Possibilities

I guess at some point it is possible to think I will be able to go longer than a day without crying.  I didn't cry today.  That's not to say that I didn't feel like I was going to but it seems like I have talked about this divorce enough that emotions don't come rushing through me like they might have just a few months ago.

It's not getting any easier.  In fact, it's pretty much still the same.  He is moving his girlfriend down here this weekend and I can't for the life of me understand why.  I still reflect back on the 14 years that I spent with him and nothing would have ever indicted to me that he would go and do this.  Nothing ever.  I feel like he drove this huge machete into my heart and is constantly twisting it over and over with each fucked up action that he does.

But, I am trying to find my peace.  I am trying to be ok with being home alone and doing absolutely nothing.  There are things that I found that I am good at and things that require me to call on one of my male friends to help me with.  My heart is a gaping wound right now and the first hint of someone being nice to me I want to jump into their arms and beg them to hug me.

I returned back to Florida from a trip up to Michigan.  Being up there made me miss everything.  My family.  My friends.  The scenery.  But, the memories are everywhere.  It didn't matter where I went each city, highway, store, restaurant had a memory. 

I drove by the store where he met me on our first date.  He thought that it would be too confusing for me to navigate my way to his house so he met me at a little liquor store and drove up on his Harley and had me follow him back to his house.  I got choked up passing that store.  Then there was the street where we got married.  The place where we had our reception.  I remember taking my hoop skirt off and giving it to him at the end of the night on our wedding night and he was so drunk he threw it in the dumpster.  There was the hospital where I had the Marble's and the restaurant in Waterford where we'd get nacho's that were gigantic.  It was hard going back and being there among all the memories knowing there will never be an us anymore.  And, what is left of us is filled with hurt, anger and hostility. 

I haven't moved on.  Maybe I have but if so, I don't know what that feels like.  I still feel as sad and heart broken as I did when he walked out in February.  I have so many questions and no answers.  I probably will never have the answers to my questions.

Ever.