You know how when you hear about someone who has dealt with a traumatic experience they have certain ways of coping with things that help them get through the experience? Well, I think I am reaching for whatever type of means of coping I can grasp on to in order to get through this divorce. I realize I am not the first person to get divorced. I know there are a lot of people out there that are going through similar situations, but for me this is my life, my divorce and man, it fucking sucks.
My mind is my worst enemy most days. It likes to tell stories. It likes to embellish things that might or have happened to bring about my anxiety and then I can be found buffing the stainless steel refrigerator for an hour to make sure there are so streaks, hazy spots or smears. My mind loves to fuck with me with "what if" sceneraio's or "if I just would have" thoughts that I find myself consumed with trying to think back at all the things I missed that caused me to end up in this position. My mind speculates about what the future will hold for me and flips back to the past and makes me wish I was still living in that time. It likes to distort reality and bring in all the great things about the past and weave it in with all the bad things about the present to create all kinds of uncertainty about the future.
I deal with things by being passive aggressive, sarcastic or sleeping. I have been worried about the court date and the open house and meeting Her and how my Marble's will adjust to His house and home. I have worried about what I am going to say when I see Her and all the things that I want to say to Him about how bad he's messed everything up for everyone.
I think both Him and Her are selfish. Possibly the most selfish people who are walking this planet at this moment right now. I don't understand it and I know it's not for me to understand but perhaps someone can explain to me how two adults can think it's best for one adult to leave his family and another adult thinks it's right to move her children in with said guy and expect things to work out and be harmonious? I think about how my Marble's are going to be ten years from now. And, how her children are going to be ten years from now. Because, really, these five kids are the ones who have undoubtedly suffered the most in this. Neither Him nor Her had the children's best interests in mind. They moved forward for their own selfish desires and left this mess in their wake.
August 20th will be my 13 year wedding anniversary. On that day, I will still be married. But, the marriage has been broken. Thanks to them there are six people suffering from their choices. My mind won't rest for a long time. I'm stuck in this hell trying to cope with seeing her with my husband and my Marble's. I have to take my Marble's to a therapist so they can articulate exactly how they feel about this situation. It's sad. I think my mind is fucked up, I can't imagine what runs through my Marble's minds in all this chaos.
I have to be the strong, stable one. I have to be positive and remain the mother that I know I can be. I have to push these thoughts out of my head and regroup and move forward. I can only be accountable for my actions and the way I handle the situations that come before me. God, I wish I could convince myself of this for real and not just on this blog.
