had to let go of the blame and take responsibility for my part in how I ended up at this point in my life. 

   This part wasn't easy.  In fact, it was one of those things were you end up taking a hard look at who you really are and conclude that there are some things about yourself that you need to change because they're just not working out they way you're doing them.  It took me meeting someone over the summer and having some pretty in-your-face discussions for me to reflect back on myself and be able to take ownership for my part in the marriage.  I spent a lot of time the last half of this year talking about who I am: my flaws, my weaknesses, my inability to "do".  What I took away from these conversations gave me some insight into how I handled things, not only in my marriage but also in my other relationship with people in my life. And how, moving forward, I will handle things differently when presented with circumstances which would have provoked me to use other behaviors. 
  
I think maybe I needed this year to have experiences I did so I could take what I learned and apply them to what I will encounter in 2014. 

Speak My Language

I'm really good at blaming myself for everything.  And, it doesn't help that I've had some pretty awesome men in my life that take to pointing the finger at me and strip me of my self esteem to where I feel like I haven't much mastered the art of knowing who I am much less how to love myself or anyone else for that matter.

 I am not a touchy-feely person.  For months leading up to Him leaving, I'd tell my girl friends, "I just don't want to be touched."  The thought of someone putting their arms around me made my skin feel like I was being poked with needles.  The Marbles would want to cuddle with me and for a few seconds I would be a big pile of goo holding them in my arms, then that moment would fade and all I could think was when they would be ready to get off me.  So, as you can imagine the not wanting to be touched trickled down to other intimate parts of my life and BAM....He found himself someone who did want to be touched and now here I am.  I have my Yellow Marble next to be in bed snoring and I'm alone.  But, I asked for this right?  I didn't want to be touched.  Therefore, no one is touching me.

I am still not one that feels comfortable being affectionate and I have realized perhaps it's just part of my personality.  While in a therapy session with the Marble's the therapist was talking about our different Love Languages.  There are five Love Languages:  Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch.  I knew immediately what Love Language I didn't speak-Physical Touch.  I also knew immediately which one I screamed from the rooftops of every house I lived in - "AHHHHH ACCCTTTS of SSSSERRRRRVVVICCEEEE".  Please let me show you how much I love you by doing your laundry, washing your floors, painting your house, cleaning your kitchen, vacuuming your floors, running your errands, driving you to the airport even if it's in the complete opposite direction I am going, writing your college essays for you, paying the bills on time, grocery shopping, making the bed and arranging all the decorative pillows so they look like it's out of a magazine.  You get the idea?  It's no wonder I speak this Love Language because it would explain my personality type and why I feel like I can't ever relax because I feel so much love for those around me that I always have to be doing stuff for them.  See, it all makes sense.  It's just He never realized it.  He never saw that when he came home and he had clean underwear and freshly washed sheets to sleep on and a clean floor to walk on and a shiny table to eat off of that it was oozing love.  That was my gigantic hug to him. 

I Think I Swallowed a Boulder

There has been this heaviness in my gut for more than a year.  Some days I feel like maybe I have been able to briefly shake it, but eventually it creeps up again and there it looms.  It's a heaviness that keeps me from ever feeling like I can just relax.  And, I'm ready for that feeling to go away.

I spent about a year and a half alone without someone to fill the emptiness of my time once He left.  Then, out of nowhere, I met someone who made that heaviness in my gut subside and the smile on my face reappear.  But, there was work to do.  I had realized during the year and half that I was alone why He had left and what part I played in his departure and I accepted responsibility for that.  Something else I realized was I'm a difficult person to love and it's just who I am.

Who am I?

I am hard working and I like for things to be organized.  When things are not organized, I am the person to get them organized.

I have a hard time relaxing and I constantly have to be doing something because I always have something to do.

I am good at taking care of the day-to-day practical necessities.

I can be very funny, straight forward and honest.

I am a problem solver.  My mentality is, "Let's fix it."

I am fast-paced.  I walk fast, drive fast, eat fast, talk fast, work fast. 

I don't like to be alone.  I need people I can depend on. 

I can be extremely judgmental.

I am often stubborn, inflexible, unreasonable, and overly rigid.

I can be materialistic.
   
I tend to believe I'm always right and have a hard time listening to other people's opinions.

I can be insensitive and inadvertently hurt others so I have become really good at saying, "I'm sorry."
   
I am very uncomfortable with change.

I take my commitments in relationships very seriously and I look for lifelong relationships.

I dislike repeated mistakes.

I go the extra mile and put a great deal of effort into everything I do.

I found that both in my marriage and in the new relationship both men found that a lot of these things about me were my downfalls. Some of these things about me for years I were told are my greatest enemies have actually been my loyal servants.  It is because of them that I am who I am.