Online dating continues and since the last Meet-up there has been several months before I had another Meet-up. I received a lot of messages. I signed up for eHarmony hoping to maybe meet someone of a different caliber since the POF men seemed to either have issues or just were douche bags.
eHarmony was a waste of my money. Nothing came of it and I resorted back to POF to find true love. (That was sarcasm). I eventually received a message from a dark haired, attractive man who sent me a funny message. I like funny. Gut instinct said to write him back. We exchanged several messages and talked on the phone for a few weeks before we had time in both our schedules for a meet-up. Our meet-up was kind of a last minute, "Hey I 'm going to be at this bar you should come up!" I had nothing else to do. I gotta get out there and meet people, right Friends? So off I went to meet another stranger at a bar.
Because this meet-up was impromptu, I didn't get dolled up. He's lucky I even popped a piece of gum in my mouth as I was walking into the bar. He told me he was in the back playing Fooseball. Um ok? As I made my way to the back of the bar, I see the guy I'm meeting and I see a 7 year old little boy. HE DID NOT BRING HIS FUCKING KID TO THIS MEET-UP?? Oh yes he certainly did. Who does that???? He does.
Well, I was stuck. He saw me. Flagged me over and now I was officially meeting the family. How many more kids did he bring with him, I thought. Thankfully, just one. I got the low down on why the boy was there which was because he pretty much takes his kid everywhere. That would have been great to know like two weeks ago when we first started messaging and spoke about kids. It's impossible to find out parenting arrangements on linkedIN or Spokeo so I learned from this dude that I needed to ask beforehand so I'm not thrown a curve ball or in this case a Fooseball when I go for the initial meet-up.
The guy looked like his pictures. Slightly hairier than I would have liked and I was certain he didn't manscape, so my imagination went all sorts of places with that. He was drinking a beer. I was using the excuse that I had to go into work that night so I couldn't drink and would have to cut the meet-up short because I was "on call".
The meet-up consisted of a very competitive game of Foosball between a 7 year old and me. Frankly, I had more fun on this meet-up hanging with the kid than I did talking to his dad. At least playing Foosball diverted attention from the fact that I wasn't interested in his dad but I knew I was obligated to at least an hour with this guy. The meet-up felt more like I was watching this kid so his dad could watch the basketball game than it did trying to establish a romantic connection. But, I was fine with that. Gut instinct told me this one was a no go anyway.
After an hour of playing Foosball and getting my ass kicked by a 7 year old. My imaginary work duties called and I had to head out. The boy gave me the biggest hug and asked if I would play Foosball again with him. I didn't have the heart to tell him he would never see me again, so I promised him another round of games. His Dad got a hand shake and I departed just as fast as I could.
The guy text me and messaged me a few times after the meet-up. I guess he didn't get the hint I wasn't interested. I finally had to be blatant and tell him. He still tried to contact me again until I blocked him.
NEXT........
Friday, May 30, 2014
The Client
After many messages and weeding out the douchebags of POF, I received a message from a 35 year old man who had the friendliest smile I could imagine. All his pictures screamed "I'm a nice guy." We messaged back and forth and realized we had more in common than we didn't. I was excited to meet this person in hopes that, if nothing else, I could make a new friend.
I made sure everything he said checked out online. I told my Mom and my friend Mandy where I was going and off I went to meet "The Client". He was already seated at the table when I arrived. For first time daters, let the guy show up first. You can always come up with some excuse why you're going to be a few minutes later: you got pulled over, you had to stop for gas, you needed to run to the ATM, you got a work email that needed to be answered, your kids needed something dropped off a their Dad's (yes, I have a million excuses).
When I walked in I was greeted with the same smile I saw in the pictures. He was exactly how he described himself. The conversation started with small talk and then we got into the history of our divorces. It was January when this meeting took place. He had gotten divorced in October. Three months out of the relationship is a little too new for me, but I listened to his story. He referred to his ex as "his wife". Red flag #1. He got emotional talking about the divorced and the circumstances leading up to his divorce. Red flag #2. He still had attachments to her that he couldn't let go. Red Flag #3. So, then I became the therapist. I explained to him how I coped with my ex husband leaving and after three hours of me playing Dr. Online Dating, I had to leave.
The last thing you want to do is be fresh out of a marriage and meeting someone at Stevie Tomato's and essentially have a break down about what happened that caused you to be sitting in front of me.
This online dating wasn't going well.... NEXT!
I made sure everything he said checked out online. I told my Mom and my friend Mandy where I was going and off I went to meet "The Client". He was already seated at the table when I arrived. For first time daters, let the guy show up first. You can always come up with some excuse why you're going to be a few minutes later: you got pulled over, you had to stop for gas, you needed to run to the ATM, you got a work email that needed to be answered, your kids needed something dropped off a their Dad's (yes, I have a million excuses).
When I walked in I was greeted with the same smile I saw in the pictures. He was exactly how he described himself. The conversation started with small talk and then we got into the history of our divorces. It was January when this meeting took place. He had gotten divorced in October. Three months out of the relationship is a little too new for me, but I listened to his story. He referred to his ex as "his wife". Red flag #1. He got emotional talking about the divorced and the circumstances leading up to his divorce. Red flag #2. He still had attachments to her that he couldn't let go. Red Flag #3. So, then I became the therapist. I explained to him how I coped with my ex husband leaving and after three hours of me playing Dr. Online Dating, I had to leave.
The last thing you want to do is be fresh out of a marriage and meeting someone at Stevie Tomato's and essentially have a break down about what happened that caused you to be sitting in front of me.
This online dating wasn't going well.... NEXT!
Hemmed Jeans
My very first Meet-up occurred about five months ago just a few weeks after C and I broke up. Everyone had been telling me I needed to get out there and meet people but I knew I was still in love with C and going and having a drink with some stranger was going to make things complex. But, I met up with "Hemmed Jeans" and tried to make the best of this first encounter.
Hemmed Jeans and I had talked a few times online and exchanged phone numbers after I did my research on him. I found out that he had been divorced and had two children. He worked in the medical field and knew some folks that I worked with so I was confident that what I found online on him and what he was telling me was the truth. I wasn't going to be Catfished on this one. His stat's were that he was 5'10, nice smile, blue eyes and sense of humor. Boom! Check. Check. Check. He fit the criteria. In his pictures, he was handsome. Not gorgeous by any means, but then again I was meeting a 42 year old single dad. I'm realistic.
On my way to the Meet-up, I was talking to my Mom and giving her the information of where I would be and who I would be with. I am anal when it comes to this online dating thing and I make sure that I have the persons first and last name and that they check out for who they say they are. I either use the public records search online, Spokeo, google, linkedIN or any other various websites that let you view people and their information. As I pulled into the parking lot of the restuarant I was still talking to my Mom when I saw the car door open on the vehicle he described as his. But I didn't see anyone. Was he opening the door but still sitting in the car? I cut the conversation short with my Mom and proceeded to the vehicle. Still no sign of anyone but an open door and no one in the drivers seat. What the hell? Is this fucker a ghost? Well then the car door closed and there he was in all his 5'5 in glory. Split second thoughts raced through my head as to how I could get out of this. I was taller than him in my heels and he wasn't tall enough to see over the door of his SUV. This is disaster waiting to happen.
I shook his hand but wanted to rush back to my car and take off. I was praying for my Marble's to call me with some kind of nonemergency so I could make it an emergency and bust out. But, I was stuck. After all the dude took time out of his night to meet me. My mentor at work always says that everyone deserves the same respect no matter who they are, so I proceeded into the establishment with this guy.
Being the jeans snob that I am, I couldn't help but take note of his jeans. They were a nice dark wash, maybe from Kohls' or JCPenney. No crazy rhinestones on the pockets but when I got to the bottom, they were hemmed like the way your mom would hem your pants when you were in grade school. That fold under, use hem tape and iron. There was no seam or threading around the bottom. I'm a bitch for noticing, but he's a bitch for being so fucking short.
I couldn't get seated at a table fast enough. I didn't want to be seen with this guy. I wanted to leave. The "spark" wasn't there. I ordered an Angry Orchard. He ordered an appetizer and a beer and now I had to talk to this guy while we waited for food. Thankfully, I am social. I can talk to people. For an hour and a half I made small talk with this guy until my usual way to excuse myself flowed from my mouth, "My kids are blowing up my phone. I have to leave."
There was a quick hug good-bye. We exchanged "nice to meet you"'s and off I went. No second date. No second text.
NEXT........
Hemmed Jeans and I had talked a few times online and exchanged phone numbers after I did my research on him. I found out that he had been divorced and had two children. He worked in the medical field and knew some folks that I worked with so I was confident that what I found online on him and what he was telling me was the truth. I wasn't going to be Catfished on this one. His stat's were that he was 5'10, nice smile, blue eyes and sense of humor. Boom! Check. Check. Check. He fit the criteria. In his pictures, he was handsome. Not gorgeous by any means, but then again I was meeting a 42 year old single dad. I'm realistic.
On my way to the Meet-up, I was talking to my Mom and giving her the information of where I would be and who I would be with. I am anal when it comes to this online dating thing and I make sure that I have the persons first and last name and that they check out for who they say they are. I either use the public records search online, Spokeo, google, linkedIN or any other various websites that let you view people and their information. As I pulled into the parking lot of the restuarant I was still talking to my Mom when I saw the car door open on the vehicle he described as his. But I didn't see anyone. Was he opening the door but still sitting in the car? I cut the conversation short with my Mom and proceeded to the vehicle. Still no sign of anyone but an open door and no one in the drivers seat. What the hell? Is this fucker a ghost? Well then the car door closed and there he was in all his 5'5 in glory. Split second thoughts raced through my head as to how I could get out of this. I was taller than him in my heels and he wasn't tall enough to see over the door of his SUV. This is disaster waiting to happen.
I shook his hand but wanted to rush back to my car and take off. I was praying for my Marble's to call me with some kind of nonemergency so I could make it an emergency and bust out. But, I was stuck. After all the dude took time out of his night to meet me. My mentor at work always says that everyone deserves the same respect no matter who they are, so I proceeded into the establishment with this guy.
Being the jeans snob that I am, I couldn't help but take note of his jeans. They were a nice dark wash, maybe from Kohls' or JCPenney. No crazy rhinestones on the pockets but when I got to the bottom, they were hemmed like the way your mom would hem your pants when you were in grade school. That fold under, use hem tape and iron. There was no seam or threading around the bottom. I'm a bitch for noticing, but he's a bitch for being so fucking short.
I couldn't get seated at a table fast enough. I didn't want to be seen with this guy. I wanted to leave. The "spark" wasn't there. I ordered an Angry Orchard. He ordered an appetizer and a beer and now I had to talk to this guy while we waited for food. Thankfully, I am social. I can talk to people. For an hour and a half I made small talk with this guy until my usual way to excuse myself flowed from my mouth, "My kids are blowing up my phone. I have to leave."
There was a quick hug good-bye. We exchanged "nice to meet you"'s and off I went. No second date. No second text.
NEXT........
You've Got Mail....Fuck. He's Ugly.
This blog has taken many forms over the course of the last few years. What once started as a blog about my goal to run a half marathon turned into a blog about my divorce and how I went from a devastated blindsided wife to a strong, resilient single mom. And now there is a new phase in my life I have entered into and that is Dating.
I never really "dated" when I was younger. I didn't go on dates. It just so happened that the boyfriends I had were people that I knew and we just started going out and becoming an item. When I met TGIM (The Guy I Married) we didn't necessarily date. We just kinda went places together and it was just implied we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
Well, now I'm dating.
My friends convinced me to go on dating websites in hopes of "getting out there" and meeting someone. After much research I settled on two sites: Plenty of Fish and eHarmony. POF was free and eHarmony you have to pay for them to match you to the what they say is the right person based off some long questionaire.
I decided not to use my real picture of POF because any time I did a search men would come up that I worked with and I was less than excited about anyone knowing my business in the dating world. No, I wasn't Catfishing anyone. I found a picture of a girl that could be me who was wearing sunglasses and her face was kind of obscured. My profile on POF was snarky and littered with sarcasm. I wasn't going to take this online dating seriously, but men messaged me and so began the adventure into "Meet-ups".
I call them Meet-ups because they're not dates. I am putting on my cute jeans, cute shoes, my signature cami and black blazer, expensive lip gloss and meeting at stranger somewhere. Half the time I didn't bother even shaving my legs or armpits because I knew none of these Meet-ups would pan out. Why? Gut instinct. I have some of the best gut instinct in the gut instinct business.
Just like when I was buying my house I could tell from the pictures and little blurb about it whether I would like it or not, I am the same with the men on these sites. You don't have to give me much for me to know whether I am going to like you or not. It's mostly NOT.
So, in these next several posts get ready to meet the men of the online dating world.
I never really "dated" when I was younger. I didn't go on dates. It just so happened that the boyfriends I had were people that I knew and we just started going out and becoming an item. When I met TGIM (The Guy I Married) we didn't necessarily date. We just kinda went places together and it was just implied we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
Well, now I'm dating.
My friends convinced me to go on dating websites in hopes of "getting out there" and meeting someone. After much research I settled on two sites: Plenty of Fish and eHarmony. POF was free and eHarmony you have to pay for them to match you to the what they say is the right person based off some long questionaire.
I decided not to use my real picture of POF because any time I did a search men would come up that I worked with and I was less than excited about anyone knowing my business in the dating world. No, I wasn't Catfishing anyone. I found a picture of a girl that could be me who was wearing sunglasses and her face was kind of obscured. My profile on POF was snarky and littered with sarcasm. I wasn't going to take this online dating seriously, but men messaged me and so began the adventure into "Meet-ups".
I call them Meet-ups because they're not dates. I am putting on my cute jeans, cute shoes, my signature cami and black blazer, expensive lip gloss and meeting at stranger somewhere. Half the time I didn't bother even shaving my legs or armpits because I knew none of these Meet-ups would pan out. Why? Gut instinct. I have some of the best gut instinct in the gut instinct business.
Just like when I was buying my house I could tell from the pictures and little blurb about it whether I would like it or not, I am the same with the men on these sites. You don't have to give me much for me to know whether I am going to like you or not. It's mostly NOT.
So, in these next several posts get ready to meet the men of the online dating world.
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Epilogue
After two years of arguing, mounds of papers, hiring and firing of lawyers, hours of mediation and thousands of dollars in attorney's fees it was a phone call on a Monday morning from the secretary at my attorney's office to announce that I was officially divorced that ended this saga. I thanked her for the information. She told me to go celebrate. I assured her I would and as I hung up the phone I realized I had no feelings of happiness or remorse about the news I was just given.
You see, I was "divorced" back in November of 2011 when He sat across from me on the lanai and told me he didn't want to be married any more. That's when my marriage was over. It was that night that I found Her picture on his phone and it was then my marriage was irretrievably broken. It was all those nights that I would call from work and he would be on the phone with her but lie and say he was talking to someone else at eleven o'clock at night. It was the phone calls to her and me screaming to leave my family alone but she never hearing a word of what I said. My marriage was over when He stood in the garage of our home and told me he was in love with Her and all the other things he said to me that repeatedly tore my heart into shreds. I didn't need a judge or a lawyer or two years and a Final Judgement to tell me my marriage was broken.
The day I signed my Special Interrogatories, I had to answer if my marriage was irretrievably broken and then give a brief explanation as to why. Did it matter at that point? I had gotten all the way to the final settlement, did it really matter why I was there? Regardless of what I put in that explanation box would it have made a difference in the judge's decision on the Final Settlement? My lawyer filled in in for me: "Alienation of Affection". Essentially, he had an affair.
With it all said and done now, I am moving on with my life. I am going to date and see how that goes. The next part of this blog just might be some pretty funny stories about these first dates that I go on. Stay tuned!
You see, I was "divorced" back in November of 2011 when He sat across from me on the lanai and told me he didn't want to be married any more. That's when my marriage was over. It was that night that I found Her picture on his phone and it was then my marriage was irretrievably broken. It was all those nights that I would call from work and he would be on the phone with her but lie and say he was talking to someone else at eleven o'clock at night. It was the phone calls to her and me screaming to leave my family alone but she never hearing a word of what I said. My marriage was over when He stood in the garage of our home and told me he was in love with Her and all the other things he said to me that repeatedly tore my heart into shreds. I didn't need a judge or a lawyer or two years and a Final Judgement to tell me my marriage was broken.
The day I signed my Special Interrogatories, I had to answer if my marriage was irretrievably broken and then give a brief explanation as to why. Did it matter at that point? I had gotten all the way to the final settlement, did it really matter why I was there? Regardless of what I put in that explanation box would it have made a difference in the judge's decision on the Final Settlement? My lawyer filled in in for me: "Alienation of Affection". Essentially, he had an affair.
With it all said and done now, I am moving on with my life. I am going to date and see how that goes. The next part of this blog just might be some pretty funny stories about these first dates that I go on. Stay tuned!
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Maybe I'm Too Headstrong
"Madness" by Muse
I have probably listened to the song "Madness" by Muse over 500 hundred times in the last three months.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Arriving at Change
Everything changes. Every second, every minute something is changing whether it is for the better or for the worst and it's my job to know how to adapt to it. Change is something that doesn't come easy for me. Changes in my life are things I fight and I resist them constantly. What I have today may become what I had tomorrow. Things change, often spontaneously. People and circumstances
come and go. My life didn't stop when I slipped into depression after He left and everything in my life changed. It moved rapidly and
rushed from calm to chaos in a matter of seconds.
Sometimes the shortest split second in time changes the direction of our lives. He might have thought his seemingly innocuous event didn't rattle my whole world. But it took my entire life and swiveled it and flipped it upside down on the strength of that unpredictable event. What was mine? The day he uttered the words, "I'm in love with her."
However bad that situation was then and how I felt about it, it changed. I have come to realize that every ending is the beginning of something else. Every exit is an entry somewhere else. Sometimes life closes doors because it’s time to move forward. And that’s a good thing because I probably wouldn't move unless circumstances forced me to. My best lessons were learned at the worst times and from the worst points in my life. From that, though, I have learned so much about myself and about how much I have changed as a person from two years ago when I found out about the affair and filed for divorce to the months after and the angry person I was as I dealt with the new life I was living. Then the year and a half I spent completely removed from myself as I fought tooth and nail to get my marital settlement. And, now in the last four months I have changed again.
I'm not the same person I was four months ago, last month, or even a week ago. In order to change and maintain peace and serenity in my life, I had to find the strength to laugh every day. I had to find it in myself to make others smile too. I had to stop stressing over things I couldn't change. I had to live simply, love generously, speak truthfully, work diligently. And even if I fall short, I keep going because every moment gives me a new beginning and a new ending. I get a second chance, every second. I just have to take it and make the best of it. I wasn't making the best of my second chances. I was taking them for granted. I often felt like quitting, but I had to remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right. I had to live through my very worst, to arrive at my very best.
Sometimes the shortest split second in time changes the direction of our lives. He might have thought his seemingly innocuous event didn't rattle my whole world. But it took my entire life and swiveled it and flipped it upside down on the strength of that unpredictable event. What was mine? The day he uttered the words, "I'm in love with her."
However bad that situation was then and how I felt about it, it changed. I have come to realize that every ending is the beginning of something else. Every exit is an entry somewhere else. Sometimes life closes doors because it’s time to move forward. And that’s a good thing because I probably wouldn't move unless circumstances forced me to. My best lessons were learned at the worst times and from the worst points in my life. From that, though, I have learned so much about myself and about how much I have changed as a person from two years ago when I found out about the affair and filed for divorce to the months after and the angry person I was as I dealt with the new life I was living. Then the year and a half I spent completely removed from myself as I fought tooth and nail to get my marital settlement. And, now in the last four months I have changed again.
I'm not the same person I was four months ago, last month, or even a week ago. In order to change and maintain peace and serenity in my life, I had to find the strength to laugh every day. I had to find it in myself to make others smile too. I had to stop stressing over things I couldn't change. I had to live simply, love generously, speak truthfully, work diligently. And even if I fall short, I keep going because every moment gives me a new beginning and a new ending. I get a second chance, every second. I just have to take it and make the best of it. I wasn't making the best of my second chances. I was taking them for granted. I often felt like quitting, but I had to remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right. I had to live through my very worst, to arrive at my very best.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)