Sifting Through the Rubble

Some days I can see the big picture and I know that at some point my life will pan out and things will be ok.  But most days I live in the narrow scope of what my reality is:  financial stress, heart ache from divorce, turmoil of relationships, guilt of motherhood and wondering when busting my ass at work will bring me any sort of success.  I live every day wondering how the fuck I'm going to do this?  How am I going to pay for that?  What are my Marbles or me going to go without this week so I can pay whatever was past due last week?  I realize that this is going to be my life for the long term.  I don't see it getting better any time soon.  In fact, I see it being just this stagnant for quite some time. 

With two years creeping up since I filed for divorce there is so much that needs to be heard before a judge it's hard to even keep straight.  The most important thing to me is that when I look back at the settlement years from now, I don't regret that I didn't do something.  I want to make sure that I have dotted every "i" and crossed every "t", but there always seems to be more shit that gets added to his already Mt. Rushmore size heaping pile of divorce shit that sifting through it makes me cringe all too often.

The latest saga in the never-ending divorce battle is my decision to stop paying the mortgage that He never brought current per the court order and now him deciding to no longer pay child support and alimony to me.  This makes my blood boil.  I don't understand why He thinks he makes the rules and calls the shots?  Maybe it's because he hasn't been held accountable for anything therefore since he hasn't been forced by the court to do anything, then why should he *have* to do anything.

I feel like I am still stuck in neutral because nothing with this divorce is going anywhere.  I am still living in flux.  How does one move on or start fresh or get off the porch when they're being weighed on by the reality of what their life is today?  Where am I supposed to muster the strength to throw a thumbs up, slap on a smile and press on when I'm wiping the tears from my eyes as I'm pulling into the parking lot of work on a Monday morning? 

I bet employers don't even realize that their very own employees call out sick not because they're ill but because they can't afford the gas to drive in to work.  I bet employers don't know that their very own people that they hand a gun and a badge to and say, "Go protect our County" go home at night and eat a can of green beans because that's all they have in the house to eat and payday isn't for another two days.  No one realized the other day when I had to pay the last of the money I had for my water pump that I didn't eat dinner the next day because I had no money for food.  I lied to the Marble's and told them I had a big lunch when in fact, I had not eaten lunch either.  I fear my life will be like this for longer than I can handle it and I wonder if throwing in the towel will seem like the best option and I will just let Him have the win.

Two Zero One Three

Another year has gone by and the divorce has continued to move through 2013 and will enter into 2014 just as unresolved as it was when He sat on the lanai in November of 2011 and told me he was leaving.  There is no resolution to the assets, no resolution to the debts, only an oral agreement with the "Shared Parenting Responsibility" and I feel like everything in my life has been thrown up in the air and is still just hanging there above my head in limbo.

My friends and family tell me that I don't know how strong I am and they're right I don't because I don't feel strong.  I feel like I just go through the motions of doing what I have to do to manage what I have to manage at the time it needs to be managed.  It's not strength.  It's muddling through the mucky waters because that's the path I'm on and what other choice do I have but just keep wading through it?

This past year was less about the shock of HIM leaving and more about the process to figure out how I was going to move on instead of hold on.  I had to let go. 

I had to let go of the anger that was eating away at me.

    The anger was a security blanket for me.  I felt I was entitled to the anger because look what He did to me.  Look what He did to us.  I had a right to be angry.  I let it consume me to the point where being angry trickled into my work, my attitude, my body language, my driving, the way I handled my Marble's.  I was mean to everyone.  I directed my anger at people and things that I had no business directing anger at.  Once, I was able to just let it go and choose not be so mad, living my daily life got a tad bit easier.  Don't get me wrong, the anger still lingers around, but it's not at the forefront of every emotion.  When Pink Marble asks to babysit Her kids my first reaction isn't to say no just because I hate the bitch for meddling in my marriage.  I realized that was my anger thinking for me and instead I understand that Pink Marble just wants to babysit and in the end it's not a big deal and I let it happen.  It wasn't worth it anymore.

 I had to let go of the insurmountable sadness that kept me in bed for days at a time unable to see past the next minute of my life.

   Oh the sadness.  The crying so hard I couldn't even breathe sometimes.  I'd sit on the tile floor in my bathroom and hold a towel to my face so my sobs would be muffled and the Mable's wouldn't hear me.  Those days I thought for sure I would never have a day that I didn't cry.  Today, I don't cry as much about what took Him away.   I cry about the life we should have had and that the one that I truly miss living.  I'm sad now for my Marble's because they're the ones who have suffered the biggest loss. The tears now are from my mistakes and how I should have been able to recognize them and make changes.  Those realizations still bring about sadness.

And with those realizations, I had to let go of the blame and take responsibility for my part in how I ended up at this point in my life. 

   This part wasn't easy.  In fact, it was one of those things were you end up taking a hard look at who you really are and conclude that there are some things about yourself that you need to change because they're just not working out they way you're doing them.  It took me meeting someone over the summer and having some pretty in-your-face discussions for me to reflect back on myself and be able to take ownership for my part in the marriage.  I spent a lot of time the last half of this year talking about who I am: my flaws, my weaknesses, my inability to "do".  What I took away from these conversations gave me some insight into how I handled things, not only in my marriage but also in my other relationship with people in my life. And how, moving forward, I will handle things differently when presented with circumstances which would have provoked me to use other behaviors. 
  
I think maybe I needed this year to have experiences I did so I could take what I learned and apply them to what I will encounter in 2014. 

Speak My Language

I'm really good at blaming myself for everything.  And, it doesn't help that I've had some pretty awesome men in my life that take to pointing the finger at me and strip me of my self esteem to where I feel like I haven't much mastered the art of knowing who I am much less how to love myself or anyone else for that matter.

 I am not a touchy-feely person.  For months leading up to Him leaving, I'd tell my girl friends, "I just don't want to be touched."  The thought of someone putting their arms around me made my skin feel like I was being poked with needles.  The Marbles would want to cuddle with me and for a few seconds I would be a big pile of goo holding them in my arms, then that moment would fade and all I could think was when they would be ready to get off me.  So, as you can imagine the not wanting to be touched trickled down to other intimate parts of my life and BAM....He found himself someone who did want to be touched and now here I am.  I have my Yellow Marble next to be in bed snoring and I'm alone.  But, I asked for this right?  I didn't want to be touched.  Therefore, no one is touching me.

I am still not one that feels comfortable being affectionate and I have realized perhaps it's just part of my personality.  While in a therapy session with the Marble's the therapist was talking about our different Love Languages.  There are five Love Languages:  Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service, Receiving Gifts, Quality Time and Physical Touch.  I knew immediately what Love Language I didn't speak-Physical Touch.  I also knew immediately which one I screamed from the rooftops of every house I lived in - "AHHHHH ACCCTTTS of SSSSERRRRRVVVICCEEEE".  Please let me show you how much I love you by doing your laundry, washing your floors, painting your house, cleaning your kitchen, vacuuming your floors, running your errands, driving you to the airport even if it's in the complete opposite direction I am going, writing your college essays for you, paying the bills on time, grocery shopping, making the bed and arranging all the decorative pillows so they look like it's out of a magazine.  You get the idea?  It's no wonder I speak this Love Language because it would explain my personality type and why I feel like I can't ever relax because I feel so much love for those around me that I always have to be doing stuff for them.  See, it all makes sense.  It's just He never realized it.  He never saw that when he came home and he had clean underwear and freshly washed sheets to sleep on and a clean floor to walk on and a shiny table to eat off of that it was oozing love.  That was my gigantic hug to him. 

I Think I Swallowed a Boulder

There has been this heaviness in my gut for more than a year.  Some days I feel like maybe I have been able to briefly shake it, but eventually it creeps up again and there it looms.  It's a heaviness that keeps me from ever feeling like I can just relax.  And, I'm ready for that feeling to go away.

I spent about a year and a half alone without someone to fill the emptiness of my time once He left.  Then, out of nowhere, I met someone who made that heaviness in my gut subside and the smile on my face reappear.  But, there was work to do.  I had realized during the year and half that I was alone why He had left and what part I played in his departure and I accepted responsibility for that.  Something else I realized was I'm a difficult person to love and it's just who I am.

Who am I?

I am hard working and I like for things to be organized.  When things are not organized, I am the person to get them organized.

I have a hard time relaxing and I constantly have to be doing something because I always have something to do.

I am good at taking care of the day-to-day practical necessities.

I can be very funny, straight forward and honest.

I am a problem solver.  My mentality is, "Let's fix it."

I am fast-paced.  I walk fast, drive fast, eat fast, talk fast, work fast. 

I don't like to be alone.  I need people I can depend on. 

I can be extremely judgmental.

I am often stubborn, inflexible, unreasonable, and overly rigid.

I can be materialistic.
   
I tend to believe I'm always right and have a hard time listening to other people's opinions.

I can be insensitive and inadvertently hurt others so I have become really good at saying, "I'm sorry."
   
I am very uncomfortable with change.

I take my commitments in relationships very seriously and I look for lifelong relationships.

I dislike repeated mistakes.

I go the extra mile and put a great deal of effort into everything I do.

I found that both in my marriage and in the new relationship both men found that a lot of these things about me were my downfalls. Some of these things about me for years I were told are my greatest enemies have actually been my loyal servants.  It is because of them that I am who I am.

Mind Games

You know how when you hear about someone who has dealt with a traumatic experience they have certain ways of coping with things that help them get through the experience?  Well, I think I am reaching for whatever type of means of coping I can grasp on to in order to get through this divorce.  I realize I am not the first person to get divorced.  I know there are a lot of people out there that are going through similar situations, but for me this is my life, my divorce and man, it fucking sucks.

My mind is my worst enemy most days.  It likes to tell stories.  It likes to embellish things that might or have happened to bring about my anxiety and then I can be found buffing the stainless steel refrigerator for an hour to make sure there are so streaks, hazy spots or smears.  My mind loves to fuck with me with "what if" sceneraio's or "if I just would have" thoughts that I find myself consumed with trying to think back at all the things I missed that caused me to end up in this position.  My mind speculates about what the future will hold for me and flips back to the past and makes me wish I was still living in that time.  It likes to distort reality and bring in all the great things about the past and weave it in with all the bad things about the present to create all kinds of uncertainty about the future.

I deal with things by being passive aggressive, sarcastic or sleeping.  I have been worried about the court date and the open house and meeting Her and how my Marble's will adjust to His house and home.  I have worried about what I am going to say when I see Her and all the things that I want to say to Him about how bad he's messed everything up for everyone. 

I think both Him and Her are selfish.  Possibly the most selfish people who are walking this planet at this moment right now.  I don't understand it and I know it's not for me to understand but perhaps someone can explain to me how two adults can think it's best for one adult to leave his family and another adult thinks it's right to move her children in with said guy and expect things to work out and be harmonious?  I think about how my Marble's are going to be ten years from now.  And, how her children are going to be ten years from now.  Because, really, these five kids are the ones who have undoubtedly suffered the most in this.  Neither Him nor Her had the children's best interests in mind.  They moved forward for their own selfish desires and left this mess in their wake.

August 20th will be my 13 year wedding anniversary.  On that day, I will still be married.  But, the marriage has been broken.  Thanks to them there are six people suffering from their choices.  My mind won't rest for a long time.  I'm stuck in this hell trying to cope with seeing her with my husband and my Marble's.  I have to take my Marble's to a therapist so they can articulate exactly how they feel about this situation.  It's sad.  I think my mind is fucked up, I can't imagine what runs through my Marble's minds in all this chaos. 

I have to be the strong, stable one.  I have to be positive and remain the mother that I know I can be.  I have to push these thoughts out of my head and regroup and move forward.  I can only be accountable for my actions and the way I handle the situations that come before me.  God, I wish I could convince myself of this for real and not just on this blog.

Acceptance

It has been a long road these last eight months.  There have been days when lying in my bed even took too much energy.  There have been days when I didn't think I could make it another second without collapsing into myself and never being able to come out as anything more than damaged goods.  The five stages of grief are pretty dead on.  I held on to the first four stages and dug my nails into them for longer than what I would have liked, but I find that I might be moving on to the last and final stage, Acceptance.

I genuinely feel I am good at split second decisions.  My job as taught me that not only do I have gut instinct but my intuition is dead on and if I follow my gut instinct it always ends up being right.  But, yesterday I found myself in a situation where my integrity, morals, character, gut instinct and overall motherly abilities where on the line and I was given about half of a half of a second to either do what I needed to do to prove to my Marble's that I am resilient or I could put on the boxing gloves and jump into the ring. 

Him and I had been fighting all morning about when I was supposed to come get my two Marble's from his house who had been with him since they had returned from Michigan.  He refused to give me the gate code to his uber-Pleasantville residential community and he was just being difficult about my time with the Marble's.  So, I told him I would be at this house at 10am to get the Marble's and after a heated exchange he hung up on me.

There were a few things I knew before going into this "pick-up" at his new house.

1.  I knew I didn't want to go by myself to his house.(But I did.)

2.  I knew She wasn't working and would be there and ultimately, I'd be meeting her. (Put on cute jeans, lip gloss and did my hair.)

3.  I knew what the Marble's had told me about their new rooms at His house and their new this and that He had gotten for them and all I could think about was what a shit place I must live in because I couldn't afford to get my Marble's anything new while they were away visiting in Michigan.

4.  I knew I had to get Blue Marble to at least go to His house with me.  If only for a second, so the transition could start for her.  (This took tons of coaxing and a little bribing.)

5. I knew my anxiety level was at its peak.  My heart was racing.  I was nervous.  I wish this wasn't happening.

When I arrived at his house, his truck was not there.  There was some confusion, yet relief because I wasn't going to have to deal with Him and Her at the same time.  My Yellow Marble threw open the door of his "new" house and wanted me to come in and see her "new" room.  I asked if her daddy was home and she told me no, so I asked if I could speak to Her to see if it was ok for me to come into their house to see Yellow Marble's room.  At that moment, she appeared at the door and invited me into the house that she moved from Michigan to live in with my husband.  I was staring her in the face.  I had played this moment over in my head a million times about what I would do or say when I first met her.  Was I going to just lay into her and let her know exactly how bad she fucked everything up?  Was I going to claw her face off and kick her in the gut and try to cause as much physical pain on her as she caused emotionally on me?  I had a hundred different one liners that I wanted to say; little jabs to make her aware of the havoc she has caused in my life and the lives of my Marble's.  But, there she was.  And there I was.  I looked at her in person I saw a homely, unkempt, slightly overweight woman with graying hair and zits on her chin and I almost busted out laughing at the weed he chose to leave me for on his greener grass over there on the other side.

This woman who had caused me such heart ache and such devastation stood before me and the only thing I could think to do was pity her for diving into the mess that she had gotten herself into with my family.  What a fucking fool you are, Lady!

Her two kids and my Yellow Marble were all very excited to have me in the house.  Her kids are six and two and a half and I am positive they had no clue who I was.  They were overly excited to show me their rooms and all their toys and everything "new" to them in their new environment.  My Pink and Yellow Marble were the same way.  "Mom, look at this.  Look at my new room.  Look at our new bathroom."  I smiled and acted like that I was seeing was the most amazing thing ever.  Her kids would show me their baby doll and I acted like it was the most incredible baby doll I had ever laid eyes on.  My Marble would point out something in the house and I acted like it was the most amazing object that ever graced a home in Southwest Florida.  The whole situation was surreal and utter chaos.

I'm not sure when it all came about because in all the craziness of five kids all wanting my undivided attention, two of which were my nemesis' little ones, it was mentioned that Her kids should see my Marble's rooms at my house.  The excitement built.  You would have thought Santa had walked into the room carrying puppies for everyone.  Kids were jumping on the beds cheering.  One of Her kids had already run to her room to pack a bag for a sleepover at my house.  I felt like I was cornered.  Everyone thought it was the best idea in the world to have Her kids come to MY house to see MY Marble's stuff and I was the only one looking like a deer in head lights thinking, "What the fuck is going on?" She made no attempts to quiet her kids about coming over.  In fact, She pretty much wanted to push her children into my arms and send all six of us out the door immediately.  I didn't know what to do or what to say in this situation. This was not the scene I play out in my head at all.  I was already overcome with every emotion imaginable.  I had just met the woman who fucked up my life.  I am standing the home that she has made now with my husband looking at the places where my Marble's are going to sleep when they are in that house.  Everyone was all excited except for me and I was forced to say something so......

I agreed.

Cheer erupted from all corners of the house.  My two Marble's were all excited that Her kids got to see my house.  Her kids were all excited to see my house.  She was all excited to get everyone out of her house and next thing I knew I had Her daughter in my car and She was following me to my house with my Pink Marble and her baby in the car behind me so everyone could have one big happy dysfunctional playdate.

When we arrived in my driveway I knew She was going to come in and get a tour from the Marble's and they did just that.  My house isn't just a house, it's a home.  I made sure of that when we bought our house that I made it into a place that showed it was us who lived there.  There are family pictures still on the walls.  There are pictures of Him and me still lingering on the walls, in the laundry room and hung up with magnets on the Marble's school lockers in the laundry room.  She went from room to room not nearly acting as excited about what she was seeing as I was acting when I was at Her house.  I wondered what was going through her mind.  Now, within minutes the tables were turned.  She was on my turf.  She was in the home that I shared with her new boyfriend.  What the fuck was going through her mind?

Her children stayed at my house for six hours.  I tended to them as if they were my own including making sure the little one went to the bathroom on the potty because She was potty training the baby.  I watched them like a hawk in the pool, made sure they had full bellies and played with them like I would anyone else's children.  I did this because I am a mother.  I define myself first as a mom.  A good mother.  And, it was absolutely necessary for my Marble's to see me and Her tolerate each others presence and be cordial so there was peace in that moment.  It was necessary for my Marble's to see their mother have respect for someone who disrespected me, be kind to someone who was not kind to me and be strong when I feel I am at the weakest point in my life.  I didn't want the Marble's to feel scared that I was going to do anything to Her nor did I want them to witness any kind of fighting.  There might have been another way YOU would have handled that situation, but as a mother of three Marble's who are going through a living hell right now taking Her children to my house for a play date was possibly what needed to happen at that moment.

When the day was over and I laid in bed last night thinking about the events of the day, I wasn't sure I did the right thing.  I talked to a lot of people yesterday, including my therapist, about the situation and I tried to pick their brains for what Her motivation might have been to so eagerly send her children with me to my house.  In the end, I figured out what it was.  In fact, She told me what it was.  She needed a break.  She had not had a break in six weeks and She needed a break.  Apparently, I was the one who was going to give it to her.  Somehow She felt that raging bitch who called her twice many months ago and screamed every derogatory word you could call a female was okay enough to hang out with her kids.  I don't get it.  I don't know if I will ever do it again.  But, it bridged a gap.  The meeting yesterday was nothing I expected it to be but made me accept the change that is happening in my life and for a brief moment I was okay with what I had seen at their house and what I had seen looking at her and I felt like I was going to pull through this.  

Which Way is Out

I started down the path of doing things for myself which included seeking help with this depression thingie I have going on.  I felt like I was standing in the woods and all I could see before me were trees.  There was no clear, defined way out.  After going to the psychiatrist and counselor, I have been able to vaguely see a path off in the distance which I think is the one I am supposed to take to get me out of this mess of emotions I have been dealing with.

The psychiatrist said I have "situational depression", anxiety and OCD.  I really didn't need to go to her to be given that diagnosis.  I already knew these things and I think every one around me was well aware of these three things that trigger the tears that seem to fall from my eyes on a daily basis.  My therapist wants me to go have "fun".  I am not even sure I know what that is.  I know it's fun to hang out with my friends. I know it's fun to travel.  I know it's fun to play games with the Marble's, but am I really having fun while I am doing it?

This past week I found myself in situations where I was on the verge of tears.  I have gotten pretty good at my eyes filling up with tears and somehow being able to not let them fall from my eyes when I am in social situations.  However, in doing that my face gets red, my lips start to quiver and I take a defensive sitting position in which my arms are folded across my chest and my legs are crossed tightly one over the other.  I took this position the other night at the Blue's house when they had a small gathering of friends over.  The men started talking about the child support that they **had** to pay and I could feel myself not only getting angry but I was on the verge of a huge cry.  I grabbed my things, said bye to everyone and asked my friend Blue to drive me home.  As soon as we got in the car he asked me if I was ok.  Before he would even get the "ok" out he said, "Nevermind I know you're not." And, the crying began.  Those big, fat tears that don't roll down my cheeks but instead fall from my eyes gushed out of me.  There are certain people I feel safe crying around.  The Blue's are two of them.  I cry nonstop and I cry nonstop around them.  I can't imagine why they continue to stick around and still come by and still invite me to do things when I am such a crazy mess.

I was explaining this particular crying spell to my therapist and she told me I am giving Him power.  Why did he do this to me?  How could he do this to our family?  Why doesn't he love me anymore?  Why he did have the affair?  I am allowing myself to be a victim.  In being the victim, I am giving him the power to have me feel this way.  I do feel like I am a victim in this but I have never been the type of person to play the victim card or sit back and allow someone to make me feel as horrible as he makes me feel.  I have to take that power away from him.  I am not sure how to do it but I am going to try.

In the meantime, I am going to continue to cling to the Blue's and to my friends and family up north for support.  I swear if I didn't hear the voices of my mom and A on a daily basis I would probably have collapsed into a puddle of goo by now.  My therapist also said I need to allow time to work itself out.  I don't like hearing that but deep down I know it's true.  Right now Time can kiss my ass because it's working way too slow.  I want to fast forward and not have to work through this uncomfortableness.  I want to not have to put so much effort into pretending to be strong when I know that I am not strong right now.

I'm am taking baby steps toward that clearing in the woods; toward that path that will lead me out of this mess.  I just hope it doesn't take too much longer to reach the end.