He used to tell me that we have taken the "D" word right out of our marriage. That "D" word being DIVORCE. When my friends would have marital problems I would tell them about our solution to remove divorce from the equation entirely and then you are forced to work things out. You can imagine my disbelief when the D word made its way not only into my marriage but into my life.
When you have been told something for years and you believe it with everything that you are, it's absolutely devastating to then one day watch it slip away from you. When I questioned him about his rule to take the D word out of a marriage he told me, "Things change." Yes, things change. Things like the weather, the leaves on a tree in Fall, our bodies after 12 years of marriage, our financial stability, the tide from day to night, your career....yes, things do change but THIS!!!! I didn't realize we were in need of such a big change??
Betrayed doesn't even begin to describe the way I feel about this whole situation. Betrayed doesn't have enough letters or syllables or oomph to even put a finger on just how awful it is to be told that your husband is in love with someone else. I feel like my whole marriage was a lie.
Everyone keeps telling me it will get better. And that's great! But when? When will it get better? And how do I deal with the right now when it's not better? No one is telling me how I am supposed to get through this crap of feeling like shit everysinglefuckingdayoftheweek. No one is telling me how to cope with being completely blindsided and then constantly having this affair thrown into my face and suffocating me until I am choking and gagging. I realize that someday it will be better. I realize the people telling me this probably have no idea what else to say to me at this point. I realize that those words are fillers for a whole slew of people who have no idea what it's like to go through this or know what it's like but have come through it and see the light. I want to know how I am supposed to handle the right now. The this minute. I want to know how I am supposed to believe anything anyone says to me when he was telling me shit for years and obviously it meant nothing. He watched as his family members behaved in the exact same way that he behaved and he would say, "That's not going to be us. Those poor kids have to go through that." Then he did just what he was lamenting about not ever doing! Who does that?
Who fucking does that? Apparently he does.
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