Everything has changed, but nothing has changed.
The "Everything" that has changed is that he's gone. It's a huge absence in the house. The barbeque grill that he used on a near daily basis has been left to rust out on the lanai. The sound of the garage door opening at 430 in the afternoon has gone silent. There is no anticipation of his arrival home. There is no one to talk to in the morning about my day.
When I'd be coming home from work in the morning I used to get excited when I'd see the light in my bathroom on as I drove down the road toward my house. It meant that he was awake and in the shower and that I'd have his attention to excitedly recap my night to him. I laugh to myself thinking about how I essentially cornered him and forced him to listen. He never cared about my job or what I did. He'd say, "It's all cop talk!" and just nod his head probably not even paying attention to a word I was saying and instead thinking about his next "fishing trip" to see her. But, it's the little things I miss. It's the little things that are hard to adjust to and hard to not notice that they're not there.
However, I have tried to maintain as much normalcy for the sake of the Marble's as I possibly can. Bedtime is still 830 sharp. Only now they sleep in each others rooms or in my bed or we pull Yellow Marble's mattress from her bunk and plop it down on the floor of my room and all four of us fall asleep watching Good Luck Charlie. Laundry still gets folded, separated into piles and laid out on the floor in the living room. Only difference is none of his stuff is coming through the wash. I still don't make dinner and if I do it's chicken or spaghetti. All the family pictures are still on display in the house, except our wedding picture which was hanging up in my room and facing my bed so I stared at it every night torturing myself as I tried to fall asleep. I took the picture down and put it in the closet. It was my favorite picture. It was the picture that captured how happy were were the day we got married. Funny how those words we promised to each other meant something for 12 years yet in a few months they could go from having meaning to meaning absolutely nothing.
I still maintain an impeccably clean house and stress out when things are out of place. I still have my areas that I allow to get messy and sometimes I let dust collect on the tables longer than I would have in the past. I still spend my evenings on the lanai. Just sitting there pondering what will come of all this and how I am going to deal with what lies in front of me. I still get the Marble's to and from school every single day. They know they can count on me to get them there on time and be there early to pick them up. Nothing there has changed. I still pack Blue Marble's lunch all the time because I know exactly how she likes her sandwich right down to the way it's cut and placed in the Ziploc bag.
I am trying to keep things how they were before he left in an attempt to create stability for the Marble's. I want them to endure. I want them to one day look back at this time in their lives and see that I was the glue that was holding it all together. Even though inside I am shattered into a million pieces, I want them to know that all the things I am doing... I am doing for them. And, I hope that these choices and decisions and mistakes and fights and outbursts and crying and laughing and everything that's all smooched up that is going on right now will play out in their heads in years to come and they will come to me with a simple "Thank you" and I will know that all this pain and shit that I have been wading in didn't change them from being the wonderful girls I want them to grow up to be.
Monday, May 14, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Choice: Strength?
It's Mother's Day.
I'll be spending my first Mother's Day as a single mom at work without my Marble's. I am making it a point to get up earlier than normal, drive to his condo and go to lunch with them. I am going to bask in those few hours I have with each one of them because they are what keep me waking up every day. I know that there is no way I could ever leave my Blue Marble without me. I know that there is no one else who can scoop up Yellow Marble and baby talk her and still to this day, nine years later, convince her that she is still a "tiny baby". I've referred to her as a tiny baby ever since the day she was born. I could never leave Pink Marble because I am her biggest cheerleader. There is no one else on this planet who has the faith in her that I do. No one else who believes in her ability to accomplish great things like I do. She is so incredibly gifted and I wake up each day wondering what amazing thing she will accomplish in the the world.
But, they're the only thing that keeps me going right now. I feel like a big engine on a steam train that has been screeching to a halt for months and metal on metal is piercing my ear drums but I can't stop. I want to stop. Everything in me is telling me to give up; to press the breaks a little bit harder and just stop. But I keep chugging along. It's by no means fun. In fact, it's been quite depressing. Sometimes I think I am fooling those around me but I get the messages that say, "I'm worried about you." or "Go talk to someone." I am fielding questions and looking for answers that I have no idea about. I get asked how I'm doing and I lie because does it even matter? The person who has made me feel like this doesn't care how I'm feeling so explaining to anyone how I feel on any given day will just be the same redundant crap that I have been saying for months. Honestly, I feel like shit. I feel like I am a walking open wound. An infected one. That's all pussy and crusty around the edges. I feel like I look like that too. So, it's difficult to conduct myself in a way that is pleasant and fun to be around when I have this gaping hole dead center in my chest.
The other night I was sitting on the couch talking to Pink Marble. She told me she misses me when she is at his condo. It was the first time she expressed an emotion like that to me in a long time. I started crying and told her how much I missed her when she is gone. She was consoling me. My 12 year old was telling me it was going to be ok. Somehow, she already knows that it's going to be ok and I don't. She has somehow seen into the future and can tell me that I am going to be ok even though I am convinced I will never be ok. It's amazing to me how my Marble's have handled this divorce. They have gone through a lot of changes in their lives. But they hang on. They look for the good in situations. They look for the good in other people. People they shouldn't look for the good in they do. Is that a reflection on how I've raised them? That even though that woman has so painfully and mercilessly driven a wedge between our family, these Marble's (well two of them) can find good in her??
When the Marble's were younger and we lived in Michigan and we had the influence of family around I was always doted on for my creative ways for redirecting bad behavior and being able to use words to express what I wanted my Marble's to do instead of actions. And, I would tell the Marble's the same things. "Use your words," I'd tell them when they'd come to me whining about something "Put on your listening ears." I'd say and with a smug look on their face they'd reach their hands to their ears and twist as if they were putting on "listening" ears. When they would hit each other I'd take their little chubby hands and brush it over their sisters arm and say, "Nice touches." Those little things I did with them when they were little were seen as great alternatives to spanking or time outs. I never agreed with spanking and time outs weren't anything that I was a fan of, so I always tried to redirect the behavior. Even when the Marble's would fall, they'd look at me about to cry and I'd start clapping my hands and act all happy and immediately their demeanor would change and the tears would disappear and they'd get right back up and press on.
I need to press on, too, don't I? I want to but my thinking is the person who was my cheerleader, the man who stood up and clapped for me when I fell has left and I'm laying here on the ground listening for that positive energy and it's not coming.
Whenever my friend ends her messages with me she writes, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." Somehow I have managed to be strong enough to get me through this far and my Marble's have shown tremendous strength. Because, she's right. Right now, being strong IS the only choice I have.
Fuck.
I'll be spending my first Mother's Day as a single mom at work without my Marble's. I am making it a point to get up earlier than normal, drive to his condo and go to lunch with them. I am going to bask in those few hours I have with each one of them because they are what keep me waking up every day. I know that there is no way I could ever leave my Blue Marble without me. I know that there is no one else who can scoop up Yellow Marble and baby talk her and still to this day, nine years later, convince her that she is still a "tiny baby". I've referred to her as a tiny baby ever since the day she was born. I could never leave Pink Marble because I am her biggest cheerleader. There is no one else on this planet who has the faith in her that I do. No one else who believes in her ability to accomplish great things like I do. She is so incredibly gifted and I wake up each day wondering what amazing thing she will accomplish in the the world.
But, they're the only thing that keeps me going right now. I feel like a big engine on a steam train that has been screeching to a halt for months and metal on metal is piercing my ear drums but I can't stop. I want to stop. Everything in me is telling me to give up; to press the breaks a little bit harder and just stop. But I keep chugging along. It's by no means fun. In fact, it's been quite depressing. Sometimes I think I am fooling those around me but I get the messages that say, "I'm worried about you." or "Go talk to someone." I am fielding questions and looking for answers that I have no idea about. I get asked how I'm doing and I lie because does it even matter? The person who has made me feel like this doesn't care how I'm feeling so explaining to anyone how I feel on any given day will just be the same redundant crap that I have been saying for months. Honestly, I feel like shit. I feel like I am a walking open wound. An infected one. That's all pussy and crusty around the edges. I feel like I look like that too. So, it's difficult to conduct myself in a way that is pleasant and fun to be around when I have this gaping hole dead center in my chest.
The other night I was sitting on the couch talking to Pink Marble. She told me she misses me when she is at his condo. It was the first time she expressed an emotion like that to me in a long time. I started crying and told her how much I missed her when she is gone. She was consoling me. My 12 year old was telling me it was going to be ok. Somehow, she already knows that it's going to be ok and I don't. She has somehow seen into the future and can tell me that I am going to be ok even though I am convinced I will never be ok. It's amazing to me how my Marble's have handled this divorce. They have gone through a lot of changes in their lives. But they hang on. They look for the good in situations. They look for the good in other people. People they shouldn't look for the good in they do. Is that a reflection on how I've raised them? That even though that woman has so painfully and mercilessly driven a wedge between our family, these Marble's (well two of them) can find good in her??
When the Marble's were younger and we lived in Michigan and we had the influence of family around I was always doted on for my creative ways for redirecting bad behavior and being able to use words to express what I wanted my Marble's to do instead of actions. And, I would tell the Marble's the same things. "Use your words," I'd tell them when they'd come to me whining about something "Put on your listening ears." I'd say and with a smug look on their face they'd reach their hands to their ears and twist as if they were putting on "listening" ears. When they would hit each other I'd take their little chubby hands and brush it over their sisters arm and say, "Nice touches." Those little things I did with them when they were little were seen as great alternatives to spanking or time outs. I never agreed with spanking and time outs weren't anything that I was a fan of, so I always tried to redirect the behavior. Even when the Marble's would fall, they'd look at me about to cry and I'd start clapping my hands and act all happy and immediately their demeanor would change and the tears would disappear and they'd get right back up and press on.
I need to press on, too, don't I? I want to but my thinking is the person who was my cheerleader, the man who stood up and clapped for me when I fell has left and I'm laying here on the ground listening for that positive energy and it's not coming.
Whenever my friend ends her messages with me she writes, "You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have." Somehow I have managed to be strong enough to get me through this far and my Marble's have shown tremendous strength. Because, she's right. Right now, being strong IS the only choice I have.
Fuck.
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Modern Family
Last night on Modern Family Jay Pritchett said of his divorce that staying with his children when they were little was more important to him than divorcing his wife.
I wish more men thought this way.
He went on to say that he waited until his children were grown to get his divorce.
Choosing to stay with your family over getting a divorce to be with your skank who lives 1200 miles away would have been the RIGHT thing to do. But, doing the right thing doesn't apply to him anymore. And that causes me so much confusion and sadness.
I wish more men thought this way.
He went on to say that he waited until his children were grown to get his divorce.
Choosing to stay with your family over getting a divorce to be with your skank who lives 1200 miles away would have been the RIGHT thing to do. But, doing the right thing doesn't apply to him anymore. And that causes me so much confusion and sadness.
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Clarity
In my moment of clarity, I know I did nothing wrong. But those moments are once a week at best. They come when someone says something poignant to me, something that no one else has said yet and I think to myself, "Yeah. It's not me. It was him."
The self-loathing is what I'm good at, though. And issues that were put on the back burner throughout the course of my marriage have crept back up with such force that they have taken over me and I accept all my flaws as truths.
I need to not do that. I need to, everyone once in a while, listen to what those people are telling me and not brush off their compliments.
Today, not only did I accept a compliment but my moment of clarity lasted well over nine hours.
What I determined as I emerged from my haze is that if given the opportunity and the temptation, a man will cheat. That husband of yours that you think is so loyal and true to you will screw you over in a second if the time is right. You think it won't happen to you? So did I.
My marriage wasn't perfect. I know that. But, it was my marriage and to me it was as perfect as it could get. We didn't enjoy the same past times but what time we didn't spend together on our own social lives we made up for in family time. We did a lot of things as a family. We were a phenomenal team. The way we handled situations as a couple were admired by our family and friends. But then this other person showed up and while I was off working overnights so our Marble's didn't have to live in day care, he was drinking on the lanai reminiscing about 1990 with his old girlfriend from high school. That's the opportunity part there. I wasn't there to monitor the situation, therefore he felt he could carry on this affair. Then the temptation came and it was all downhill. Somehow she made it seem like life with her would be so much better than life with me and he took the bait and away he went.
Any one of you could have this happen to you. All it takes is that one email or facebook friend request, one girl giving him the googly eyes at work and paying a little bit more attention to him that you are and suddenly what was a loving, trusting marriage falls apart right before you and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
These moments of clarity tend to make me a man hater. I guess I am entitled to feel like that right now. Perhaps it's better to hate on all the males in the world then hate on myself?
The self-loathing is what I'm good at, though. And issues that were put on the back burner throughout the course of my marriage have crept back up with such force that they have taken over me and I accept all my flaws as truths.
I need to not do that. I need to, everyone once in a while, listen to what those people are telling me and not brush off their compliments.
Today, not only did I accept a compliment but my moment of clarity lasted well over nine hours.
What I determined as I emerged from my haze is that if given the opportunity and the temptation, a man will cheat. That husband of yours that you think is so loyal and true to you will screw you over in a second if the time is right. You think it won't happen to you? So did I.
My marriage wasn't perfect. I know that. But, it was my marriage and to me it was as perfect as it could get. We didn't enjoy the same past times but what time we didn't spend together on our own social lives we made up for in family time. We did a lot of things as a family. We were a phenomenal team. The way we handled situations as a couple were admired by our family and friends. But then this other person showed up and while I was off working overnights so our Marble's didn't have to live in day care, he was drinking on the lanai reminiscing about 1990 with his old girlfriend from high school. That's the opportunity part there. I wasn't there to monitor the situation, therefore he felt he could carry on this affair. Then the temptation came and it was all downhill. Somehow she made it seem like life with her would be so much better than life with me and he took the bait and away he went.
Any one of you could have this happen to you. All it takes is that one email or facebook friend request, one girl giving him the googly eyes at work and paying a little bit more attention to him that you are and suddenly what was a loving, trusting marriage falls apart right before you and there's nothing you can do to stop it.
These moments of clarity tend to make me a man hater. I guess I am entitled to feel like that right now. Perhaps it's better to hate on all the males in the world then hate on myself?
Monday, May 7, 2012
I'm still flip flopping between denial and depression. Only the denial now comes in the form of wondering how he could just not help me at all financially with bills. The mortgage payment is stressing me out. It's so important that it gets paid. I don't want to have another foreclosure. We worked so hard to buy this house, why would he just want to see it fall apart? This is where his children live. This is our home. Doesn't he see that? What part of his brain is allowing him to make these decisions that are so negatively affecting us?
I'm so sick of crying every day. I am so sick of hearing what my friends have done over the weekend with their families and I look around that my family that has been torn apart. I want to just stop talking to everyone because I don't really care about what anyone has going on in their lives right now. I am starting not to even care what is going on in mine. I hate myself for how I can't pull myself out of this and move forward. I hate how I look. I hate that my hair is frizzy and thighs are big and my ass is huge. I hate that flab of skin I have that is a constant reminder of how fat I was and how I still haven't reached the goal that I have been striving to achieve for years now. I have ugly hands. My chin has zits all over it. My eyes are blood shot and red and puffy because I cry nonstop.
Why did he do this to us? Why doesn't he care?
I'm so sick of crying every day. I am so sick of hearing what my friends have done over the weekend with their families and I look around that my family that has been torn apart. I want to just stop talking to everyone because I don't really care about what anyone has going on in their lives right now. I am starting not to even care what is going on in mine. I hate myself for how I can't pull myself out of this and move forward. I hate how I look. I hate that my hair is frizzy and thighs are big and my ass is huge. I hate that flab of skin I have that is a constant reminder of how fat I was and how I still haven't reached the goal that I have been striving to achieve for years now. I have ugly hands. My chin has zits all over it. My eyes are blood shot and red and puffy because I cry nonstop.
Why did he do this to us? Why doesn't he care?
Sunday, May 6, 2012
When Something Was Broken, We'd Fix It
So much for positive thinking. It's entirely too difficult to think positive when everything around me is a constant reminder of the poor choices he made.
I saw this today online:
This was us. We always fixed it.
Our marriage was not broken when he had his affair. Sure, he will tell you otherwise, but I can say with all confidence that our marriage was 100% intact. I am not sure what he felt was missing although he has run the gamut telling me all his reasons. The best one he said was the one where he told me he felt like a stay-at-home-dad because I worked nights and he had no one to talk to at night. I find this amusing because for almost eight years I was a stay-at-home-mom at his request. He was all about me staying home with the kids until the last one went to school full time and that is exactly what I did. Then, when I did get a job I needed to find one with health insurance. I found the job I currently have and the only way to make it work was for me to accept the position on nights.
When I left the house in the evening for the 14 days a month that I worked, I wasn't out gallivanting around town whoring it up with a beer in my hand. I actually was doing a very stressful job that was completely different than the stress I was used to when I was home raising the Marbles. I supplemented our income so he could have his boat, our mini vacations, nice houses and reliable cars. If me working nights was such a big deal why didn't he tell me before it got so bad for him that he had to resort to answering calls from his exgirlfriend whom he dated in 1991.
What does it take for a man to toe the line between doing what's right and having an affair? He told me that she liked to fish, go to the beach and drink beer. He knew 13 years ago I didn't enjoy any of those things. He told me that he never fell out of love with her. Yet, every time her name was ever mentioned he wasted no time talking about what a psycho she was.
My heart is completely broken and he tells me that wasn't his intention. What did he think was going to happen to me when he did these things? Did he really think I wasn't going to figure it all out? Did he really think that morning he returned home from his "fishing trip" where he didn't catch any fish, he didn't have a sunburn and he didn't take his boat that I was really buying that he indeed was in Everglades City fishing? And, I think about that friend of his who invited us to dinner one night. I went because the Marble's wanted me to go dancing with them. That friend of his knew about the affair yet looked me in the eyes and talked to me as if he was the most honest, trustworthy friend a person could have. It's amazing what kind of people there are in this world. I never thought I married a man that could so quickly turn his back on this family and move right on to another relationship.
He doesn't have to feel what being alone feels like since he jumped into things with her. He probably gets text messages from her in the morning telling him to have a good day when I was able to say it to his face. He has that reassurance that when things get bad there is someone there on his team to listen to him vent and offer a sympathetic ear. He hasn't felt that pain of feeling your heart break into a thousand tiny pieces all while still trying maintain a career and home life. He has no idea what it feels like to fall asleep at night knowing that when you wake up all the remnants of this divorce will continue to play out hour after hour, minute by minute.
When something was broken, we would fix it. He would fix it. He fixed everything. Why didn't he feel it was important enough to fix what he felt was broken in our marriage?
I saw this today online:
Our marriage was not broken when he had his affair. Sure, he will tell you otherwise, but I can say with all confidence that our marriage was 100% intact. I am not sure what he felt was missing although he has run the gamut telling me all his reasons. The best one he said was the one where he told me he felt like a stay-at-home-dad because I worked nights and he had no one to talk to at night. I find this amusing because for almost eight years I was a stay-at-home-mom at his request. He was all about me staying home with the kids until the last one went to school full time and that is exactly what I did. Then, when I did get a job I needed to find one with health insurance. I found the job I currently have and the only way to make it work was for me to accept the position on nights.
When I left the house in the evening for the 14 days a month that I worked, I wasn't out gallivanting around town whoring it up with a beer in my hand. I actually was doing a very stressful job that was completely different than the stress I was used to when I was home raising the Marbles. I supplemented our income so he could have his boat, our mini vacations, nice houses and reliable cars. If me working nights was such a big deal why didn't he tell me before it got so bad for him that he had to resort to answering calls from his exgirlfriend whom he dated in 1991.
What does it take for a man to toe the line between doing what's right and having an affair? He told me that she liked to fish, go to the beach and drink beer. He knew 13 years ago I didn't enjoy any of those things. He told me that he never fell out of love with her. Yet, every time her name was ever mentioned he wasted no time talking about what a psycho she was.
My heart is completely broken and he tells me that wasn't his intention. What did he think was going to happen to me when he did these things? Did he really think I wasn't going to figure it all out? Did he really think that morning he returned home from his "fishing trip" where he didn't catch any fish, he didn't have a sunburn and he didn't take his boat that I was really buying that he indeed was in Everglades City fishing? And, I think about that friend of his who invited us to dinner one night. I went because the Marble's wanted me to go dancing with them. That friend of his knew about the affair yet looked me in the eyes and talked to me as if he was the most honest, trustworthy friend a person could have. It's amazing what kind of people there are in this world. I never thought I married a man that could so quickly turn his back on this family and move right on to another relationship.
He doesn't have to feel what being alone feels like since he jumped into things with her. He probably gets text messages from her in the morning telling him to have a good day when I was able to say it to his face. He has that reassurance that when things get bad there is someone there on his team to listen to him vent and offer a sympathetic ear. He hasn't felt that pain of feeling your heart break into a thousand tiny pieces all while still trying maintain a career and home life. He has no idea what it feels like to fall asleep at night knowing that when you wake up all the remnants of this divorce will continue to play out hour after hour, minute by minute.
When something was broken, we would fix it. He would fix it. He fixed everything. Why didn't he feel it was important enough to fix what he felt was broken in our marriage?
An Attempt at Positivity
Maybe it's the fact that Cheat Day was today and I gorged on pretty much everything that passed in front of my mouth. Maybe it's due to the fact that I was able to get in some serious house maintenance today which included work that he would do outside the house that involved weed whipping and driving the tractor. Or maybe it's the Ambien. Whatever it is, I am determined to come up with ten things that I feel positive about starting right now (and I am going to write them in complete sentences):
1. I feel positive today because I was able to find Pink Marble an article of clothing in the size she needed at JCPenney where I have convinced myself it's the only store that sells these specific articles of clothing for women in sizes suitable for every woman's body. And Pink Marble was pleased.
2. I was asked to wash Yellow Marble's hair today while she was in the bath tub. This was something we used to do when she was younger. I'd be scrubbing her hair and ask her questions like she was at the hair salon. Today's question was, "So, did you hang out with any cool people today?" (ME! ME! Say your mom!!) She giggled and said, "Yea, Myselffffffff!" It made me laugh. We also made sure we wash all of her hair which includes, obviously, the hair on her head, her eyebrows, her back hair, her armpit hair and her chest hair. She tries to convince me every time that she doesn't have hair on her back, armpits or chest but I believe it's there and needed to be cleaned.
3. I am thankful that I was able to get the weed whipper started and was able to edge around the house and flower beds and around the palm trees. I even wore my gardening gloves. Then I charged the battery on the tractor and got it to start and cut the grass. Now, my outside looks like the Jones'.
....this is getting difficult.....
4. The Marble's have been happy all weekend because we have the Blue's dog visiting us while they are away on a mini vacation.
5. I am thankful for a new friend that I have and whom I will soon be working with that has a great, funny, positive attitude and I am looking forward for great things to happen in the months to come.
6. I feel better after reading an article on DETNEWS.com that a reporter wrote about the suicide of that football player. The reporter wrote about his own battles with depression and some of the things he talked about were things that I have felt. It made me feel like in dealing with this depression I'm not abnormal. A few things that I took away from the article was where he wrote, "With depression, there are no bright colors. A good day is a light gray or a muted blue. Most days are just gray. A bad day is pitch black."
Most of my days right now are gray. A few times a week I travel into the pitch black. I haven't seen the light gray or muted blue until today. He also discussed his philosophy, " As a working philosophy, "just get through the day," doesn't leave much room for joy or happiness or contentment or love or anything other than the relief of getting through. An unanswerable question for people like me is, "What do you do for fun?" I realized that my depression causes me not to really do anything fun. So, maybe I need to start back doing the things I enjoyed. Like running.....I'd love to start running again and maybe if I just "get through" that first one it will be the catalyst to get me through more.
7. I am happy tonight because I have my two Marble's home with me. One is in my bed snoring away and the other claimed her spot on the couch. I love having them with me. Pink Marble is spending the night at her friends house.
....I need to come up with three more....
8. I got to take a two hour nap today on the softest, whitest sheets ever. They feel like I am sleeping on the softest cotton.
9. I'm thankful the first question my mom asked me today when she called me was how I was doing. Because, even though I might sound fine on text, facebook or even just shooting the shit on the phone, I'm not fine. I'm exactly what that above article said, "Just getting through the day". But, I appreciate her asking because it shows she is thinking about me and that she cares.
10. Finally, I feel blessed that I have the most wonderful Marble's on the planet. They are my strength and they are what keeps me going. Had all this happened and I didn't have them, I would be making a lot different decisions that I am now. I hope one day they see just how much a mother can love her child and how ferocious that love can be when it gets tested.
1. I feel positive today because I was able to find Pink Marble an article of clothing in the size she needed at JCPenney where I have convinced myself it's the only store that sells these specific articles of clothing for women in sizes suitable for every woman's body. And Pink Marble was pleased.
2. I was asked to wash Yellow Marble's hair today while she was in the bath tub. This was something we used to do when she was younger. I'd be scrubbing her hair and ask her questions like she was at the hair salon. Today's question was, "So, did you hang out with any cool people today?" (ME! ME! Say your mom!!) She giggled and said, "Yea, Myselffffffff!" It made me laugh. We also made sure we wash all of her hair which includes, obviously, the hair on her head, her eyebrows, her back hair, her armpit hair and her chest hair. She tries to convince me every time that she doesn't have hair on her back, armpits or chest but I believe it's there and needed to be cleaned.
3. I am thankful that I was able to get the weed whipper started and was able to edge around the house and flower beds and around the palm trees. I even wore my gardening gloves. Then I charged the battery on the tractor and got it to start and cut the grass. Now, my outside looks like the Jones'.
....this is getting difficult.....
4. The Marble's have been happy all weekend because we have the Blue's dog visiting us while they are away on a mini vacation.
5. I am thankful for a new friend that I have and whom I will soon be working with that has a great, funny, positive attitude and I am looking forward for great things to happen in the months to come.
6. I feel better after reading an article on DETNEWS.com that a reporter wrote about the suicide of that football player. The reporter wrote about his own battles with depression and some of the things he talked about were things that I have felt. It made me feel like in dealing with this depression I'm not abnormal. A few things that I took away from the article was where he wrote, "With depression, there are no bright colors. A good day is a light gray or a muted blue. Most days are just gray. A bad day is pitch black."
Most of my days right now are gray. A few times a week I travel into the pitch black. I haven't seen the light gray or muted blue until today. He also discussed his philosophy, " As a working philosophy, "just get through the day," doesn't leave much room for joy or happiness or contentment or love or anything other than the relief of getting through. An unanswerable question for people like me is, "What do you do for fun?" I realized that my depression causes me not to really do anything fun. So, maybe I need to start back doing the things I enjoyed. Like running.....I'd love to start running again and maybe if I just "get through" that first one it will be the catalyst to get me through more.
7. I am happy tonight because I have my two Marble's home with me. One is in my bed snoring away and the other claimed her spot on the couch. I love having them with me. Pink Marble is spending the night at her friends house.
....I need to come up with three more....
8. I got to take a two hour nap today on the softest, whitest sheets ever. They feel like I am sleeping on the softest cotton.
9. I'm thankful the first question my mom asked me today when she called me was how I was doing. Because, even though I might sound fine on text, facebook or even just shooting the shit on the phone, I'm not fine. I'm exactly what that above article said, "Just getting through the day". But, I appreciate her asking because it shows she is thinking about me and that she cares.
10. Finally, I feel blessed that I have the most wonderful Marble's on the planet. They are my strength and they are what keeps me going. Had all this happened and I didn't have them, I would be making a lot different decisions that I am now. I hope one day they see just how much a mother can love her child and how ferocious that love can be when it gets tested.
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