Online dating continues and since the last Meet-up there has been several months before I had another Meet-up. I received a lot of messages. I signed up for eHarmony hoping to maybe meet someone of a different caliber since the POF men seemed to either have issues or just were douche bags.
eHarmony was a waste of my money. Nothing came of it and I resorted back to POF to find true love. (That was sarcasm). I eventually received a message from a dark haired, attractive man who sent me a funny message. I like funny. Gut instinct said to write him back. We exchanged several messages and talked on the phone for a few weeks before we had time in both our schedules for a meet-up. Our meet-up was kind of a last minute, "Hey I 'm going to be at this bar you should come up!" I had nothing else to do. I gotta get out there and meet people, right Friends? So off I went to meet another stranger at a bar.
Because this meet-up was impromptu, I didn't get dolled up. He's lucky I even popped a piece of gum in my mouth as I was walking into the bar. He told me he was in the back playing Fooseball. Um ok? As I made my way to the back of the bar, I see the guy I'm meeting and I see a 7 year old little boy. HE DID NOT BRING HIS FUCKING KID TO THIS MEET-UP?? Oh yes he certainly did. Who does that???? He does.
Well, I was stuck. He saw me. Flagged me over and now I was officially meeting the family. How many more kids did he bring with him, I thought. Thankfully, just one. I got the low down on why the boy was there which was because he pretty much takes his kid everywhere. That would have been great to know like two weeks ago when we first started messaging and spoke about kids. It's impossible to find out parenting arrangements on linkedIN or Spokeo so I learned from this dude that I needed to ask beforehand so I'm not thrown a curve ball or in this case a Fooseball when I go for the initial meet-up.
The guy looked like his pictures. Slightly hairier than I would have liked and I was certain he didn't manscape, so my imagination went all sorts of places with that. He was drinking a beer. I was using the excuse that I had to go into work that night so I couldn't drink and would have to cut the meet-up short because I was "on call".
The meet-up consisted of a very competitive game of Foosball between a 7 year old and me. Frankly, I had more fun on this meet-up hanging with the kid than I did talking to his dad. At least playing Foosball diverted attention from the fact that I wasn't interested in his dad but I knew I was obligated to at least an hour with this guy. The meet-up felt more like I was watching this kid so his dad could watch the basketball game than it did trying to establish a romantic connection. But, I was fine with that. Gut instinct told me this one was a no go anyway.
After an hour of playing Foosball and getting my ass kicked by a 7 year old. My imaginary work duties called and I had to head out. The boy gave me the biggest hug and asked if I would play Foosball again with him. I didn't have the heart to tell him he would never see me again, so I promised him another round of games. His Dad got a hand shake and I departed just as fast as I could.
The guy text me and messaged me a few times after the meet-up. I guess he didn't get the hint I wasn't interested. I finally had to be blatant and tell him. He still tried to contact me again until I blocked him.
NEXT........
Friday, May 30, 2014
The Client
After many messages and weeding out the douchebags of POF, I received a message from a 35 year old man who had the friendliest smile I could imagine. All his pictures screamed "I'm a nice guy." We messaged back and forth and realized we had more in common than we didn't. I was excited to meet this person in hopes that, if nothing else, I could make a new friend.
I made sure everything he said checked out online. I told my Mom and my friend Mandy where I was going and off I went to meet "The Client". He was already seated at the table when I arrived. For first time daters, let the guy show up first. You can always come up with some excuse why you're going to be a few minutes later: you got pulled over, you had to stop for gas, you needed to run to the ATM, you got a work email that needed to be answered, your kids needed something dropped off a their Dad's (yes, I have a million excuses).
When I walked in I was greeted with the same smile I saw in the pictures. He was exactly how he described himself. The conversation started with small talk and then we got into the history of our divorces. It was January when this meeting took place. He had gotten divorced in October. Three months out of the relationship is a little too new for me, but I listened to his story. He referred to his ex as "his wife". Red flag #1. He got emotional talking about the divorced and the circumstances leading up to his divorce. Red flag #2. He still had attachments to her that he couldn't let go. Red Flag #3. So, then I became the therapist. I explained to him how I coped with my ex husband leaving and after three hours of me playing Dr. Online Dating, I had to leave.
The last thing you want to do is be fresh out of a marriage and meeting someone at Stevie Tomato's and essentially have a break down about what happened that caused you to be sitting in front of me.
This online dating wasn't going well.... NEXT!
I made sure everything he said checked out online. I told my Mom and my friend Mandy where I was going and off I went to meet "The Client". He was already seated at the table when I arrived. For first time daters, let the guy show up first. You can always come up with some excuse why you're going to be a few minutes later: you got pulled over, you had to stop for gas, you needed to run to the ATM, you got a work email that needed to be answered, your kids needed something dropped off a their Dad's (yes, I have a million excuses).
When I walked in I was greeted with the same smile I saw in the pictures. He was exactly how he described himself. The conversation started with small talk and then we got into the history of our divorces. It was January when this meeting took place. He had gotten divorced in October. Three months out of the relationship is a little too new for me, but I listened to his story. He referred to his ex as "his wife". Red flag #1. He got emotional talking about the divorced and the circumstances leading up to his divorce. Red flag #2. He still had attachments to her that he couldn't let go. Red Flag #3. So, then I became the therapist. I explained to him how I coped with my ex husband leaving and after three hours of me playing Dr. Online Dating, I had to leave.
The last thing you want to do is be fresh out of a marriage and meeting someone at Stevie Tomato's and essentially have a break down about what happened that caused you to be sitting in front of me.
This online dating wasn't going well.... NEXT!
Hemmed Jeans
My very first Meet-up occurred about five months ago just a few weeks after C and I broke up. Everyone had been telling me I needed to get out there and meet people but I knew I was still in love with C and going and having a drink with some stranger was going to make things complex. But, I met up with "Hemmed Jeans" and tried to make the best of this first encounter.
Hemmed Jeans and I had talked a few times online and exchanged phone numbers after I did my research on him. I found out that he had been divorced and had two children. He worked in the medical field and knew some folks that I worked with so I was confident that what I found online on him and what he was telling me was the truth. I wasn't going to be Catfished on this one. His stat's were that he was 5'10, nice smile, blue eyes and sense of humor. Boom! Check. Check. Check. He fit the criteria. In his pictures, he was handsome. Not gorgeous by any means, but then again I was meeting a 42 year old single dad. I'm realistic.
On my way to the Meet-up, I was talking to my Mom and giving her the information of where I would be and who I would be with. I am anal when it comes to this online dating thing and I make sure that I have the persons first and last name and that they check out for who they say they are. I either use the public records search online, Spokeo, google, linkedIN or any other various websites that let you view people and their information. As I pulled into the parking lot of the restuarant I was still talking to my Mom when I saw the car door open on the vehicle he described as his. But I didn't see anyone. Was he opening the door but still sitting in the car? I cut the conversation short with my Mom and proceeded to the vehicle. Still no sign of anyone but an open door and no one in the drivers seat. What the hell? Is this fucker a ghost? Well then the car door closed and there he was in all his 5'5 in glory. Split second thoughts raced through my head as to how I could get out of this. I was taller than him in my heels and he wasn't tall enough to see over the door of his SUV. This is disaster waiting to happen.
I shook his hand but wanted to rush back to my car and take off. I was praying for my Marble's to call me with some kind of nonemergency so I could make it an emergency and bust out. But, I was stuck. After all the dude took time out of his night to meet me. My mentor at work always says that everyone deserves the same respect no matter who they are, so I proceeded into the establishment with this guy.
Being the jeans snob that I am, I couldn't help but take note of his jeans. They were a nice dark wash, maybe from Kohls' or JCPenney. No crazy rhinestones on the pockets but when I got to the bottom, they were hemmed like the way your mom would hem your pants when you were in grade school. That fold under, use hem tape and iron. There was no seam or threading around the bottom. I'm a bitch for noticing, but he's a bitch for being so fucking short.
I couldn't get seated at a table fast enough. I didn't want to be seen with this guy. I wanted to leave. The "spark" wasn't there. I ordered an Angry Orchard. He ordered an appetizer and a beer and now I had to talk to this guy while we waited for food. Thankfully, I am social. I can talk to people. For an hour and a half I made small talk with this guy until my usual way to excuse myself flowed from my mouth, "My kids are blowing up my phone. I have to leave."
There was a quick hug good-bye. We exchanged "nice to meet you"'s and off I went. No second date. No second text.
NEXT........
Hemmed Jeans and I had talked a few times online and exchanged phone numbers after I did my research on him. I found out that he had been divorced and had two children. He worked in the medical field and knew some folks that I worked with so I was confident that what I found online on him and what he was telling me was the truth. I wasn't going to be Catfished on this one. His stat's were that he was 5'10, nice smile, blue eyes and sense of humor. Boom! Check. Check. Check. He fit the criteria. In his pictures, he was handsome. Not gorgeous by any means, but then again I was meeting a 42 year old single dad. I'm realistic.
On my way to the Meet-up, I was talking to my Mom and giving her the information of where I would be and who I would be with. I am anal when it comes to this online dating thing and I make sure that I have the persons first and last name and that they check out for who they say they are. I either use the public records search online, Spokeo, google, linkedIN or any other various websites that let you view people and their information. As I pulled into the parking lot of the restuarant I was still talking to my Mom when I saw the car door open on the vehicle he described as his. But I didn't see anyone. Was he opening the door but still sitting in the car? I cut the conversation short with my Mom and proceeded to the vehicle. Still no sign of anyone but an open door and no one in the drivers seat. What the hell? Is this fucker a ghost? Well then the car door closed and there he was in all his 5'5 in glory. Split second thoughts raced through my head as to how I could get out of this. I was taller than him in my heels and he wasn't tall enough to see over the door of his SUV. This is disaster waiting to happen.
I shook his hand but wanted to rush back to my car and take off. I was praying for my Marble's to call me with some kind of nonemergency so I could make it an emergency and bust out. But, I was stuck. After all the dude took time out of his night to meet me. My mentor at work always says that everyone deserves the same respect no matter who they are, so I proceeded into the establishment with this guy.
Being the jeans snob that I am, I couldn't help but take note of his jeans. They were a nice dark wash, maybe from Kohls' or JCPenney. No crazy rhinestones on the pockets but when I got to the bottom, they were hemmed like the way your mom would hem your pants when you were in grade school. That fold under, use hem tape and iron. There was no seam or threading around the bottom. I'm a bitch for noticing, but he's a bitch for being so fucking short.
I couldn't get seated at a table fast enough. I didn't want to be seen with this guy. I wanted to leave. The "spark" wasn't there. I ordered an Angry Orchard. He ordered an appetizer and a beer and now I had to talk to this guy while we waited for food. Thankfully, I am social. I can talk to people. For an hour and a half I made small talk with this guy until my usual way to excuse myself flowed from my mouth, "My kids are blowing up my phone. I have to leave."
There was a quick hug good-bye. We exchanged "nice to meet you"'s and off I went. No second date. No second text.
NEXT........
You've Got Mail....Fuck. He's Ugly.
This blog has taken many forms over the course of the last few years. What once started as a blog about my goal to run a half marathon turned into a blog about my divorce and how I went from a devastated blindsided wife to a strong, resilient single mom. And now there is a new phase in my life I have entered into and that is Dating.
I never really "dated" when I was younger. I didn't go on dates. It just so happened that the boyfriends I had were people that I knew and we just started going out and becoming an item. When I met TGIM (The Guy I Married) we didn't necessarily date. We just kinda went places together and it was just implied we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
Well, now I'm dating.
My friends convinced me to go on dating websites in hopes of "getting out there" and meeting someone. After much research I settled on two sites: Plenty of Fish and eHarmony. POF was free and eHarmony you have to pay for them to match you to the what they say is the right person based off some long questionaire.
I decided not to use my real picture of POF because any time I did a search men would come up that I worked with and I was less than excited about anyone knowing my business in the dating world. No, I wasn't Catfishing anyone. I found a picture of a girl that could be me who was wearing sunglasses and her face was kind of obscured. My profile on POF was snarky and littered with sarcasm. I wasn't going to take this online dating seriously, but men messaged me and so began the adventure into "Meet-ups".
I call them Meet-ups because they're not dates. I am putting on my cute jeans, cute shoes, my signature cami and black blazer, expensive lip gloss and meeting at stranger somewhere. Half the time I didn't bother even shaving my legs or armpits because I knew none of these Meet-ups would pan out. Why? Gut instinct. I have some of the best gut instinct in the gut instinct business.
Just like when I was buying my house I could tell from the pictures and little blurb about it whether I would like it or not, I am the same with the men on these sites. You don't have to give me much for me to know whether I am going to like you or not. It's mostly NOT.
So, in these next several posts get ready to meet the men of the online dating world.
I never really "dated" when I was younger. I didn't go on dates. It just so happened that the boyfriends I had were people that I knew and we just started going out and becoming an item. When I met TGIM (The Guy I Married) we didn't necessarily date. We just kinda went places together and it was just implied we were boyfriend and girlfriend.
Well, now I'm dating.
My friends convinced me to go on dating websites in hopes of "getting out there" and meeting someone. After much research I settled on two sites: Plenty of Fish and eHarmony. POF was free and eHarmony you have to pay for them to match you to the what they say is the right person based off some long questionaire.
I decided not to use my real picture of POF because any time I did a search men would come up that I worked with and I was less than excited about anyone knowing my business in the dating world. No, I wasn't Catfishing anyone. I found a picture of a girl that could be me who was wearing sunglasses and her face was kind of obscured. My profile on POF was snarky and littered with sarcasm. I wasn't going to take this online dating seriously, but men messaged me and so began the adventure into "Meet-ups".
I call them Meet-ups because they're not dates. I am putting on my cute jeans, cute shoes, my signature cami and black blazer, expensive lip gloss and meeting at stranger somewhere. Half the time I didn't bother even shaving my legs or armpits because I knew none of these Meet-ups would pan out. Why? Gut instinct. I have some of the best gut instinct in the gut instinct business.
Just like when I was buying my house I could tell from the pictures and little blurb about it whether I would like it or not, I am the same with the men on these sites. You don't have to give me much for me to know whether I am going to like you or not. It's mostly NOT.
So, in these next several posts get ready to meet the men of the online dating world.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
My "First" Love
I have been working on this post for a while. At times I would be very angry and resentful and other times I had to edit it because it showed just how profoundly in love I felt for someone who just wasn't everything I hoped he would be.
For 18 months after He left, I spent the majority of my time when my Marble's weren't with me alone, in my bed with the covers pulled up close to my face. I let the world pass by outside. I felt that I needed the time to let my heart and my head heal from the loss of my marriage and the loss of my stability in life.
When I took the Marble's up to Michigan in the summer of 2013, things felt different. I was ready to come back to Florida and get back into life. I was ready to tackle exercise, plow through with the divorce and maybe even dabble in dating if the opportunity presented itself.
And, what an opportunity in dating I got.
People would always tell me that I would find someone to date when I least expected it. I definitely didn't come back from Michigan last summer with my sights set on finding someone to date. I was fully aware that my heart was still broken and my trust was shattered. I was heading down a path that I needed to travel alone to get me where I needed to be. My therapist told me I had a wall up over my head and every once in a while I'd remove a few bricks from the middle and peak out, but then I'd put the bricks back up and close myself in.
But then, there he was. When I least expected it. Beautiful blue eyes, charming smile and a sense of humor that had me in hysterics from the get go. How could I have not been completely captivated?
Our first date was without a doubt the most fun I had ever had with another person in a very long time. I remember telling him as we were walking back to his car on the beach that if I never talked to him again I had the best time that night. He stopped walking and took my hand in his and put his other hand to my face and kissed me so romantically I felt my head spin and my stomach flip a million times over. Everything felt right. He was exactly what I needed at that moment. My vulnerability must have been like a beacon flashing its light in the night. He was drawn to that. Inevitably, he used it to manipulate me and I was too weak to see it was happening.
It took several weeks before I could really let my guard down. There was a lot of coaxing on his end, a lot of "love bombing", a lot of promises and compliments. Finally, while standing in line to walk into my very first visit to Epcot, I handed over my fragile, broken heart that I had tried so hard to repair and told him to take care of it and not to hurt me. He said he would never hurt me. We are soul mates, he said. I believed him. Once he got my trust, nothing was ever the same.
For three months, I was the happiest I had ever been. The smile never left my face. He was able to bring out in me what I had pushed so far down in my depression and show me experiences and places that I never dreamed I'd experience. I tried new foods. I learned about white and red wine. He taught me how to eat with chopsticks and break snow crab legs and season chicken the right way. He was unbiased when it came to my situation with TGIM. He offered advice that was useful and what seemed extremely heartfelt. The sex was amazing. I'm going to get R rated here for a minute, but it was. He knew where to touch me, how to kiss me, what to say at the right moments and every time we had sex I felt like my body was on fire. He was this fun loving, hilarious, childlike man who knew just the right things to say and do at just the right times. There were days when we would laugh with each other until tears would be streaming down our cheeks and we'd fall into each others arms and he'd say, "We're fun." I'd agree. There were times when one of us would be talking about something and the other one would finish the sentence. We
would say we were "telepathetic". We had many trips to Orlando and even more inside jokes that would create so much fun and laughter between us. Sometimes we wouldn't even have to speak, we could just give the other a look and know what the joke was and bust out laughing. It was those times that kept me with him. I always thought that if I could have those times with him, the dark times would be made up for by the fun we would have.
He was such a good talker. God I loved talking to him. He was intelligent and thought-provoking. He always had a great lesson to teach and I repeatedly told him what a good teacher he was. There were lessons I took away from the relationship that I had never learned in my 37 years on this earth. Yet, in teaching me those lessons and in conversing with him, I felt there was an ulterior motive. I couldn't put my finger on it by my gut instinct told me things just aren't right. He was very specific on his need to be able to communicate with me. Every issue that ever arose stemmed from the fact that I didn't listen, I didn't know how to talk and I never put myself in anyone else's shoes. I never had to do those things in my marriage because the communication I had with TGIM was fluid. I didn't require the effort that this relationship required. Soon, he used every part of the things I told him about my failed marriage against me and instead of being the person who was supposed to love and support me, he kicked me while I was down.
Eventually the darkness settled in over the relationship and wouldn't go away. I started to pay more attention to the little things he would say and do rather than to the bigger picture of what was going on. By paying attention to the small details, I was able to unravel this web of lies and deceit that had been the foundation of our relationship and it helped me figure out why there was so much tension all the time. He needed to keep up a facade. He needed to keep me in a corner of his world to control me so I didn't break out and figure out the truths.
What he didn't know was that I was figuring him out and little by little, I was understanding what I was dealing with...... It was like I was dating a sociopath. Yet, I couldn't let go.
The main thing that got me was the lying. Lying just for the sake of lying. Lying to see if he could trick me. Then when I would call him out on the lie, he would become enraged or he would act like I was stupid for thinking what I was thinking and turn around the entire story.
He always talked about his raisin heart. At first I thought that this was because he had some failed relationships and that it was going to be me that would make his heart full again. But, knowing what I do now, I don't believe he is capable of love which would explain the raisin heart. He knew that too. He didn't have empathy. He didn't feel love the way I felt love. His heart was like the Grinch. A small, shriveled up black mass deep within his chest which only purpose was to keep him alive so he could continue to toss woman aside and manipulate the next one.
What troubled me most is that there was this gorgeous man who would say and do the most wonderful things for me and then in an instant it could all change. I never knew when he'd flip the switch and turn into a completely different person. I could suggest the wrong restaurant for dinner and we would be sitting in the car and he would pound his fist on the center console, scream at me about not knowing how to communicate and belittle me until I just shut down and was silent. Then, whatever restaurant we would end up at, he would sit across from me, tears welling up in his eyes and profess his love to me. I didn't understand and I couldn't let go.
I thinking part of it was because he was a good talker. I would have hoped he would have been able to explain to me some of the things I found out that caused me concern. I wanted to communicate, but I believe by the time I had all my information he was already realizing I knew more about him than I should know. The conversation about information I found on the internet was the beginning of the end. I couldn't trust him.... if I ever did and he wasn't going to be that goofy boyfriend who could keep his walls down. He met his match with me. I met my match with him. There was no more communication on a romantic level once I was privy to the other side of him.
To this day, I can't explain why I held on as long as I did. I imagine it was because I experienced the good and wanted so bad for that to be the norm. However, I was still hurting and grieving over my divorce and whatever it was in his mind he thought he had with me I wasn't about to let him in long enough to ever truly know the real me. Because of this, he will tell you I caused the negative reactions in him that I got. Did I? Up until a few weeks ago I would probably have said yes, I am partially to blame. Looking back and knowing what I know now about him, it was not my fault.
I will take responsibility for the depression and the inability to "get off the porch" as he would say. He was right that I had to make changes and once there was that separation with us, I made those changes. At this point, I will long to see him. He still holds this place in my heart even after all the bullshit that has gone on. It's a place riddled with hurt, confusion, love, lies, promises, regret. At this point, I want to just sit down with him and ask "Why?". But, I know that I will never get the answers I need.
He will always hold a special place in my heart. Regardless of the shit that we went through, he changed me. He helped me see things about myself even if it was in a fit of rage that needed to be addressed. I love him for that. I am the happier person today because of the things he said: both positive and negative. The relationship made me stronger. And, though I think he has some demons that he needs to address, I will always love him for what he has done for me that I won't list publicly but he knows.
Ask TGIM, ask C, ask the Marble's... if you lie. I will find out. I found about about this and it was the downfall of a love story and friendship.
NEXT.......
For 18 months after He left, I spent the majority of my time when my Marble's weren't with me alone, in my bed with the covers pulled up close to my face. I let the world pass by outside. I felt that I needed the time to let my heart and my head heal from the loss of my marriage and the loss of my stability in life.
When I took the Marble's up to Michigan in the summer of 2013, things felt different. I was ready to come back to Florida and get back into life. I was ready to tackle exercise, plow through with the divorce and maybe even dabble in dating if the opportunity presented itself.
And, what an opportunity in dating I got.
People would always tell me that I would find someone to date when I least expected it. I definitely didn't come back from Michigan last summer with my sights set on finding someone to date. I was fully aware that my heart was still broken and my trust was shattered. I was heading down a path that I needed to travel alone to get me where I needed to be. My therapist told me I had a wall up over my head and every once in a while I'd remove a few bricks from the middle and peak out, but then I'd put the bricks back up and close myself in.
But then, there he was. When I least expected it. Beautiful blue eyes, charming smile and a sense of humor that had me in hysterics from the get go. How could I have not been completely captivated?
Our first date was without a doubt the most fun I had ever had with another person in a very long time. I remember telling him as we were walking back to his car on the beach that if I never talked to him again I had the best time that night. He stopped walking and took my hand in his and put his other hand to my face and kissed me so romantically I felt my head spin and my stomach flip a million times over. Everything felt right. He was exactly what I needed at that moment. My vulnerability must have been like a beacon flashing its light in the night. He was drawn to that. Inevitably, he used it to manipulate me and I was too weak to see it was happening.
It took several weeks before I could really let my guard down. There was a lot of coaxing on his end, a lot of "love bombing", a lot of promises and compliments. Finally, while standing in line to walk into my very first visit to Epcot, I handed over my fragile, broken heart that I had tried so hard to repair and told him to take care of it and not to hurt me. He said he would never hurt me. We are soul mates, he said. I believed him. Once he got my trust, nothing was ever the same.
For three months, I was the happiest I had ever been. The smile never left my face. He was able to bring out in me what I had pushed so far down in my depression and show me experiences and places that I never dreamed I'd experience. I tried new foods. I learned about white and red wine. He taught me how to eat with chopsticks and break snow crab legs and season chicken the right way. He was unbiased when it came to my situation with TGIM. He offered advice that was useful and what seemed extremely heartfelt. The sex was amazing. I'm going to get R rated here for a minute, but it was. He knew where to touch me, how to kiss me, what to say at the right moments and every time we had sex I felt like my body was on fire. He was this fun loving, hilarious, childlike man who knew just the right things to say and do at just the right times. There were days when we would laugh with each other until tears would be streaming down our cheeks and we'd fall into each others arms and he'd say, "We're fun." I'd agree. There were times when one of us would be talking about something and the other one would finish the sentence. We
would say we were "telepathetic". We had many trips to Orlando and even more inside jokes that would create so much fun and laughter between us. Sometimes we wouldn't even have to speak, we could just give the other a look and know what the joke was and bust out laughing. It was those times that kept me with him. I always thought that if I could have those times with him, the dark times would be made up for by the fun we would have.
He was such a good talker. God I loved talking to him. He was intelligent and thought-provoking. He always had a great lesson to teach and I repeatedly told him what a good teacher he was. There were lessons I took away from the relationship that I had never learned in my 37 years on this earth. Yet, in teaching me those lessons and in conversing with him, I felt there was an ulterior motive. I couldn't put my finger on it by my gut instinct told me things just aren't right. He was very specific on his need to be able to communicate with me. Every issue that ever arose stemmed from the fact that I didn't listen, I didn't know how to talk and I never put myself in anyone else's shoes. I never had to do those things in my marriage because the communication I had with TGIM was fluid. I didn't require the effort that this relationship required. Soon, he used every part of the things I told him about my failed marriage against me and instead of being the person who was supposed to love and support me, he kicked me while I was down.
Eventually the darkness settled in over the relationship and wouldn't go away. I started to pay more attention to the little things he would say and do rather than to the bigger picture of what was going on. By paying attention to the small details, I was able to unravel this web of lies and deceit that had been the foundation of our relationship and it helped me figure out why there was so much tension all the time. He needed to keep up a facade. He needed to keep me in a corner of his world to control me so I didn't break out and figure out the truths.
What he didn't know was that I was figuring him out and little by little, I was understanding what I was dealing with...... It was like I was dating a sociopath. Yet, I couldn't let go.
The main thing that got me was the lying. Lying just for the sake of lying. Lying to see if he could trick me. Then when I would call him out on the lie, he would become enraged or he would act like I was stupid for thinking what I was thinking and turn around the entire story.
He always talked about his raisin heart. At first I thought that this was because he had some failed relationships and that it was going to be me that would make his heart full again. But, knowing what I do now, I don't believe he is capable of love which would explain the raisin heart. He knew that too. He didn't have empathy. He didn't feel love the way I felt love. His heart was like the Grinch. A small, shriveled up black mass deep within his chest which only purpose was to keep him alive so he could continue to toss woman aside and manipulate the next one.
What troubled me most is that there was this gorgeous man who would say and do the most wonderful things for me and then in an instant it could all change. I never knew when he'd flip the switch and turn into a completely different person. I could suggest the wrong restaurant for dinner and we would be sitting in the car and he would pound his fist on the center console, scream at me about not knowing how to communicate and belittle me until I just shut down and was silent. Then, whatever restaurant we would end up at, he would sit across from me, tears welling up in his eyes and profess his love to me. I didn't understand and I couldn't let go.
I thinking part of it was because he was a good talker. I would have hoped he would have been able to explain to me some of the things I found out that caused me concern. I wanted to communicate, but I believe by the time I had all my information he was already realizing I knew more about him than I should know. The conversation about information I found on the internet was the beginning of the end. I couldn't trust him.... if I ever did and he wasn't going to be that goofy boyfriend who could keep his walls down. He met his match with me. I met my match with him. There was no more communication on a romantic level once I was privy to the other side of him.
To this day, I can't explain why I held on as long as I did. I imagine it was because I experienced the good and wanted so bad for that to be the norm. However, I was still hurting and grieving over my divorce and whatever it was in his mind he thought he had with me I wasn't about to let him in long enough to ever truly know the real me. Because of this, he will tell you I caused the negative reactions in him that I got. Did I? Up until a few weeks ago I would probably have said yes, I am partially to blame. Looking back and knowing what I know now about him, it was not my fault.
I will take responsibility for the depression and the inability to "get off the porch" as he would say. He was right that I had to make changes and once there was that separation with us, I made those changes. At this point, I will long to see him. He still holds this place in my heart even after all the bullshit that has gone on. It's a place riddled with hurt, confusion, love, lies, promises, regret. At this point, I want to just sit down with him and ask "Why?". But, I know that I will never get the answers I need.
He will always hold a special place in my heart. Regardless of the shit that we went through, he changed me. He helped me see things about myself even if it was in a fit of rage that needed to be addressed. I love him for that. I am the happier person today because of the things he said: both positive and negative. The relationship made me stronger. And, though I think he has some demons that he needs to address, I will always love him for what he has done for me that I won't list publicly but he knows.
Ask TGIM, ask C, ask the Marble's... if you lie. I will find out. I found about about this and it was the downfall of a love story and friendship.
NEXT.......
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Epilogue
After two years of arguing, mounds of papers, hiring and firing of lawyers, hours of mediation and thousands of dollars in attorney's fees it was a phone call on a Monday morning from the secretary at my attorney's office to announce that I was officially divorced that ended this saga. I thanked her for the information. She told me to go celebrate. I assured her I would and as I hung up the phone I realized I had no feelings of happiness or remorse about the news I was just given.
You see, I was "divorced" back in November of 2011 when He sat across from me on the lanai and told me he didn't want to be married any more. That's when my marriage was over. It was that night that I found Her picture on his phone and it was then my marriage was irretrievably broken. It was all those nights that I would call from work and he would be on the phone with her but lie and say he was talking to someone else at eleven o'clock at night. It was the phone calls to her and me screaming to leave my family alone but she never hearing a word of what I said. My marriage was over when He stood in the garage of our home and told me he was in love with Her and all the other things he said to me that repeatedly tore my heart into shreds. I didn't need a judge or a lawyer or two years and a Final Judgement to tell me my marriage was broken.
The day I signed my Special Interrogatories, I had to answer if my marriage was irretrievably broken and then give a brief explanation as to why. Did it matter at that point? I had gotten all the way to the final settlement, did it really matter why I was there? Regardless of what I put in that explanation box would it have made a difference in the judge's decision on the Final Settlement? My lawyer filled in in for me: "Alienation of Affection". Essentially, he had an affair.
With it all said and done now, I am moving on with my life. I am going to date and see how that goes. The next part of this blog just might be some pretty funny stories about these first dates that I go on. Stay tuned!
You see, I was "divorced" back in November of 2011 when He sat across from me on the lanai and told me he didn't want to be married any more. That's when my marriage was over. It was that night that I found Her picture on his phone and it was then my marriage was irretrievably broken. It was all those nights that I would call from work and he would be on the phone with her but lie and say he was talking to someone else at eleven o'clock at night. It was the phone calls to her and me screaming to leave my family alone but she never hearing a word of what I said. My marriage was over when He stood in the garage of our home and told me he was in love with Her and all the other things he said to me that repeatedly tore my heart into shreds. I didn't need a judge or a lawyer or two years and a Final Judgement to tell me my marriage was broken.
The day I signed my Special Interrogatories, I had to answer if my marriage was irretrievably broken and then give a brief explanation as to why. Did it matter at that point? I had gotten all the way to the final settlement, did it really matter why I was there? Regardless of what I put in that explanation box would it have made a difference in the judge's decision on the Final Settlement? My lawyer filled in in for me: "Alienation of Affection". Essentially, he had an affair.
With it all said and done now, I am moving on with my life. I am going to date and see how that goes. The next part of this blog just might be some pretty funny stories about these first dates that I go on. Stay tuned!
Thursday, April 10, 2014
Maybe I'm Too Headstrong
"Madness" by Muse
I have probably listened to the song "Madness" by Muse over 500 hundred times in the last three months.
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