Grief

I went into the main bathroom yesterday to wipe down counters and do my usual OCD cleaning of everything and I happened to open the medicine cabinet which I don't think I have opened since we lived in this house.  Inside I found a variety of men's travel size products.  There were little deodorants, body wash, shaving cream, tooth paste.  Why I never thought to look in that cabinet before for clues to his affair I have no idea, but there it was in plain sight.  Even when he was still living here, he was going there to see her.  He needed to have the travel size items for the airplane.  How did I miss that?

I always thought that I'd never be stupid enough to let my husband get away with an affair.  But, when you trust someone and they have always been good to you a person doesn't think that they would cheat on them.  At least I never did.  But, it happened and I live daily with the questions as to why me.  Why us? Why our family?

This weekend I went out with my friend Blue.  I drank too much and (bless his heart) he was exposed to just how heavily a person can cry and the depths of hurt, depression and anger I feel toward this situation.  Sometimes when I cry I am conscious of just how big my tears are and while sitting on the couch with Blue I had my head down and I felt these huge gigantic tears not slip down my cheeks, but just fall from my eyes. 

I cry a lot.  Most days, in fact.  I just kind of allow myself to get it out and sometimes it's in the presence of someone and sometimes I am alone.  Usually I just find myself crying alone.  But, I'm lucky that I have Blue and Mrs. Blue down here to be physically present almost every day to occupy my time, to talk to me about this situation or to just listen.  I feel like I am a burden on my friends though.  I feel like I am too much to handle sometimes.  I wonder if my friend was in this situation and sad for as long as I have been sad, would I have the patience to continue to be there for them?

I wouldn't blame anyone if they stopped talking to me right now.  I am still a pathetic mess even almost five months after he admitted to his affair and left our family.  But, things keep happening that set me back.  Now, this skank is living down here with him.  She ravaged my family and stole my husband away and now has moved down to the place where we were supposed to be living out our dream.  For five years we worked hard to have what we have.  We left our families and it was just the five of us:  a team!  We figured it out together.  Now, he has her living down here.  He wants our Marble's go to there and play family with him, the skank and her bastard children.  He wasn't strong enough to resist it.  And now my life and my Marble's life have been flipped upside down.

Am I going to be ok?  I don't know.  People keep telling me I'm strong but I don't see it right now.  I just look to my friend who has been down this road and I listen to her and try to take her advice because she is strong.  I want to be happy again.  Really truly happy.  Like I was last year at this time.  I just want to be at peace.