Gobble Gobble

I will be running the turkey trot on thanksgiving day with my Blue Marble in preparation for Warrior Dash!!!

Goodbye September

I will be glad to see September go. October is one of my favorite months of the year. Every October since I have been down in Florida, I have made it a point to get back up to Michigan for Girls Weekend with my three best girl friends. In years past we have gone to Cedar Point, but this year we are going to Chicago.

The city of Chicago had my heart years ago when I was just a teenager driving there for concerts and to go to stores like The Alley for any cool goth gear I could find. It was the go-to place for little mini vacations because it always had so much to offer. A month before I got pregnant with Pink Marble I broke the news to TGIM that I was going to be moving there. I wanted to experience life in a city and I knew Chicago was going to be the place for me. But, then SURPRISE, pregnant! And, my dreams of moving came to a screeching halt and the only moving I did was a move from Northville to Clarkston to move in with TGIM. And history was made.... Ok, that sounded lame but anyway, my point is I am excited to go back with three of the awesomestestest people I can think to go with. Also, the icing on the cake is that I get to see my friend Megan who I haven't seen in quite a few years. So all in all, it's going to be a fun time.

I am also welcoming October because when we lived in Michigan it was my favorite time of the year. I loved the change in the seasons. That is something I miss terribly being down in Florida. And, Halloween. My favorite holiday!!! I think we are going to start decorating on Sunday. The Marble's will love that! They love getting the bins out and setting everything up.

Also, I have spent the better part of September in a huge funk. There is too much drama going around and to be able to get away and go be with people who are happy, funny and fun to be around is going to be a much needed remedy for the September Blues.

I'm hoping to get in a few more good, steady runs before the end of the month too.

Stuck in Reverse

I have felt like a pathetic mess lately. Everyone is noticing. I can't seem to talk about what is going on in my life without my eyes filling with tears and repeatedly saying, "It's just so sad." I feel like the drama has swallowed me up and then hurled me into a toilet along with five tons of other shit that came out with it. If that even made any sense? In essence, I feel like a weight is pressing down on my chest and I have no power to lift it off.

Running became my salvation many months ago as an outlet for my emotions. I ran through the sadness of losing my last remaining grandparent. I ran when my friend in Michigan was needing me and I wasn't there. I ran when the Marble's stressed me out. I ran when people came to visit and my house wasn't to par. I ran when my anxiety got the best of me. But, now I have this issue and not even running has seemed to quell the fire inside me.

I ran outside last night for the first time since my 5k in May. I did this for various reasons but mostly because I wanted to feel something other than the stuffiness of the gym. It felt good having the breeze hit me in the face and I was able to take my Yellow Marble along with me. It was nice looking around at the pretty yards that set like little oases among vacant lots. I have become fascinated by front entry doors and oogle at any chance I get when I see one that looks appealing to me. But, once I was done with my run the funk was still there because I knew that I could share my triumph with people who cared, but there were those two people who have been such staunch supporters of my weight loss that wouldn't even know about it.

I spent a long time wanting to have the acceptance of my father. I could do wonderful things in my life, but if my father didn't know or wasn't proud of me, it was like none of those things mattered. I lived my life for years waiting for the day to come when he would embrace me and recall all the things I thought that he missed and surprise me that he knew every single thing I had done in my life. That day never came. Instead, I had to make the best decision I had ever made and that was to sever all ties with him. Now, I don't wait for his approval or best wishes. I go about my life as if he doesn't even exist on this planet. Coping with him that way has allowed me to be a happier more refined person. But, now with this new revelation of events in my life, I feel that sense of loss and sadness I felt as a child. When something cool happens and I want to share it with someone, the people who I do share it with doesn't seem as important because the two people who I also want to know it aren't there to talk to. So, I don't allow myself to be happy, content or at peace because I have this unresolved issue lingering around me.

I have no idea how to fix it. People who know what is going on have told me to give it time. But what kinds of increments of time are we talking about? Days? Weeks? Months? I'm not very good at giving things time. I need to address things head on and hammer them out and move forward. I don't hold grudges and I don't stay mad. I am forgiving and forthcoming. I will admit my faults and say, "You're right" if you are. And most of the time, other people are right.

I am not sure where to go from here but my constant worry and hurt will only get me so far and my desire to change how I feel is hampered by my need for closure. And, closure hasn't come yet. So, instead I will run. And keep running. And run fast and harder each time I go out there to do it because once I accomplish that small goal I forget everything that is going around me for that moment and bask in the fact that at least I had done one thing that was for me. Even if no one else in the world noticed.

With the Wind at My Face

Today was my first night running outside since my 5k in May. Running outside as opposed to running on the treadmill is a whole different world to me. I can hear myself breathing a lot louder running outside then I do when I am on a treadmill. I am also able to keep track of my time better. I know Garmin makes nifty watches to calculate times and whatnot but I don't think I've achieved that level of running status where I need to drop $200 on those of those bad boys.

Yellow Marble came with me on my 3.07 adventure today and was official "pace car" and coach. She told me how far I needed to run and when I was allowed to stop and take breaks. If she reached the end point before me, she'd hop off her bike and yell cheers that she made up for me. It was great having her along.

I felt strong today going into this run and I was psyched that the weather was cool enough to go outside. But, I didn't carry a water bottle with me so I was dying of thirst around the two mile mark.

All in all, I didn't have a fantastic time. Blame it on the wind blowing in my face, the slight hill I walked up on a bridge to cross over a canal or just my inability to adjust to running outside quickly enough, but I did it and doing it is all that matters at this point.

Hopefully, by the October 1st weight in I will have some progress to report!

Thing #23 I am OCD About.....

There are many things that I am obsessive compulsive about. Cleanliness is one of them. But, it's my own mindset of clean. What is clean to me might not be clean to you. You could walk into my house today and see a nice, healthy layer of dust hanging out on my tv console and that's totally fine with me and it can stay there until Saturday but I'll be god damned if there are dirty dishes in my sink or shit all over the floors. I'm obsessive about clean bathrooms. It took me a long time to allow Blue Marble to use the main guest bathroom as "her" bathroom, but since she exhibits the same traits I do with my OCD, I figured I'd allow her to have her own space if she kept it clean. She is more particular about her bathroom than I am about mine! I love it.

One thing that I am very OCD about it food preparation. Especially when we have potlucks at work and people prepare food at home and bring it in to share. I don't participate in potlucks. I don't eat food people prepare at home and then transport in a vehicle and then serve to me in a buffet style in a room I refer to as a Petri Dish. How am I supposed to know if they washed their hands before handling the food? Or what if they let their kid lick the spoon for the brownies and then use the same spoon to smooth the batter into the pan? These are important things to think about PEOPLE!!!

So, most of the people I work with know that I don't dabble in the potluck festivities around here but some try to entice me with bringing in all sorts of store bought yummies which then makes my excuse, "I don't eat homemade food because I have OCD." go right out the window. Good thing my coworkers also know I am an avid runner and care about my body so much that I allow it to be full of all kinds of nutritional goodness all days except Saturdays. And, since today is potluck day and not Saturday, I am completely off the hook!

On Your Mark, Get Set, GO!

As the weather here cools down more and more races are being added and unfortunately for me the ones I want to run all fall on days I work. Except, The Turkey Trot! I have to take what I can get and this race is bright and early on Thanksgiving Day.

I am trying to convince TGIM and the Marbles how awesome it will be to run on Thanksgiving Day but no one seems as psyched as I am so I might be running this one alone.

I know what the problem is but I am not sure how to go about adjusting things so I can get my head back in the game.

Totally half-assed it at the gym today again. so much for goal setting.

Bitchin' and Whinin'

Wow! It's already September. My goal was to start training for the October 5k that I wanted to run mid-October, however I was informed the other day that the date was changed and it now falls on a day I work. The two other runs I wanted to do also fall on days that I work. Trying to get days off at my job is awful because of all the people who have seniority over me and the fact that around the holidays it's impossible to get the time off you need. So, I have taken to bitching and complaining about my plight to anyone who will listen.

Also, in the last few weeks I have had some personal issues that I am working on trying to resolve. There isn't anyone else involved in trying to work out these personal issues because I suppose for some the best way to resolve a problem is to say goodbye. So, in dealing with that realization I would have liked to have dove head first into my running, but instead I found myself in a slump and have resorted to some half-ass cross training each time I make my presence at the gym.

After some soul searching and some deep thought about my personal situation, I have concluded that I am refusing to give anymore of my time to it. My mind will not spend another second thinking about all the things I could say and I will not allow myself to be made to feel anything other than content for how this has all played out. That being said, I will turn what anger and frustration I have into energy to burn at the gym. I will stay strong and be strong, and in that strength I will lose weight and be healthy. It's no secret that when you look better physically, you feel better mentally.

Right now the next run I have lined up is Warrior Dash on Decemeber 3rd with TGIM. I am so excited for this race. I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to get the time off to run the MidPoint Madness 5k in November but the outlook isn't too good.

Tomorrow's goal...a 4 miler.